Y’all. This week has been pretty rough. I have felt worse than normal. All of my plans have gone out the window, and I have been in survival mode. I don’t see that ending anytime soon.
It’s a bit frustrating, to be honest.
I have a cycle… in general… because of my mental health. Now throw in my normal seasonal depression + feeling terrible physically, and I’m on the low low part of that cycle.
When I’m feeling great, I do everything just the way I want. I feel a drive to live naturally, to eat nutritious foods, to cook/bake from scratch, to do meal planning and meal prep just the way I want (in a way that allows for “perfection” nutritionally, to do consistent movement, to homeschool in a way that I feel is best, to be super involved in community things, etc.
When I’m feeling badly, I go into survival mode. That’s where I am right now. I ended up buying more processed and easy to cook foods, I am not driven to live naturally, our homeschool days end up being less than I hope and imagine, we haven’t done poetry teatime in a while, I don’t have the energy to meal prep much, I’m not running/working out like I had planned, we have binge watched The Arrow on Netflix for days (we’re obsessed), and I DEFINITELY cannot handle some strict diet to possibly feel better (because I’m not convinced that it’s worth the work… I need to figure things out medically).
In the past I would be super frustrated for many reasons… the main ones being that I “did it again” with this stupid cycle and because I am not living up to my expectations right now.
I have learned a few things, though.
I know that I cannot help this. The cycle is what it is. There is nothing wrong with “going hard” after the things that I’m passionate about when I feel my best. There is also nothing wrong with doing minimum when I feel bad.
And honestly, I feel that I’ve just found balance when I’m in survival mode. When I look at my grocery list, I see some nutritious foods, and some not so nutritious foods. My house stays pretty clean still because it helps me mentally. I’m resting in the fact that I will be able to run one day, so I’ll just stick with doing what I can at the moment. I think I might start walking with a friend for now. I do “all the things” with homeschooling 2-3 days a week. This means that I do art appreciation a day or two, geography a day or two, etc. I always do Brave Writer novel studies (including read aloud, grammar, etc), math, history, and writing project (we did a bunch of research this week). Science has been a challenge, but we’ll get there. The kids are getting a day off today because we do year-round homeschooling and because I will be going to town (all alone!).
I’m going to my doctor on Monday, and I’m HOPING she will run a bunch of tests instead of sending me to specialists who don’t know what’s wrong and do enough blood work. We’ll see. She seems unsure of what to do. But I’m unsure of what specialist to see… a pulmonologist? Another allergist? An ENT? A rheumatologist? An endocrinologist?
I feel like more blood work would give us more direction.
I guess if she doesn’t know what to do, we can figure out what to do next.
I will keep pushing through. I am hopeful that I will find some answers.
In the meantime, I have just a few priorities… time with Jesus, homeschooling as much as I can, keeping a tidy home, doing a few things that bring me joy, and resting as much as I can.
I have also done a BUNCH of “cleaning things up” for my mental/emotional health. I deleted my old Facebook account and created a new one. I have gone from 1000 friends on FB to 74. The friends that I have on FB now are super supportive of me and are people that I have regular contact with. It has also been awesome because I don’t have many posts to scroll through.
I deleted a bunch of followers on Instagram, stopped following anyone that I don’t know and/or have had contact with, and made my account private.
I deleted a bunch of followers on my blog and made it hidden. I also deleted a bunch of old posts that aren’t beneficial and lots and lots of pictures. I might go back to a personal account. The only reason that I started paying more was because of needing more space for media.
I’m starting to realize that maybe childbirth education may not be in my future after all. I don’t have the drive or passion, and I don’t have much opportunity to make it happen where we live.
I have decided that I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and all of that extra makes my head spin.
Again, I go through this cycle every year. It’s nothing new. I have posts about it from last year at this time. Once I get through this fog, and once I find out what’s wrong with me and treat it, I will be back to doing what I feel is important. It just is what it is. I’m accepting that now. There’s nothing wrong with the ups and downs. It just makes me human. I’m okay with that.