This is the time of year that I struggle typically, and this year is no different. Add on to that my physical health being a struggle, and I’m just worn. I have spent the last several weeks trying to manage things, and it just hasn’t worked. Self care is super important, but it doesn’t take the struggles away.
I have been trying to control homeschooling stuff better, and that has been difficult. I have thought that maybe I shouldn’t homeschool, and Robert completely disagrees with that and reminds me that I will get past this and I will be glad that I continued. They don’t need anymore change. So we just manage the best we can right now, and it’s going fine. They are actually growing a lot in some areas, so I’ll take it.
On Monday I called all of my doctor’s offices and found out that I have credits, so I have been picking up checks. I’m going to hold onto them until I need to spend them on medical costs. I also closed my bank account (which has caused a little bit of struggle… I should have waited a bit). I also called and closed my credit card account. I’m going completely to cash, which I think will be great in the long run, but it’s going to be an adjustment. I’m having to work out the kinks, which makes me wondered if I rushed into things. I guess I’ll make it work.
I’ve been struggling with social media. I deactivated Facebook about a week ago, and that has been great, but other things have been kind of rough. Like the other day I realized that a friend of mine wasn’t following me on Instagram. Something so dumb to be worked up about. But with my anxiety, it was HUGE in my head. I just always feel like I’m not wanted by others, and I always assume it’s because of my vulnerability and anxiety. There are other things that make vulnerability hard, so I was going to take a break from Instagram also. Then the other day I got a message from a stranger that changed things for me.
It reminded me that God has a plan for my vulnerability, and I just really can’t help that I want to share all the things. I really think it’s the calling that God has for me… even though it can be super hard sometimes (especially when I feel rejected for it).
I’m still struggling with my physical health. My cough is pretty rough still, and I am always exhausted.
I am currently at my best friend’s house (and it has been so amazing!), but I have slept in every day and taken a few hour nap every afternoon. It’s just how I function right now, and I hate it.
Despite it, though, I refuse to just sit everything out. I want to be present with my family, and I’m doing the best that I can. I missed some things while I napped today, but I have been around for everything else.
We have had so so so much fun here. It has been so great to be with my best friend, and the kids have had so much fun with her kids. They homeschool as well, so it’s fun to get two homeschool families together.
I have also had some amazing time with Jesus, which was so needed. I spent time in the Psalms, praised/worshipped, and prayer journaled. It reminded me how necessary that time with Jesus is to be filled up.
I don’t understand why God allows many things, but I just have to trust that He has a plan and will use it for His glory (and to help others).