Last weekend I decided that I needed to treat sodas like I do alcohol because I sure drink them the same, and I decided to quit completely. I have been putting this off for many reasons: I didn’t want to … Continue reading
I’ve written about this sooooo many times, and I have made a final decision (after talking with Robert who is a very balanced person and he agrees with me this time). I am doing something “black and white” (I’ve been … Continue reading
Routine. It’s so necessary for my mental health. While I try really hard to implement it during the summer, it’s not built in so it’s hard. I tend to stay up too late. Sleep too late. Sit around drinking coffee … Continue reading
I wrote a piece for Juggling the Jenkins blog. If she chooses it, it will go on the blog and in her new book. We’ll see! I thought I’d share it here because it’s a short version of my story. … Continue reading
I almost always have so much on my mind that I want to write about. A lot of times it’s jumbled because it doesn’t all fit together well. So, I’m going to attempt to write out what’s on my mind … Continue reading
I am currently sitting on my parents’ huge porch, on a recliner, with a blanket, and enjoying the sounds around me. The sprinkle on the tin roof, the rooster crowing, the turkey talking, and I’m playing my worship music as … Continue reading
Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading
I have pulled out my computer and sat there staring at the screen (or getting distracted by Facebook) so many times in the past month or so. We have so much going on and I have so much that I could share, but the words just aren’t coming when I sit down to write. I’m not sure why. I do know that I have spent MUCH less time on my computer lately and that’s a good thing. I used to sit on my computer all day, every day. Now I don’t have time for that, nor do I want to. Part of the reason why I don’t write as much (or sit at my computer as much) is that I used to drink and drink and drink and all I could do while doing that is sit. Also I have been so busy. Mostly in a good way!
The moment that I decided to put Karis back into school, my anxiety went away and my depression lifted. We didn’t even take much time to pray through it once I thought of it because 1) I knew that Robert wanted our kids to be in school, 2) I realized that my mental health went back down hill when I pulled Karis out, 3) Karis went backwards in many ways being home and I knew it would be best to teach her how to persevere even when things are hard (and she needed to be around kids her age).
Since we’ve made that decision, lots of things have hit us… broken arm, asthma attack that landed Ethan in the ER, lots of doctor appointments, bloodwork, lots of medicine, Ethan got strep (and ended up missing 4 days of school), counseling appointment for Karis… And I have been in either Rocksprings or Kerrville pretty much every single day (with a day off here or there). I have also tried to go to AA twice a week but it hasn’t happened as much as I would like (I definitely go once at least).
But do you know what hasn’t changed through all of this craziness? My joy. I may be tired. I may be somewhat stressed. Karis has cried a lot (as we’ve been walking her through things). Levi has been in trouble a lot at school this year (and we’re working with his teacher and doctor to figure out how to handle this). But I haven’t regretted anything. I haven’t felt guilty. I haven’t tried to make something happen that wasn’t supposed to happen (which is how I ended up homeschooling off and on so much over the years). I haven’t made things to be my fault when they weren’t (like putting Karis in school or Levi getting in trouble). I’m just truly living each day. One day at a time. To its fullest. I’m more comfortable in my skin. I have spent a lot of one-on-one time with my kids. Karis and Ethan are doing choir. The house stays mostly clean (except this week because the kids are home, and that’s okay!). Robert and I work together. I focus a LOT on self care because that is what keeps me going. Life is just good. But I don’t take it for granted. With my history and my mental illnesses (and being an alcoholic), I truly have to take it one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. And I’m finally in a place in which I can do that.
So on this beautiful Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.
It has been literally years since I felt this kind of peace and joy for more than a few days, and especially through stress and difficulty.
My family and friends are amazing, I’m learning to love myself as God has made me to be (and I’m realizing what my true calling is), Jesus loves me and I love Him, we love Camp Eagle and are so blessed to be a part of this family, we have all of our needs met (even when we don’t know how things will work out, they always do), I’m thankful for AA and what it has done in my life (and continues to), I’m so thankful for the Healthy Habits Happy Moms community (and Balance 365 program) that has helped me see myself in a completely different light, and I’m thankful for all the little things that bring me joy each day… music, flowers, coffee, Christmas lights, candles, a hike, spending time with my friends and family, playing games, cleaning, coloring, drawing… the list could go on and on. I am who I am today because of who God is, my family and friends, and through the difficult of the past several years.
The past 2 weeks have been long and stressful and amazing. I was in town 10 times in those 2 weeks (either Kerrville or Rocksprings). Karis broke her arm and we went to urgent care on Monday the 9th, Karis started school on the 10th, choir was on the 11th, we went to the orthopedic doctor on the 12th, the 14th we went to Wild Seed Farms and Robert and I had a date day (amazing day!!!!!), the 15th we went to the Alumni meeting at La Hacienda and I got my 1 year chip (and we picked up the kids), the 16th I went to AA (and Robert took Ethan to the ER that night for asthma), the 17th I went to town to get Ethan’s steroid med filled, the 18th was choir, the 19th Karis met with her partner for science fair at the library, and Friday Ethan and I went to the doc for a follow up and we got groceries. The urgent care, ER, and doctors were not good (well, the docs and stuff were great but having to go wasn’t good), but the rest was! And I’m really starting to feel better. I’m having a few physical symptoms that I’m not sure about, but I’m still just taking it one day at a time. I might go back to the doctor eventually. It’s nothing extreme. And tomorrow I will see my psychiatrist. That’ll be good! I don’t think I really need to make any changes. I feel like things are going better and while I do have anxiety still, I don’t want to take more meds and I think it’s just something I have to live with. I’ve learned a lot of coping skills and put those into place when I’m struggling. Things are going well for the first time in a long time!
Tuesday we had “HAF (Home Away From) Homes.” This is time with our gap year students (well, 3 of them). We share with our neighbors who we love deeply. It’s such a sweet time!
Friday was so fun. I had an entire day with Ethan. The appointment with the doctor went super well. We got all of his asthma meds refilled and we’re going to focus on getting him completely stable in that area. He got a flu shot. Then we got donuts and got some blood work done to see what he’s allergic to. We got groceries (I spent very little and am so proud of myself!) and we got Halloween costumes. Then went to eat at a Chinese restaurant (Ethan’s choice).
This past weekend was so productive.
Saturday I cleaned the house nearly spotless. It has been a long time coming! I have just been having the kids clean it and obviously that means that things weren’t being cleaned super well. So I deep cleaned the bathrooms. I cleaned the floors. I cleaned and organized my bedroom (desperately needed to be done… I had piles everywhere). I got caught up on laundry. Washed some sheets (I need to finish that this week), and washed towels and bathroom mats. The kids cleaned their rooms (not spotless, but good enough for now). I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
After the kids cleaned, they enjoyed time with their friends and Levi enjoyed time reading fall and Halloween books that I pulled out :-). At the end of the day we watched a movie as a family (Spiderwick Chronicles… so good!).
Sunday I did a bunch of food prep! Mini whole wheat pumpkin banana muffins. Homemade whole wheat bread (though it didn’t rise real well). I made lunches for 4 days. I bagged snacks. Cut cantaloupe. Cut veggies for the veggie tray. Froze pumpkin in candy molds for smoothies.
The kids were out playing with friends this whole time. The boys went fishing in the river. Karis played with her friends. I love that they have each other!
Robert worked, then he had to go pick up the camp jeep because it broke down.
At the end of the day I did a quick pick up of the house, finished the dishes, set the coffee up for the next day, signed the kids folders, and did a little bit of spot sweeping. I went to bed exhausted and fell asleep pretty quickly! It was so great!
I really think having all three kids in school is the best for our family. I feel so much better mentally/emotionally. The kids are thriving. Karis is actually doing so much better this time. She feels somewhat stressed, but she’s handling it very well. I encourage her constantly and she has amazing teachers. She’s making A’s and B’s! A 100 in science and even an 86 in math! This is HUGE, especially since she came in late in the school year. Also, she’s doing well writing with her left hand since her write arm has a cast on it!
Yesterday I went to AA (always amazing!), then I had a nice lunch on the patio of Chili’s afterwards. Then Walmart, then home! We had dinner with friends last night. It was so amazing!
I always get my Sonic Coke Zero with lime before AA. And there’s a dollar there because they take up donations to pay for the fee for using the building, material, etc. That’s my AA Big Book. We read “How It Works” last week and this week. It’s my favorite chapter in the book. It tells you how to work the 12 steps.
The burger was a Smokehouse Cheeseburger. It had a special sauce, crumbled bacon, 2 amazing onion rings, and all the veggies. It was so amazing, and of course I love their fries.
Today I’m hosting ladies’ Bible study here. It’s always a sweet time of fellowship.
Life is good!! Praise God for this!!
I used to blog every day and now every time I sit at my computer to blog the words don’t come. I have so much on my mind, and I just don’t know how to get it out these days. … Continue reading