The past several weeks have been a little more difficult. I got into a pattern of forgetting my morning meds (a second dose of a morning and nighttime med). I thought that maybe I was doing better and decided to … Continue reading
We have been here at camp for 3 years (this past May). And in that time we have not consistently been to church. We went to a baptist church in Kerrville a few times, a Methodist church once, and a … Continue reading
I used to think that was dumb. I mean, I am ENOUGH where I am. Jesus loves me, my family loves me, and I don’t HAVE to change to prove that I am worthy. I know all of these things. … Continue reading
Friends. If you don’t know my story, I will share it briefly here… I have a long history of anxiety. I didn’t know that that’s what I was suffering with until I went to a psychologist right out of high … Continue reading
I’m thankful for Facebook memories. They remind me of how hard things were the past several years in the spring/summer. They remind me of how great I’m doing right now. They remind me that making the decision to put the kids in school (or keep them in school) was the best decision we could have ever made. It has been amazing for all of us.
Even so, life isn’t perfect and there will be hard days/weeks.
I have been so so fatigued again lately despite falling asleep pretty easily most days, and I feel like it has been getting worse. I just had lab work done to check my thyroid and it’s normal now. I probably really should focus on movement. I need to get out and hike more (again). I feel so good when I do, but it’s so hard to convince myself to just get outside. I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to make it happen at this point. But I will try. I have to remind myself that any movement is a good thing. So a 10 minute walk to start is okay! That could be enough to jump start something!
I’ve had a little more anxiety this week as well (though nothing like this time last year and the year before). I’m trying to remember that there is absolutely nothing that I have to do in my day (well, except for picking the kids up from the bus and leading the 12 step meeting in Rocksprings). I always want a spotless house, the laundry caught up, etc because it truly helps me mentally. But I can also let it go for the day if I can’t focus on it for whatever reason. It’s perfectly okay.
Dealing with kid issues is often what causes my anxiety. Ethan has always been my hard kid. In the past, he threw tantrums all day every day. From a baby till not that long ago. When he was homeschooled it was really bad. He struggles badly with relationships and being the “mean kid.” Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him. He is in counseling, he takes medication for ADHD now (started about a week and a half ago, and hopefully it’ll eventually help his impulsiveness), and his teacher and I are working with him. Unfortunately there are some who can’t see all the work he is doing and just focuses in on his flaws. But I can’t do anything about that. So we keep moving forward. I do need to pray for him more. That’s something big that will help. My friend also shared a scripture with me that I can pray over him and share with him each day.
Psalm 19:14 (from the International Children’s Bible)
“I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.”
I printed it and will be putting it on the boys’ wall. It would be a good thing for Levi to focus on as well :-).
This is my favorite part of my days lately. It is so so so fun. The women in the community are amazingly supportive and encouraging (who want to see each person succeed), making videos has become fun and less nerve-wracking, there are ALWAYS fun incentives and perks, I’ve made a little bit of money (and have the potential to make a lot over time), I love the makeup, I love the skin care, it’s so nice feeling pretty, I’m taking better care of myself, it gives me some purpose and something to look forward to, I enjoy sharing the makeup with friends and seeing their excitement for our products (and how they make them feel), and I could probably go on and on! I worked several hours today, and it was fun the whole time!
12 Step Meeting
The 12 step meeting is going really well even though we only have a few people going. We have a new guy that is getting what he needs from the group. There are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts in our little town and very few of them are in recovery. Everyone joins each other in their addiction and do it all together. I’m hoping that by being consistent and continuing to show up even if we only have a few people coming that we will be a soft place to land when enough is enough.
Unfortunately, everyone has grown up in their environment so they don’t know any different. Anyone trying to get out of active addiction have a hard time because it’s everywhere.
Yesterday I was 18 months sober!! It’s such an exciting thing!
Robert and the boys are camping and Karis was at a friend’s house until a little while ago. I did a lot of work because the next two weeks I have 4 Younique parties! They will be small, but it’ll be a good chance to learn. My first one will start Monday! I have lots of videos, photos and graphics, etc along with doing at least one live video each day. I hope to do games and activities.
I’ll let you know how they go!
I hope you have a fantastic weekend!
Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading
“Hyperventilation syndrome (HVS); also chronic hyperventilation syndrome (CHVS) and dysfunctional breathing hyperventilation syndrome is a respiratory disorder, psychologically or physiologically based, involving breathing too deeply or too rapidly (hyperventilation). HVS may present with chest pain and a tingling sensation in the fingertips and around the mouth (paresthesia) and may accompany a panic attack.
People with HVS may feel that they cannot get enough air. In reality, they have about the same oxygenation in the arterial blood (normal values are about 98% for hemoglobin saturation) and too little carbon dioxide(hypocapnia) in their blood and other tissues.”
I’ve had this twice before, lasting 3 months and 1 month. This time it has lasted about 1 month so far (though it has been more off and on this time).
I’m thankful for my hubby. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out WHY I’m anxious. I’ve been thinking that there has to be a reason, and it must be my fault. I must have done something to cause it. But he reminded me that I have generalized anxiety disorder and it’s a chemical imbalance. I will have anxiety just because. I don’t have to have a reason, and it’s definitely not my fault. I can do things to help, and I am being proactive. Tomorrow I’ll be getting blood work done, going to AA, and going to counseling. I’ll see my doctor in about a month. I’ll be taking some supplements as soon as I receive them from Amazon. Last night I meditated twice and that helped. I use these apps:
I’m also happy that I have continued to be present with my family despite this, and we have done lots of fun things! Poetry Teatime, I cooked a big dinner last night, we made Oobleck and homemade playdough yesterday, Levi and I played several games the other day, the kids have been crafting like crazy in our new craft/reading room, and last night we did independent reading as a family and Robert read aloud to the kids. All of this helps a ton because I’m not as focused on the anxiety (it’s still there while I’m doing all of this, but I’m not thinking about it as much).
I feel like this hyperventilation syndrome will last forever but Sue in my Parenting with Anxiety group reminded me a while back that it won’t. It just feels like it.
Like my counselor says, “feelings aren’t facts.” And what I say to myself matters!
Now on to supplements…
I have these supplements: Melatonin (I take these every night), B12, Cod liver oil, Garden of Life Vitamin Code, and Garden of Life Probiotics.
I ordered Vitamin D3.
I ordered Calm Magnesium but then found out that it isn’t absorbed well into the system and it tastes gross (it’s a powder that you mix with water), so I’ll be sending it back. My best friend ordered me some magnesium glycinate, which is the highest absorbed into the system, and it’s a tablet! I’m so thankful for her (I had found out about the Calm after it was too late to cancel and I am out of money for supplements… this is my birthday present from her!).
I did order Rescue Remedy candies (along with the Calm). These are alcohol free.
I will order a Super B complex when I run out of my B12 and Vitamin Code. I will probably also order some epsom salt because I’ve read and heard that it’s good for anxiety (it is magnesium!).
I listen to my Serenity Spa Music often during the day and especially at night, then switch to ocean sounds (white noise app) to sleep (I have done this for a long time).
Robert and I have decided that we will work on becoming caffeine free again. My counselor told me to do this a while back. We were almost there, then I started increasing my caffeine more and more and now I drink a lot of caffeine again.
Along those same lines, I’m going to switch from Coke Zero to only sparkling water (over time).
I also need to get back to being outside more. I can’t do major hikes because when I get out of breath it makes things harder for me, but walks are good.
I also pray a lot, but I struggle with this because I am kind of frustrated that God would allow me to suffer with anxiety so badly. I feel like my prayers are going unanswered.
Last night right before our reading time, it rained (for the first time in a long time), and I saw this beautiful rainbow out of my back windows/door.
It was a great reminder that God is with me. Even in the moments when I don’t understand why He allows things to happen, I can trust that He will use it for His glory.
The last 2 times this happened I took a LOT of Xanax. My previous doctor gave me 120 tablets at once and told me to take it every 4 hours! And he knew that I drank a lot because I told him and he did urine tests! Drinking and Xanax aren’t options anymore so I’m praying that the natural remedies and things will work!
I have a history of discontent. If something doesn’t seem to be working well or is hard, I change things. I see the difficulty as a sign that something isn’t right.
Because of this, we have moved so much and I kept chasing something new. We have moved 12 times in the 13 years that we have been married (a lot of that was at the same camp). We moved apartments early in our marriage. We moved twice when we lived in the Dallas area.
This worked its way into homeschooling. I have homeschooled off and on for a long time. When I started struggling mentally, I would put them back into school. This last time I really had no choice since I had to go to town all the time for AA when I got out of rehab. But it still counts.
I have spent a FORTUNE (and a lot of that in credit) on new curriculum. When things got hard for the kids or they seemed to struggle, I would buy the “shiny new thing” thinking that it would be better and they wouldn’t struggle as much. For Karis, this was math. For Ethan, this was reading and phonics.
We are using Math U See for the kids and while I LOVE it, Karis has still been struggling greatly. She’s going into 6th grade and she’s on the 4th grade level and still struggling. She can barely do basic division (2 digit by 1 digit with a remainder). So I was talking to Robert about Life of Fred math and telling him that maybe it would be a good fit for her because she loves reading (it’s story based). Without him even saying anything, I said, “Wait… I just need to stick with something, don’t I?” He agreed immediately and reminded me that hard doesn’t necessarily equal bad. And she may just never be good at math and that’s okay. And it’s okay that she’s on a level lower than her grade and it’s okay to take it slow. He also reminded me that it’ll be so good for the kids if I stick with something for a full year. And honestly, I need to stick with Math U See from now on because there is a DVD with a teacher teaching everything (and I’m terrible at math!). He teaches it in a way that makes more sense than any teacher ever taught me. There are also manipulatives and all of the kids make use of them every single day.
I REALLY want The Good and the Beautiful history, handwriting, nature journals, and another science unit. But. We have all that we need for those subjects right now. While I love the set up of those, I need to be content with what we have.
I already have Story of the World Volume one… the book, audio book, activity book, historical fiction novels to go with it (9!), the Usborne Encyclopedia of World History, and the Usborne Book of World History. I have an amazing set up for history this year. It would make NO sense to change.
Now. The reason why I love G&B is because the history covers all periods of history in one year (adding to it each year), it has fun activities, it has an amazing book of stories, worksheets, and a game for review. But I can always get it next year! No big deal! I’m not even sure if I’ll want to change after we finish what we have… I may want to stick with Story of the World!
Also, I was looking at buying handwriting from G&B. I ALMOST did. Then my doctor and I were talking about my impulsive spending and reminded me that if I am buying something new even though I already have something for that subject (and causing final trouble), that’s a sign of being impulsive. And she’s right! It stopped me in my tracks! I have Handwriting Without Tears, and the kids even like it!
Now. Next year I will probably buy G&B because I love that it teaches handwriting through copywork. It would cut out a step of our writing. But I can wait till next year! No big deal!
I was also looking at buying the G&B nature journals. But I already have some from Simply Charlotte Mason! They love them because they can watercolor right on the page (the pages are thick).
And… Science! I have SO much to teach science. I have one unit of G&B science already (which will last us about a semester), and I also have Apologia Astronomy. AND LOTS of science books and encyclopedias to make my own units if I want. I really have enough to make science work for a couple of years honestly. Now. When Karis is in 7th or 8th grade, I will be buying the junior high science books because she’s going to need them to prepare for high school (and honestly she LOVES science so she’ll be happy). But I have a year or two before I need to do that (I can’t believe she’s already in 6th grade).
All this to say… I think I will finally have a FULL year in which I don’t buy anything new! I have everything I need for at LEAST a full year (maybe more) and I am happy about that. It’s weird, to be honest.
And… we are not going anywhere. While camp ministry is HARD because especially lately Robert has been working a ton, we are content to stay right where we are. We love the way Camp Eagle is run, we love the people (camp family!), we love our home, we love that we live on 1400 acres and there are hiking trails and a clear river to play in. Moving to Camp Eagle has been the best thing that has happened to us!
Deciding to stick with something long-term actually takes away a lot of anxiety. I have a major spending issue, then I feel bad and feel anxious after I have spent. It’s so easy to buy online and I just throw money away that way. We were going to have me spend only cash but it hasn’t worked out well (lots of reasons), but at least this next check I will only have cash to spend (and less than usual because we’re going to New Mexico in a few weeks and we need money for that). I think we’ll actually be able to save up this year. And do more fun things with the kids.
I’m feeling content, hopeful, and peaceful. I know I will still have times of anxiety and depression (hopefully not, but I’m planning on it happening eventually), but I know I can work through them and just do what we need during those moments. That doesn’t mean we need to move, it doesn’t mean I need to stop homeschooling, and it doesn’t mean I need to buy something new and shiny. It just means we need to spend time in prayer and God’s word, I need to work through it, and I need to teach my kids to do both of those.