Peeling Back the Layers (again and again)

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I’ve been realizing that I have a WHOLE lot of self imposed rules in my head about all the things. I definitely have OCD (and all forms of anxiety) and while I’m taking meds that definitely help a ton, I need to do some work. I didn’t realize what I’ve been carrying with me. I have been working on the wrong things, I think.  Well maybe some of the right things, but this is something new that I hadn’t considered in a long time, if at all.

My new goal is to unpack what it means to let go of the rules that I have placed on myself, figure out why, and decide where to go from here. What is it that I want? What do I think is important? What do I think is necessary? Why? Is it okay to change my mind?

Even the seemingly small things are huge.  It all adds up and creates this idea that I’m not enough and that I’m a failure if I can’t or don’t follow a rule for any reason.

Am I overthinking?  Maybe.  Is it important at the moment for my mental/emotional/physical health?  Absolutely.

I will have many posts about this as I am processing through all the things.  In the post, I will begin unpacking.  It’s kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion.

To start, I’m going to share something that I wrote on Facebook and add a few other things.  Many of these are seemingly small, but they are not small for my mental health.

  • I shared that I won’t be shopping at H-E-B anymore because their prices are a bit higher.  But, I like H-E-B. Sure their prices may be a tad higher, but their products are better. I also like that they have sales and lots of coupons. So maybe their regular prices are a bit higher, but with sales and coupons, it evens out. I’m going to continue getting some things at H-E-B and some at Walmart. It has worked for us all this time.  The rule that I have placed on myself that I HAVE to go with the cheapest is one that I have allowed to creep in.  I have felt that I was a failure or that I have messed up if I don’t follow this rule.  I kinda know where this idea came from, and maybe it’s time to set a boundary there. 
  • I have been obsessing about my spending habits, budgeting, and slashing my grocery budget. I didn’t realize how much anxiety it has been causing me. The thing is, Robert thinks I do a great job with grocery shopping. Yes, I am a major spender and we’re working on that, but gosh, we all have weaknesses. It doesn’t make me a total failure. This is huge because I have been beating myself up about this our whole marriage.
  • Satan tries to tell me that people don’t love me, but then God makes it clear who does. I’m blessed, truly.  I have created rules for myself that I must always try to please everyone and do what everyone thinks I should to make and keep friends.  The idea that I should be all things to all people.  It’s so exhausting.  But I have people who love me for who I am, and it’s time to let go of the rest.  I’m realizing that if someone doesn’t return the energy to connect, maybe it’s time to let them go. 
  • I have believed the lie that if I don’t stick with something as a homeschool teacher, I’m going to mess up my kids. I’ve had a lot of conversation a few days ago to remind me that I’m doing a great job and it’s okay to be trying to figure things out for my kids and myself.
  • I’m looking forward to what I have circled back to for a lot of our curriculum. And if things change, I have plenty to choose from because I’m not selling things much these days (because I do change my mind a lot).  
  • I have been super surprised to find that what I was hoping was best for my kids didn’t turn out to work for them. Hence the circling back.  I have learned that this is actually the BEST thing about homeschooling.  All the flexibility and ability to do what is best for each kid in each season.    
  • I’m a major black/white person.  I have to go 100% one way or the other, so the gray/in-between is super hard for me to handle.  One area that this has “been a thing” for years is the area of a natural/crunchy lifestyle.  I have considered myself “sorta crunchy” for a long time, but I want so badly to either be totally natural/crunchy or not at all.  I’m learning that that’s not how life works.  Sometimes life situations make the crunchy lifestyle not possible for the moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s forever.  Meds are necessary for me.  I have been trying to stop a few of them and it always backfires.  The boys cannot function in life without theirs.  Sometimes I just need to make a frozen pizza.  I prefer buying grass fed beef from my friend who owns a ranch.  I love to use natural products.  I recently bought some plain old Cascade dishwasher detergent because it works better with our hard water.  I prefer Ecos laundry detergent and luckily it’s pretty inexpensive.  My order for groceries included white eggs, conventional frozen chicken breast, etc, but also lots of veggies and fruit.  I’m trying to not buy many processed foods.  I don’t buy much in the way of organic most of the time because it is expensive.  Sometimes I buy natural and cage free meat/eggs, other times I don’t.  I feel like I have this conversation over and over and over again.  But maybe that’s important for me to remember that life isn’t black and white like that.  I look at others who seem to live this beautiful, perfect “crunchy” lifestyle and realize that they probably don’t have the life situations that we have and/or they don’t really have things together like it appears on social media.  Not everyone shares everything about their life like I do.

Anyway… this is a start and these are the “big things” that are always on my mind.  I will keep processing deeper, because there’s always a deeper reason.  At least in my case.

 

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