TWO years, one day at a time! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far! It feels like I was in the treatment center a few months ago. I had such an amazing experience there and learned and grew so … Continue reading
The past several weeks have been a little more difficult. I got into a pattern of forgetting my morning meds (a second dose of a morning and nighttime med). I thought that maybe I was doing better and decided to … Continue reading
This week was everything that I needed that I didn’t realize I needed. I made some closer connections to friends here at camp and that was the most important part for me. My heart is full. Another important part was … Continue reading
Consistency is hard for me. I am a planner and plan to do things often that I struggle with follow through on or just give up when things don’t go as planned. This has been a struggle for me my … Continue reading
I love that the kids are bigger and they can 1) be alone at camp while I hike and work retail, and 2) do so much more than they used to be able to. We can finally do “all the … Continue reading
This past week has been full of reflection. With the high profile suicides that are happening, my friend asked me if I was okay. She was concerned since I lost my brother to suicide and because of my own struggle … Continue reading
I almost always have so much on my mind that I want to write about. A lot of times it’s jumbled because it doesn’t all fit together well. So, I’m going to attempt to write out what’s on my mind … Continue reading
I’m thankful for Facebook memories. They remind me of how hard things were the past several years in the spring/summer. They remind me of how great I’m doing right now. They remind me that making the decision to put the kids in school (or keep them in school) was the best decision we could have ever made. It has been amazing for all of us.
Even so, life isn’t perfect and there will be hard days/weeks.
I have been so so fatigued again lately despite falling asleep pretty easily most days, and I feel like it has been getting worse. I just had lab work done to check my thyroid and it’s normal now. I probably really should focus on movement. I need to get out and hike more (again). I feel so good when I do, but it’s so hard to convince myself to just get outside. I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to make it happen at this point. But I will try. I have to remind myself that any movement is a good thing. So a 10 minute walk to start is okay! That could be enough to jump start something!
I’ve had a little more anxiety this week as well (though nothing like this time last year and the year before). I’m trying to remember that there is absolutely nothing that I have to do in my day (well, except for picking the kids up from the bus and leading the 12 step meeting in Rocksprings). I always want a spotless house, the laundry caught up, etc because it truly helps me mentally. But I can also let it go for the day if I can’t focus on it for whatever reason. It’s perfectly okay.
Dealing with kid issues is often what causes my anxiety. Ethan has always been my hard kid. In the past, he threw tantrums all day every day. From a baby till not that long ago. When he was homeschooled it was really bad. He struggles badly with relationships and being the “mean kid.” Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him. He is in counseling, he takes medication for ADHD now (started about a week and a half ago, and hopefully it’ll eventually help his impulsiveness), and his teacher and I are working with him. Unfortunately there are some who can’t see all the work he is doing and just focuses in on his flaws. But I can’t do anything about that. So we keep moving forward. I do need to pray for him more. That’s something big that will help. My friend also shared a scripture with me that I can pray over him and share with him each day.
Psalm 19:14 (from the International Children’s Bible)
“I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.”
I printed it and will be putting it on the boys’ wall. It would be a good thing for Levi to focus on as well :-).
This is my favorite part of my days lately. It is so so so fun. The women in the community are amazingly supportive and encouraging (who want to see each person succeed), making videos has become fun and less nerve-wracking, there are ALWAYS fun incentives and perks, I’ve made a little bit of money (and have the potential to make a lot over time), I love the makeup, I love the skin care, it’s so nice feeling pretty, I’m taking better care of myself, it gives me some purpose and something to look forward to, I enjoy sharing the makeup with friends and seeing their excitement for our products (and how they make them feel), and I could probably go on and on! I worked several hours today, and it was fun the whole time!
12 Step Meeting
The 12 step meeting is going really well even though we only have a few people going. We have a new guy that is getting what he needs from the group. There are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts in our little town and very few of them are in recovery. Everyone joins each other in their addiction and do it all together. I’m hoping that by being consistent and continuing to show up even if we only have a few people coming that we will be a soft place to land when enough is enough.
Unfortunately, everyone has grown up in their environment so they don’t know any different. Anyone trying to get out of active addiction have a hard time because it’s everywhere.
Yesterday I was 18 months sober!! It’s such an exciting thing!
Robert and the boys are camping and Karis was at a friend’s house until a little while ago. I did a lot of work because the next two weeks I have 4 Younique parties! They will be small, but it’ll be a good chance to learn. My first one will start Monday! I have lots of videos, photos and graphics, etc along with doing at least one live video each day. I hope to do games and activities.
I’ll let you know how they go!
I hope you have a fantastic weekend!
I have been trying to blog all week and it just hasn’t happened. This past week was Spring Break and man was it busy. Monday and Tuesday weren’t too bad, but Wednesday through tomorrow have been/will be busy. I have carved out a chunk of time this late morning to blog because that’s the only way to make it happen.
I woke up a bit late today and I’m so, so tired from the crazy week. Then I did some cleaning, took a shower, worked on this post some, more cleaning, makeup and hair, etc.
She was really spoiled this year and it was necessary. She has spent years thinking she wasn’t important because I have had to focus on myself because of my mental health issues or on her brothers because they are younger and needed more attention. I have been trying to spend more time with her and love on her more.
So like I said, this past week has been pretty crazy.
Monday was devoted to focusing on starting my Younique business with an “unboxing” live Facebook video. I also practiced putting on my new makeup. I had so much fun. Here is the look that I created Monday.
Tuesday was mostly just work and chores. It was a good day over all. The kids played with their friends most of the day so it was pretty quiet.
Wednesday was a pretty crazy day. Ethan stayed here with a friend all day. Karis, Levi, and I went to town. We left at 9:30 and got home at about 6:45. We got donuts and pigs in a blanket,Levi had a doc appointment (and he was officially diagnosed with ADHD), we went to Goodwill and Chickfila, counseling (for 2 hours), then Walmart (for a few groceries and Levi’s prescription). Whew. Town days are so long because not only do we have to get a lot of stuff done in one day, the drive there is an hour and 15 minutes, then the same home. It was a good day, though, with my kiddos. They behaved really well. One less makes a huge difference!
Thursday was Karis’ birthday which included opening presents, eating food of her choice, her baking all day, cleaning, Bible study at my house (always so great!), then AA. Another semi-busy day.
Karis made this on her birthday. It took her like 6 hours.
These were the meals of her choice.
Friday was another day in town. We left here at about 11:00 (not early). We met my mom to hand over the boys, then Karis and I spent the whole day “playing” and shopping. We walked around Fredericksburg for a couple of hours, ate at Chilis (where she was given a treat for her birthday), went to an arcade and spent about an hour there, walked around the mall (which is tiny… we went to Bath and Body Works, Claires, and a random store that reminds me of the 90s), then HEB to get her cake and other groceries. Karis spent all but $3 of her birthday money! Haha. She’s my daughter for sure. I’m also pretty much out of money after this week between the doc appointment, medicine, groceries, birthday stuff (cake, lunch, etc), gas, etc. I’m back to living frugally again!
Tomorrow Karis and I are driving to Kerrville to meet my parents for lunch and pick up the boys.
Anyway… all that to say: I cannot wait for routine again. I have done fine mentally/emotionally this week despite the craziness because I know it will end and routine will happen again Monday. We all thrive better with some routine which means this summer I’m going to have to make sure we have routine. Not just for our sanity, but also because I will want to work (Younique doesn’t feel like work, though!) a couple hours a day so I will need to figure out how to make it happen. Also Ethan doesn’t function well without routine either so we’ll make it happen. He struggles with his emotions and socially more when he doesn’t have routine. That’s why he does best at school!
I will still need to get up at the same time each day (though not at 5:30 like we do now!). Do the same chores each day (the kids and me). Work certain hours each day if possible. And the kids will have to be outside certain hours and can only be on electronics certain hours. They will also have to read every day (and I will have to set aside that time or it won’t happen). So I will work on this over the next couple of months (summer is coming so soon!). I’m not always great at implementing these things or being consistent so I will just do my best.
Anyway… her friends just left her party and I would say that it was a success! It was fairly loud and crazy but they had fun. I also got to visit with some friends so that was nice.
Alright… going to make Karis some chicken alfredo, pasta, and broccoli!
How has your week and weekend been?
I have pulled out my computer and sat there staring at the screen (or getting distracted by Facebook) so many times in the past month or so. We have so much going on and I have so much that I could share, but the words just aren’t coming when I sit down to write. I’m not sure why. I do know that I have spent MUCH less time on my computer lately and that’s a good thing. I used to sit on my computer all day, every day. Now I don’t have time for that, nor do I want to. Part of the reason why I don’t write as much (or sit at my computer as much) is that I used to drink and drink and drink and all I could do while doing that is sit. Also I have been so busy. Mostly in a good way!
The moment that I decided to put Karis back into school, my anxiety went away and my depression lifted. We didn’t even take much time to pray through it once I thought of it because 1) I knew that Robert wanted our kids to be in school, 2) I realized that my mental health went back down hill when I pulled Karis out, 3) Karis went backwards in many ways being home and I knew it would be best to teach her how to persevere even when things are hard (and she needed to be around kids her age).
Since we’ve made that decision, lots of things have hit us… broken arm, asthma attack that landed Ethan in the ER, lots of doctor appointments, bloodwork, lots of medicine, Ethan got strep (and ended up missing 4 days of school), counseling appointment for Karis… And I have been in either Rocksprings or Kerrville pretty much every single day (with a day off here or there). I have also tried to go to AA twice a week but it hasn’t happened as much as I would like (I definitely go once at least).
But do you know what hasn’t changed through all of this craziness? My joy. I may be tired. I may be somewhat stressed. Karis has cried a lot (as we’ve been walking her through things). Levi has been in trouble a lot at school this year (and we’re working with his teacher and doctor to figure out how to handle this). But I haven’t regretted anything. I haven’t felt guilty. I haven’t tried to make something happen that wasn’t supposed to happen (which is how I ended up homeschooling off and on so much over the years). I haven’t made things to be my fault when they weren’t (like putting Karis in school or Levi getting in trouble). I’m just truly living each day. One day at a time. To its fullest. I’m more comfortable in my skin. I have spent a lot of one-on-one time with my kids. Karis and Ethan are doing choir. The house stays mostly clean (except this week because the kids are home, and that’s okay!). Robert and I work together. I focus a LOT on self care because that is what keeps me going. Life is just good. But I don’t take it for granted. With my history and my mental illnesses (and being an alcoholic), I truly have to take it one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. And I’m finally in a place in which I can do that.
So on this beautiful Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.
It has been literally years since I felt this kind of peace and joy for more than a few days, and especially through stress and difficulty.
My family and friends are amazing, I’m learning to love myself as God has made me to be (and I’m realizing what my true calling is), Jesus loves me and I love Him, we love Camp Eagle and are so blessed to be a part of this family, we have all of our needs met (even when we don’t know how things will work out, they always do), I’m thankful for AA and what it has done in my life (and continues to), I’m so thankful for the Healthy Habits Happy Moms community (and Balance 365 program) that has helped me see myself in a completely different light, and I’m thankful for all the little things that bring me joy each day… music, flowers, coffee, Christmas lights, candles, a hike, spending time with my friends and family, playing games, cleaning, coloring, drawing… the list could go on and on. I am who I am today because of who God is, my family and friends, and through the difficult of the past several years.