Recovering Beautifully

I wrote a piece for Juggling the Jenkins blog.  If she chooses it, it will go on the blog and in her new book.  We’ll see!  I thought I’d share it here because it’s a short version of my story. … Continue reading

Establishing Our Values and Goals as a Family

I feel like I have so, so much to share and I don’t even know where to start! Robert and I went to Big Bend State Park last weekend and it was so amazing and just what we needed for … Continue reading

Transformed By the Renewing of My Mind

These past few months have been transformational.  I have grown in so many ways.  The biggest thing that I’ve learned is that what I believe about myself will be true.  If I believe that I can’t handle anything, that I am … Continue reading

Update On All the Things

I’m thankful for Facebook memories.  They remind me of how hard things were the past several years in the spring/summer.  They remind me of how great I’m doing right now.  They remind me that making the decision to put the kids in school (or keep them in school) was the best decision we could have ever made.  It has been amazing for all of us.

Even so, life isn’t perfect and there will be hard days/weeks.

Sleep

I have been so so fatigued again lately despite falling asleep pretty easily most days, and I feel like it has been getting worse.  I just had lab work done to check my thyroid and it’s normal now. I probably really should focus on movement.  I need to get out and hike more (again).  I feel so good when I do, but it’s so hard to convince myself to just get outside.  I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to make it happen at this point.  But I will try.  I have to remind myself that any movement is a good thing.  So a 10 minute walk to start is okay!  That could be enough to jump start something!

Anxiety

I’ve had a little more anxiety this week as well (though nothing like this time last year and the year before).  I’m trying to remember that there is absolutely nothing that I have to do in my day (well, except for picking the kids up from the bus and leading the 12 step meeting in Rocksprings).  I always want a spotless house, the laundry caught up, etc because it truly helps me mentally.  But I can also let it go for the day if I can’t focus on it for whatever reason.  It’s perfectly okay.

Dealing with kid issues is often what causes my anxiety.  Ethan has always been my hard kid.  In the past, he threw tantrums all day every day.  From a baby till not that long ago.  When he was homeschooled it was really bad.  He struggles badly with relationships and being the “mean kid.”  Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him.  He is in counseling, he takes medication for ADHD now (started about a week and a half ago, and hopefully it’ll eventually help his impulsiveness), and his teacher and I are working with him.  Unfortunately there are some who can’t see all the work he is doing and just focuses in on his flaws.  But I can’t do anything about that.  So we keep moving forward.  I do need to pray for him more.  That’s something big that will help.  My friend also shared a scripture with me that I can pray over him and share with him each day.

Psalm 19:14 (from the International Children’s Bible)

“I hope my words and thoughts please you.  Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.”

I printed it and will be putting it on the boys’ wall.  It would be a good thing for Levi to focus on as well :-).

Younique

This is my favorite part of my days lately.  It is so so so fun.  The women in the community are amazingly supportive and encouraging (who want to see each person succeed), making videos has become fun and less nerve-wracking, there are ALWAYS fun incentives and perks, I’ve made a little bit of money (and have the potential to make a lot over time), I love the makeup, I love the skin care, it’s so nice feeling pretty, I’m taking better care of myself, it gives me some purpose and something to look forward to, I enjoy sharing the makeup with friends and seeing their excitement for our products (and how they make them feel), and I could probably go on and on! I worked several hours today, and it was fun the whole time!

12 Step Meeting

The 12 step meeting is going really well even though we only have a few people going.  We have a new guy that is getting what he needs from the group.  There are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts in our little town and very few of them are in recovery.  Everyone joins each other in their addiction and do it all together.  I’m hoping that by being consistent and continuing to show up even if we only have a few people coming that we will be a soft place to land when enough is enough.

Unfortunately, everyone has grown up in their environment so they don’t know any different.  Anyone trying to get out of active addiction have a hard time because it’s everywhere.

Yesterday I was 18 months sober!!  It’s such an exciting thing!

Robert and the boys are camping and Karis was at a friend’s house until a little while ago.  I did a lot of work because the next two weeks I have 4 Younique parties!  They will be small, but it’ll be a good chance to learn.  My first one will start Monday!  I have lots of videos, photos and graphics, etc along with doing at least one live video each day.  I hope to do games and activities.

I’ll let you know how they go!

I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Thankful Thursday… God Has Given Me Rest

Good morning friends!  Today is starting out with a gorgeous sunrise.  I got to listen to the birds sing for a while as well.  I love being outside.  There’s just something about God’s creation that brings peace and solace.

God is good.  In the midst of the struggle, and in the midst of the rest and peace after the struggle.  Y’all, I have struggle consistently for years.  Like since Karis was born (and even before that, really).  Severe anxiety, panic, depression, losing my brother the way I did, relationship issues, etc.  I have had some good times, but they usually only lasted a few weeks at a time, and I’ve realized that many of those were times of hypomania.  I thought I was just feeling amazing (I know now that it was the feeling of euphoria that I get when I’m hypomanic).  And these times were always followed by depression.

I started a new med at the end of January (it’s actually a very old med and for some reason it’s not used very often… it’s also really cheap).  I’m on a very low dose (in addition to a lot of other meds).  I have been doing great ever since.  I mean, I have low days, but they don’t stay that way.  Usually it’s because I’m overly tired or dealing with circumstances that are difficult (usually involving one or more of my kids).  I have consistently had low anxiety, no lasting depression, have had motivation (but not overly motivated like when I’m hypomanic), and I’ve enjoyed myself more than I have in so long.  I have great relationships with people (I’m not assuming the worst as often).  I spend more time with friends and family.  My family has noticed a HUGE difference in me. They often recall what life was like when I was drinking all the time and when I was depressed all the time.  I slept a lot.  I was really short with them, yelling a lot.

Anyway… yesterday during Bible study we were studying Judges 3:7-11.  In verse 11, it said that the Israelites had rest for 40 years!  I was telling my friends how big that was for me and they said that they could see how that would stand out to me.  This is so big.

Othniel

7And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They forgot the Lordtheir God and served the Baals and the Asheroth. 8Therefore the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Cushan-rishathaim king of Mesopotamia. And the people of Israel served Cushan-rishathaim eight years. 9But when the people of Israel cried out to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer for the people of Israel, who saved them, Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother. 10The Spirit of the Lordwas upon him, and he judged Israel. He went out to war, and the Lord gave Cushan-rishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand. And his hand prevailed over Cushan-rishathaim. 11So the land had rest forty years. Then Othniel the son of Kenaz died.”
So today, my biggest thanks is to God for giving me rest.  I don’t know how long it will last or if it will continue to be consistent, but I will enjoy it today and praise God each day.
I’m also so thankful for the relationships with the amazing people in my life.  I’m especially thankful for my amazing husband and children.  I wouldn’t be where I am without them in my life.  Robert has stood by me and supported me through severe mental illness, dealing with the suicide of my brother, and through my alcoholism.  We still have a lot of growth ahead, but I’m thankful for the growth that has taken place so far.  And my kids have been amazing as we have processed all that has taken place in our family as well.  They have grown so, so much this year.  We’re still working through some things, but overall I’m so happy with the official decisions that we have made for them (especially for putting and keeping them in school).
I’m thankful for the friends that I have in my life.  I have lots of old friends and a few new friends.  I’m blessed with rich relationships.
Other than these things, I’m just thankful for the little things.  My plants, candles, Willow trees, the sunrise over the hills, my Happy Planner, coffee, Coke Zero :-), God’s word (not a little thing), Bible studies that point me to Him, my amazing office, decorating my house so that it feels warm and cozy, all of our needs provided (okay, also not little), my new business venture, my blog as my outlet, hobbies, and so much more.
I am truly one blessed child of God.

Happy Fri-Yay!

This week has felt so long.  The main reason is that I haven’t slept well this week, and I’m still feeling the affects of my really hard Wednesday.  Yesterday I slept alllll morning.  I did get up and get busy though, so that’s nice.

I work really, really hard to stay out of bed.  It’s so easy to just sleep since I’m home alone all the time and I’m usually really tired, but I know that leads to depression so I fight it.  If I do take a nap, I try really hard to just sleep an hour or so.  But yesterday I needed lots of rest.  I think there’s a such thing as an anxiety and/or panic attack “hang over.”  Just feel so worn.

I am determined to make today good!  I got up at about 6:30 and got my coffee.  I tried to do my Bible study but I was just too tired still to comprehend what I was reading.  I’ll try again this afternoon.

I got up and cleaned up the house.  Dishes, the boys’ room, the kids’ bathroom, picked up things around the house, made my bed, etc.  I have one load of laundry going (I try to do one a day and it makes things so much more manageable… and our whites don’t stay super white because I don’t sort).

I plan to do some AA work (re-typing our script), Younique work, Bible study, etc, etc.

So besides cleaning and working, what is making today Fri-Yay?  Why am I happy?  I am growing every day.  Wednesday was real hard but it taught me so much about myself.  It reminded me that I don’t want to just be a blob on the couch.  I want to have purpose and meaning in my life.  I want to glorify God in what I do and say.  I want to help others be sober and women to love who they are and feel good about themselves.  I want to challenge myself.  I want to get out of my comfort zone.  I feel like these things happen through my blog, through leading AA, and through being a presenter through Younique.  I have the ability to do so much with my life.  So, I can’t work full time.  That’s fine.  I don’t need to.  God has provided for our needs.  Sure things are tight, but our needs are always met.  I have kind of come to terms with the fact that working probably isn’t in my future, but I am learning to be happy with staying home and taking care of our home.

Yesterday Levi got me a blanket and pillow to lay down because he said they don’t thank me enough for making the food and doing all the things.  It was in that moment that I realized what I’m doing is enough.  It’s good.  It’s God glorifying.  Our kids feel safe and peaceful in our home.  Robert doesn’t have to do much when he comes home from work (he works really hard all the time to provide for our family).  They always have clean clothes (they do have to fold them and put them away, but that’s beside the point haha).  They have all of their needs met.  It’s those things that matter.

I know I’ve said this, but I’m so excited about my new business.  I have always said I will never do direct sales/network marketing.  So why now?  I have watched women come out of their shell, become confident, get out of their comfort zone, grown in an amazing team of women, make good money, have their makeup paid for, become confident in who they are, have purpose, grow, learn good business practices, and just have fun in this business.  Younique is about empowering women and I’m just all for that.  It’s about true self care.  Loving ourselves.  I could go on and on.  I haven’t even received my presenter kit and other makeup and tools that I’ve ordered (they had some issues with shipping), but I have seen so much good already just being in my team Facebook group and adding new friends from the group.

God is good.  I have had a lot of hard years, and I know hard days, weeks, and possibly months are ahead.  But I am thankful that today is a good day.

Self Care Sunday

relaxitssunday

Usually on self care days, I still do some chores.  The reason is that having a clean house is self care for me.  I like to keep up with everything so I don’t get behind and start to have anxiety and depression.  I mean, anxiety and depression still happen (hello mental illness), but if I can prevent it, I will try :-).

So basically that means keeping up with the daily chores: one load of laundry (from start to finish), sweep/vacuum, make my bed, pick up things that are laying around (and the kids will clean up their things), and keep up with dishes.

I need to do a bit of food prep.  This means cutting veggies for my veggie tray, and I will make an instant pot breakfast casserole.  It won’t take very long.  I also need to make dinner.  Pasta and sauce in the instant pot and steamed veggies.

The self care things that I’m doing are: sleep in (till 9!), morning meds (buspirone, lithium, propranolol, lipitor, lexapro, and birth control that I take for my moods) and supplements (B-complex and Vitamin D3), blog (self care and meal plan), plan my week (in my Happy Planner!), and maybe nap :-).  I am trying to drink more water so I have that with me through the day.

I also hope to play some games with the kids.  I might go for a short walk.

Typically we go to church on Sundays, but when Robert works (every third Sunday), the kids and I stay home to rest and play.  I have worship music playing all day.

What are your plans for self care today?

Grati-Tuesday, February 20th

As I sit here and listen to Bethel radio on Pandora, drink coffee, and reflect (while hanging out with my hubby), I’m so incredibly grateful for the life that we have.  It has been a really hard journey for me, … Continue reading

Happy Weekend!

Hey guys!  I hope your weekend has started out well! I absolutely LOVE that I am no longer sleeping my weekend away!  I woke up a little later than a week day but it was still early enough to enjoy … Continue reading

Hello Friday!

I’m so thankful that the weekend is coming.  And I’m also happy that today is a “chill day.”  I have a short list and my goal is to focus on self care! I have been off of Facebook for a … Continue reading