I used to blog every day and now every time I sit at my computer to blog the words don’t come. I have so much on my mind, and I just don’t know how to get it out these days. … Continue reading
It has been a long time since I’ve written a Grati-Tuesday post so I thought I would do that today.
I have been struggling for so long that I have forgotten to be grateful. In fact, at one time I wrote “Gratefuls” to my sponsor every day and I haven’t been doing it much at all lately. I need to get back into the habit of gratitude.
My wonderful hubby.
My beautiful kiddos.
Our view and rainbow (second one recently).
Girl time with Karis eating homemade pizza and watching Gilmore Girls. This will happen more often now that it’ll just be the two of us during the day. She’s excited!
Having summer staff (and one full time staff) over for a big breakfast a few days ago :-).
Date night in of steak dinner with Robert thanks to my mom buying the steaks.
We played games and watched a movie :-).
My Happy Planner and seasonal stickers, my household notebook, pumpkin spice candle in a fun mason jar, and coffee with pumpkin spice creamer in it (NO, it’s not too early… see header picture! haha).
The kids played store for HOURS this morning. I love that they spent so much time without electronics by choice!
Then they played with friends. I love that they have great friends that are like family here. I also love that Robert and I have great friends that are like family here. We are so blessed to be here. This is the only picture I took.
Tonight Karis has her two good friends coming over and the boys are going to our neighbors’ house. We will be making dessert and watching a movie.
My anxiety breathing issue has been so much better since Sunday. I don’t want to get my hopes up, though, because it could come back.
On a similar note, I don’t feel 100% because I still have a cough. I called Teladoc and the doc told me that I have a viral cough and they just last a long time. There’s not much that can be done for it… She gave me 3 days’ worth of cough medicine (they can only treat for a few days and if it lasts longer they tell you to see your doctor), and she told me to drink honey and lemon in warm water and use a humidifier (which I don’t have, but I might get one Friday if I decide not to go to my doctor).
Robert and I spent all afternoon/evening Sunday cleaning the kids’ rooms, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and prepping food for the week. We took the boys separate beds and put them back into a bunk bed (their request) and deep cleaned their room. It took hours. It was so bad. The goal is to make them clean after they play now.
I made Italian coffee cake, peanut butter pies, peanut butter chocolate protein steel cut oats (recipe to come!), cut veggies for snacks and meals, boiled eggs, made chicken salad, and cut summer sausage and cheese. Robert helped with a few things.
Fall is coming soon which means ROUTINE! In 2 weeks (from tomorrow!) the boys will be going back to school and Karis will start homeschool. Friday we are buying school supplies. The boys are super excited! Levi will be taking his lunch and Ethan wants to eat lunch there most days (they get free lunch… everyone at that school does).
I meant to do some school planning today but it just didn’t happen. I have time, and I don’t have much to do :-). I pretty much just need to update the schedule/checklist that I made for Karis.
Karis will be staying home alone (with neighbor’s on call for emergencies) on some Mondays or Wednesdays that I go to town for AA and/or counseling. I plan to go once a week either of those days. Robert will be off 2 out of 3 Mondays pretty soon so it’ll most likely happen on a Monday. We’ll see how it goes. I’m going to give her a chance :-). The beauty of living here at camp is that there are people everywhere to help out! And this is a safe place.
Things are looking up :-).
One of my best friends spent some time Monday sharing a bunch of links with me about hyperventilation syndrome (also called disordered breathing or over-breathing). I didn’t read all of the links, but I found a few really helpful ones that made me feel like I’m not just making this up.
From Breathing Works:
“Disordered breathing occurs when upper chest breathing, usually at a faster rate and through the mouth, becomes the dominant pattern of breathing. Disordered breathing can also include big sighs, yawning, breath holding, feelings of breathlessness, or feeling unable to take a good breath in or out. Over time, disordered breathing can cause a large variety of symptoms including dizziness, anxiety, pins and needles, chest pain or tension, blurred vision, feeling easily overwhelmed, and constantly on edge.”
“How do I know if I am over-breathing? You may not be aware that your breathing is wrong or you may be aware of some, or even all, of the following most commonly experienced symptoms:
(I have most of these, though some of them aren’t constant.)
- Frequent sighing and yawning
- Feeling breathless, even after relatively minor exercise
- Difficulty co-ordinating breathing and talking and/or eating
- Breathless when anxious or upset
- Pins and needles in hands/arms/around mouth
- Feeling permanently exhausted and unable to concentrate for no apparent reason
- Throat symptoms (I clear my throat constantly)
- Muscular aches and tension around the neck/shoulders/jaw
- Bloated feeling in the stomach
- Light headedness
What causes these symptoms?
When we over-breathe we eliminate large quantities of carbon dioxide on every out breath.
This causes a chemical imbalance affecting many of the body’s systems. The results can be extremely unpleasant and frightening, causing us to become anxious. This can further upset our breathing pattern and a vicious circle develops.
You may be well aware of a particular event or experience that triggers your over-breathing, although this is not always the case. Possible triggers include bereavement, anxieties at work or home, altered breathing due to chest disease, (e.g. asthma) or following surgery.
(My trigger was anxiety)
How can I help myself?
Become aware of the way you breathe…
and how it may vary in certain situations. By learning to control the rate and depth of your breathing, i.e. retraining:
Learn to nose breathe.
Try to stop yawning and sighing.
Focus your breathing gently into your abdomen, avoiding excessive upper chest movement.
Become aware of your posture and learn to recognise areas of tension in your body.
This can be a good way of increasing your general feeling of well-being and self-confidence. If exercising is particularly difficult, discuss this with your physiotherapist.
(Exercise makes it worse right now but I think I’m going to try yoga.)
Variations in your blood sugar levels can contribute to your symptoms, so:
Avoid large meals, particularly late at night.
Take healthy snacks between meals”
(I’m working on this. I’m not always consistent with my eating.)
I read somewhere else (can’t remember where) that reflux is a symptom, and I’ve been struggling with that as well. Papaya enzymes are my friend! I tried them Monday night, and they worked almost right away.
More Natural Ways that I’m Working on my Anxiety
Meditation and Breathing Training
I have two great apps that have worked really well for me. I wrote about the meditation one before (Meditation Studio), but my friend shared a different one with me yesterday and it made a HUGE difference just using it a couple of times!
The app is called Breathing Zone. It’s really simple. It just has you breathe in and out in different amounts and times. It completely reset my breathing. Then I struggled again, then I started focusing on breathing through my nose only. I have also been meditating when I first go to bed.
I took a picture today of myself before I started my breathing re-training while resting this afternoon. I look kind of a mess (no makeup, hair everywhere, and zits), but I’m just thankful that I have these resources! They have helped so much!
I received these essential oils from a friend yesterday, and I was floored. She bought me 11 oils and some Stress Away bath bombs. I totally don’t feel deserving of this. Young Living EO’s are NOT cheap. I’m praying that they help me!!!
I no longer have a diffuser, so I ordered a pretty inexpensive one off Amazon. Hopefully it works okay. Diffusers from Young Living are at least $60 and this one was only $20! It looks promising. I will probably buy another one in a few weeks to have one in the living room and one on my desk in my bedroom. We’ll see.
I used to be anti-oils but I have decided that I am willing to try anything and my friend is helping me out SO much with this so I will try all of my options!
I take a lot of meds (Buspirone, Lexapro, small dose of Lithium, Lamtictal, small dose of Risperdol, Propranolol, and Gabapentin), but I’m actually hoping to reduce soon because my doctor and I feel that I’m on too much (which I think has been causing me more anxiety). I will always have to take meds, but less would be better.
I recently shared about all of the supplements that I take (Rescue Remedy as needed, Magnesium, Vitamin D3, Cod Liver Oil, Probiotics), but I have recently added 5HTP with Melatonin at bedtime and Vitamin B Complex.
I also ordered Epsom salt to use with essential oils in baths consistently. I bought a “Sport” one because it was $5 cheaper ($10 instead of $15 for 5lbs)! If I find that I’m going through a lot, I will buy a 19lb bag because it’s so much cheaper. We’ll see.
When I was really struggling a few days ago my counselor suggested I try acupuncture. I have never been open to that before in the past, but I was desperate and I made an appointment at a place called Kerrville Community Acupuncture.
I ended up canceling the appointment when I noticed that they breathing re-training was WORKING. It is always a fall back, though, if my anxiety gets bad again or if it just doesn’t settle down long-term. The acupuncture does a lot of good things so it would never be bad to do. I just don’t want to spend the money now (although she is pretty inexpensive with a sliding scale!).
Bible Study, Journaling, Prayer, Worship
This is the most important one. I have been struggling so much spiritually and I talked with one of my best friends a few weeks ago about not totally trusting God because He allows such bad things to happen. In the midst of my suffering with the breathing issue (it’s TERRIBLE you guys) and having to put the boys back into school (again), plus thinking about the gruesome suicide of my brother and mine and my brother’s mental illness in general, I was just low. She was amazing and shared lots of scripture with me, but I just couldn’t hear it.
The past few days I have been reading from an app called the First 5, and the study is on suffering. It’s so perfect and exactly what I need to be reading right now. It has you read a chapter out of scripture (starting with Job, and I read out of my study Bible with commentary), then there is a devotional to follow and an open-ended question that it asks at the end where you can type your answer right into it. I am also using my Quieting Your Heart journal that I’ve shared before in the past.
Then I spent some time listening to worship music (which I haven’t been doing as much lately) and it was so perfect for my heart. I could “hear” God speaking to me again for the first time in a long time. I could feel His love. I felt hope. It’s been a while since I have felt hope.
The Holy Spirit spoke to me today, and He comforted me and was my counselor. I have needed that for a long time. Years. I am convinced that I need to trust Him to be that for me more often.
Speaking of… I decided to pull out a book that has been on my bookshelf for like 8 years. I read a couple of chapters when I got it but never finished it. I totally forgot what I read those 8 years ago. It’s called Forgotten God and it’s by Francis Chan. I started reading it again today and it spoke so clearly to me. I’m looking forward to actually reading it all the way through this time :-).
I’m keeping most things off of my plate right now.
My new focus is my relationship with Jesus, my family and friends, keeping my anxiety low, going to AA (and staying sober), homeschooling Karis, and “healthy” habits that I have been doing for a long time (including gratitude, meal planning, meal prep, self care, keeping the house mostly clean, and one that I have been working on for about 5 months but still have a long way to go… self love). That is all I can handle at the moment. And honestly it’s a lot! What keeps triggering my anxiety is trying to do too much (all of that PLUS a movement habit, still feeling the need to focus on weight loss, planning other Balance 365 habits, planning a backpacking trip that I’m not ready for, homeschooling all of the kids which is the biggest thing, etc), so I will NOT make that mistake again, for a while at least ;-). Now if I can keep my perfectionist brain away!
This has been an extremely busy weekend so far!!
The kids did most of the cleaning on Friday. I just did some touch up. I am so thankful that they can do that because I had so much cooking and food prep to do.
We had HAF (“home away from”) Homes Friday night with some summer staff. We had homemade carnitas, pinto beans, Spanish rice, homemade guacamole, banana pudding, and coconut oatmeal cookies. And sweet tea and hibiscus mint tea. So I was in the kitchen allllll afternoon and evening. It was so fun though!
The kids helped in the kitchen (well, Karis and Ethan).
The carnitas look pretty in the Instant Pot (one of these days I’ll get around to sharing the recipe!). We also had my favorite corn and wheat tortillas and Spanish rice made from a package (everything else was homemade… just not the rice). Robert makes the best homemade guacamole.
The summer staff and my kids played Mario Cart for a long time after dinner!
One thing that made me happy was when one of the summer staff told me that my home is very warm and peaceful. I have been told that before and that is always my goal! I want people to feel comfortable here.
That night I had a LOT of anxiety. I’m not even sure why, I just know that I had a hard time breathing. I have been much better since, though!
Yesterday I made some peanut butter pies, then got things ready to have people over again. We had a meet and greet last night for a prospective maintenance tech and his wife. It went so well! We all loved them!
Then I did a ton of prep work for the week!
I cut veggies for the week and took the grapes off the vine.
I made whole wheat pumpkin banana muffins (for the week) and pumpkin banana bread (for the meet and greet, and no one touched it…).
I had a piece of the bread and it was soooooo amazing. I know it’s a little early for pumpkin, but I get ready for fall super early since it’s my favorite season!
My neighbor gave me a sweet gift and card yesterday.
The candle is fall scented. It smells amazing! And I love the lotion and I needed some chapstick. The little booklet that she gave me has ways to handle issues with kids including the scripture to go with it. So cool! This gift meant SO much to me. I often feel like I’m annoying to others because of my anxiety so receiving a gift just encouraged me so much.
Today is going to be a nice, relaxing Self Care Sunday.
I’m writing this blog post and another one coming up. I’m planning to read. Maybe take a nap. I will do a little bit more prep including baking some bread (which I love doing), but not much else! I might also do one load of laundry.
This coming week is going to be pretty laid back. Tomorrow I am having some more summer staff over for dessert and coffee (my “Fruit Group,” which is some ladies).
The kids will continue to do their reading and math every day. I will keep up with the house by doing a load of laundry a day, having the kids do their chores, and tidying each day. We will do one hike/nature walk this week, probably in the evening with Robert again. It was so nice last week.
We leave on the 19th to visit my inlaws, then go to Family Camp at Glorieta in New Mexico (which is our yearly vacation)! I am beyond excited. I am not even that anxious about it this year because I’m not drinking anymore and I know what to expect! It’s a very fun and relaxing week! There will be arrow tag, hiking, mountain biking, nerf room, blacklight dodge ball, foam pit, ice cream, coffee shop, good food, putt putt golf, mountain scooters, drift trikes, 50’s night, western night, dances, a date night, white water rafting (if we can afford it, it’s an additional fee), waterfront, inflatables, naps, games, and most importantly worship! We will also have a counselor assigned to us! And a lot of our friends here at Camp Eagle are going too so we will get to have fun together!
OH! And today is 9 months sober!!!! This is HUGE! It feels like yesterday that I went into La Ha, but it’ll be a year before I know it. I am so much healthier than I was. I have grown so much over the past 9 months!
What are your plans this week?
Any plans for a vacation soon?
Like I’ve mentioned before, someone graciously sponsored me to do the Healthy Habits Happy Moms Balance 365 program. I started a few weeks ago and I tried to “do all the things” and it caused me a lot of anxiety. I also started homeschooling the same week. It was just too much.
I have since pulled back and decided on two things: self love and daily Bible study. You’re really only supposed to choose one, but self love will be something I’m working on every day for a long time so I’m doing that at the same time as another. Daily Bible study obviously isn’t one of their habits, but it’s one that I want to focus on because I am desiring a more intimate relationship with Jesus over anything else right now.
I have started a book/study that a friend of mine bought me when we were in rehab. It’s amazing so far!
It’s a study of Romans, complete with the scripture right in the book. I’m so excited about it :-).
Also, I am working through the self love and gratitude journal from the B365 program.
I made some huge revelations yesterday about my self love journey.
Yesterday I wrote this in the B365 Group:
“How can you love yourself as is and still want to lose weight? The idea of possibly losing weight is what is keeping me stuck. Then I just want to diet again to make it happen faster. It’s a vicious cycle. Right now I’m working on daily Bible reading and self love as my habit, but it’s hard when all I want to do is move on to the ones that will “matter.” I have been diet deprogramming since like March, but I still feel like I’ll never get there.”
A new friend wrote this:
“Also I’ve found the more I love my inside me the more I no longer see my body as me but rather a vessel that holds me. When it’s no longer the main focus of my value the easier it is to be okay with me. Or to accept slower changes. I still have longer term goals to be smaller, but only if I’m healthier than now.”
I realized in that moment that that’s the issue. I don’t love the inside of me.
“I think that’s the hard part. With having mental illnesses and alcoholism, it takes a lot to be happy with myself. I don’t feel like I have much to offer, and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone.”
I will never be able to love my outside if I don’t love my inside. So that’s what I need to work on in the self love department.
Also, many people mentioned that health should be my goal, and I know this, but I have been programmed that a smaller body means healthier. That’s not always the case! I need to come to a point in which I don’t care if I lose weight as long as I’m healthy. And the health part will take time as I pick up one healthy habit at a time. That’s what works long term and is sustainable. Dieting and trying to do things all at once isn’t sustainable.
I pulled out my book, Healthy at Every Size, again and am reading through it slowly. It’s so informative and helpful in thinking of my body in a different way.
Thing is, I am struggling with my body mostly because of what people think. For example, a friend wrote on Facebook the other day that it’s not healthy to be big and you should always try to be smaller (summarized). I know that this is the way people are conditioned by the (60 billion dollar) diet industry, but it’s hard to ignore that kind of stuff. I assume that people are judging me for having gained weight.
Logically I know a few things: 1) I have gained because of mental health medications (40 pounds since I started bipolar meds in 2014, and 14 pounds since I went into rehab), 2) I have gained because of quitting drinking, 3) I am balanced (I eat a variety of foods), 4) Being sober is BIG and should be celebrated! This is very healthy!
I just take on other people’s opinions.
If people judge me for gaining (and they truly might be), that’s their problem, not mine. It’s not my business what people think of me.
It might be a while until I am ready to address food and movement habits. That’s okay :-). That doesn’t mean I can’t have vegetables and fruit or protein and that I can’t go for walks. It just means it’s not something I’m focusing on. I’m waiting until I spend time reading my Bible 4-5 days a week consistently, then I’ll add on another habit. I haven’t decided what the next habit will be. I’ll probably focus on eating a protein rich breakfast. That is my biggest struggle when it comes to food!
Yesterday in my Healthy Habits Happy Moms group, someone started a “free the belly” thread. Hundreds of women took pictures of their bellies and posted them in the comments. I was blown away by how different and similar everyone’s bellies were! They are all moms who have had babies in their bellies, and you could tell on most of them. Stretch marks, sagging, bigger than they used to be. It was so helpful. And one mama told me that we are belly twins. It’s so great to hear/see that other mamas have similar bellies to me (my least favorite part of myself). And the funny thing is that when I see my belly on someone else, I see beauty!
I love this!
I have more to offer than my body. It’s just my shell.
I am passionate, I love others without judgment, I am organized and keep the house clean for my family (most of the time, that is), I am a good teacher, I love Jesus (though I want to grow in this area!), I love my family wholeheartedly, I AM SOBER (259 days!), I love to bake and cook for my family, I desire to make learning fun for my kids, I have learned to live simply, I am an inspiration to others through sharing about my mental illness and alcoholism, and I’m sure there’s more that I’m not thinking of.
Celebrate YOU. Learn to love all of you. Inside and out!
This week has been a doozy.
Wednesday I got an email from Levi’s teacher that said:
“I’ve enjoyed him this year! I remember when he first came to school. He had trouble socializing with the kids, following routines, and remembering rules. Public school was a challenge . Now he fits in with the kids, has a lot of friends and does so well. We did a memory book of first grade and one page says “my best friend are”…… Levi was mentioned in all of the boys books and a couple of the girls. He is a star shining bright! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend this year with him!”
Then I found out that Ethan has been mean to another kid. His behavior has gotten worse since I told them they were homeschooling.
I felt anxiety for several days because of this. I thought that maybe they were better off in school.
Through anxiety this week I have learned a few things…
- It’s probably never going to go away so I need to stop assuming it will.
- I’m not causing it by decisions that I’ve made… I have it because I have an anxiety disorder.
- Learning to work THROUGH it instead of wishing it away will be the best thing for me in the long run.
- Giving myself grace is so important.
- I have this assumption that peace means that I’ve done good and anxiety means that I have done something bad.
- Anxiety comes and goes. It’s like waves.
- Prayer makes a huge difference, believe it or not.
- It’s normal to feel nervous about starting something new again (homeschooling), and I WILL have anxiety some days even though we know this is the right thing.
- I have spent so much time over the years changing decisions based on anxiety. If I felt anxiety, I would change my mind on something. Then when I would feel anxiety again, I would change my mind again. It has been a back-and-forth thing for as long as I can remember. I need to learn to stick with decisions even on the hard days (and there WILL be hard days).
Robert and I talked about how we decided to homeschool based on what is best for our family as a whole, not because they were struggling at school. It works so much better out here at camp.
I decided that no matter what, we need to stick with our decision. It wasn’t just me that made the decision, and I need to trust that God is working in Robert’s heart in this matter, too. The fact that he wants to homeschool now says a lot about this decision.
Yesterday the boys were saying that they want to go to school next year. They had an amazing week of not doing much school work, playing, and partying. They were saying that they will miss their friends and bus driver (really?!). Haha. I told them that they WILL be homeschooling next year and they seemed okay with that. I think they needed me to just tell them what we’re doing no matter what (I had to come to terms with it as well). This morning they were cheering about being homeschoolers now and how excited they are! They just needed to be home to remember what it was like. They have played outside all morning, and I’m sitting on the porch while they play outside. Next week they will start reading 30 minutes a day, and we will start school in July so we can take breaks as needed during the year. We will take a week off when we go to Glorieta camp for family camp (and to see Robert’s parents) at the end of July (it starts on my birthday!).
We’re all just so at peace today and enjoying life. The house is a mess, and I’m going to have to let that go now that they are home. Luckily they clean up quickly, well, and without a fight so it should be fine.
Life is hard, but it is good. I trust God and His plans even when they don’t always make sense. I need to stick with things and be content with where we are in life.
The kids and I went swimming after the boys got home yesterday (at 1:00)! It was super fun! This will be a regular activity! When the lifeguards are out, they can play on the toys. When they aren’t, we just swim :-). Their favorite thing is the floating dock. They get on, jump off, on, off.
This morning I woke up (at 9:00!) to them playing on the back porch and yard. They haven’t done that in a long time… they mostly play across the street under our neighbor’s porch. They are enjoying the Pokemon card game!
I’m also very rested today, which I haven’t been in a long time. So that helps my anxiety considerably! I have been sooooo tired and not sleeping well. I slept the whole night last night!
I’m realizing today just how different life is now that I’m sober. In the past I would have started drinking in a few hours because that’s what I did. I drank typically starting at noon into the evening. Maybe not every day, but most days. I wasn’t living life! I was in a fog all of the time… never alert to what was going on around me. Now I can think clearly and experience things.
Life is good! Praise God!
…MOST things I already have! I ordered a few things (some used). And I’m borrowing several things from my neighbor! I am set for the year!
I haven’t been super consistent with this in the past, but I’m going to try again :-). I have so many great resources that I want to use! I will do this on a loop schedule. Literature and poetry, fine arts, geography, and Bible.
Math (Math U See)
For the boys
They will be doing The Good and the Beautiful for phonics, reading, grammar, spelling, art appreciation, and geography (levels 2 and up). The boys are starting with level 1, and Karis will be starting with level 3 because it’s very advanced. They need the spelling and grammar from the lower levels.
Karis will be doing IEW Ancient History-Based Writing Lessons.
Ethan and Levi will be doing Writing With Ease Level 2 (this is narration, dictation, and copywork).
All 3 kids will also read novels and library books and do a reading response journal using these:
I will also use this list of “book reports” to have them report on the books that they read in a creative way.
Here are a few pictures of the reading response questions that we will use:
This is a rubric to go with the menus.
Science (Apologia Astronomy)
I had this for this past year but I wasn’t consistent with it. We’re going to use it this coming year. We will add field trips to it! The McDonald Observatory, the Scobee Education Center Planetarium, and NASA. It’s going to be so much fun!
We’re borrowing Story of the World Volume One: Ancient Times from my neighbor.
I bought these to go with it. The encyclopedia has internet links to go with it.
These will be our read alouds… one per month.
Handwriting (Handwriting Without Tears)
Nature Studies and Poetry Memorization
I think this is everything :-). It seems like a lot, but many things we will not do everyday.
As I’ve written here, the past few months have been a roller coaster with my mental health, emotional health, and just life in general.
Homeschooling has been the main thing on my mind.
When going through the month (well, over) of extreme anxiety because of meds, I couldn’t function let alone assume that I could do okay with homeschooling so Robert was very anti-homeschooling. He wasn’t so sure that the anxiety was caused by meds or just my normal mental illness. He wasn’t sure that it wasn’t a “flare” of my mental illness.
Fast forward a couple of weeks. We realized after coming off of Geodon that it was the med that was causing my severe anxiety. I was immediately better with-in a day or two. It was clear that it WAS the med and not a “flare.” He was starting to consider that maybe homeschooling was an option again, but he wasn’t completely on board yet.
Last Wednesday I was working on a pros/cons list and it brought me anxiety, then I wrote in a homeschooling group that I wanted to homeschool and I gave a detailed background. Most people in the group thought that I shouldn’t; in fact, some went as far as to basically say that I was selfish for wanting to and that I shouldn’t because I’m an alcoholic. This sent me into a tailspin and I considered that maybe they were right.
Because I was anxious again, Robert said that I should just move on. So I did my best to do that. I wrote a few posts about how I had come to terms with just keeping the boys in school.
Though I said I had moved on and was trying really hard to find the good in keeping them in school, I still just couldn’t let the homeschooling thing go. It was a desperation with-in that I really felt that we needed to be a homeschooling family for good. I can’t even explain why. It just wouldn’t leave me alone.
Fast forward a few days. Robert and I spent Mother’s Day as a family. We went up to the highest point on our camp (the Windmill), swam in the windmill tank, and flew a kite. For some reason the desire to have my people home for good was just so strong. I enjoyed every single bit of being together as a family. I just knew that we were supposed to homeschool.
That night I made my desire very clear to Robert and told him exactly how I felt. I shared that no matter how hard I was trying to let go of it, it wouldn’t go away.
I was so surprised to hear him tell me that I can homeschool! I couldn’t believe it. I was worried that he didn’t really want it so I didn’t take that and run with it. We had a dinner here at camp that night (our summer staff got here that day), and he was exhausted so he fell asleep early and we couldn’t really talk. That night I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking so much about what he had said (along with another issue), and I was excited but nervous that he didn’t really mean it. I didn’t want to be the wife that pushed him into something that he didn’t agree to. So I didn’t assume anything. Monday morning we had several hours to talk. He told me his concerns with homeschooling, but also told me why he thought it would be good for our family. His concerns are that I won’t take good care of myself and that it will send me into a tailspin in which I have to go back to the hospital. But. He explained that he felt it would be good for our family because it would allow us so much more flexibility which is so important here at camp. He agreed that them doing school for 3-4 hours was so much better than them being gone for 10 hours each day, then coming home to do homework. He loves the idea of us not having to get up at 5:00-5:30 every day and the kids can stay up later, which allows us to do more here at camp. He loves the idea that we can go places during the school year, which is much easier to do because summer here is so crazy.
So. He was finally on board, but with some conditions.
He wants me to put self care first. He wants part of that self care to be me exercising multiple days a week, outside, because it makes a huge difference for my mental health. He has seen it help so much time and time again. I will run/walk some days, and some days I will hike.
I need to still be able to go to AA and counseling as part of my self care. The kids will go with me to town and sometimes they will hang out with my mom and sometimes they will go with me to AA. The ladies there have told me that the kids are always welcome! We will make a day of it. We will go to ChickFilA for lunch, go to the park, the library, etc.
He wants me to use my resources to have mental health breaks, including sending them to my moms if I need. She offered the day that I told her we would be homeschooling again.
He wants me to not obsess about curriculum. So I told him that I already have most of what I need, and I have a few things already picked out. I am currently saving up to buy everything at once.
He also wants me to take the kids on field trips. He feels that that is one of the benefits of homeschooling and that they can see things that they wouldn’t normally get to see and be a part of.
The day that we decided to do this, I met with my counselor. I told her what we decided and then talked about how for some reason I’m nervous even though I’m super excited. We determined that the main reason I’m nervous is because I didn’t want to share about it because I have changed my mind so many times (which, I didn’t ever really change my mind… I knew what I wanted but I didn’t think I could have it). Also, I know that so many people have strong opinions about why I shouldn’t homeschool and that has been driving my anxiety. We talked about why I value others’ opinions so much. We determined that it’s because of the years of bullying that I endured as a child. I have the strong desire to please others, to do what they think, and it causes me anxiety when someone disagrees with me (and I assume that maybe they are right). I did some EMDR about this.
We processed through the fact that even though I have had some inconsistencies in my life, I have some things that have been steady as well. I have a great marriage to Robert and we have been married for 13 1/2 years. I am a good mama and work through things to make sure my kids don’t feel too many affects of my illnesses. I have consistent routines for the kids. I got a college degree. When I was in college, I was a pharmacy tech for 6 years. We have lived at Camp for 2 years now and this is where we will be from now on (unless God calls us elsewhere, but I don’t see that happening). We were in our past house for 3 years. There are some routines and habits that have been in place for years despite the other inconsistencies in my life. And now that I’m not drinking and have good meds, other things should become more stable. But. Life is life and inconsistency can be part of normal life. It is ever changing. My kids will grow up being able to handle change.
We talked a lot about how others’ opinions aren’t important and that Robert and I need to make decisions that are best for our family.
So, that’s what we did.
I have been so excited that it has been hard to contain myself.
He wanted me to wait to tell the boys till their last day of school next Thursday but I accidentally let Karis know (I didn’t tell her… she guessed it by the fact that I walked in with some curriculum that I bought from a friend). I didn’t want her to accidentally tell the boys. So I’m telling them after school today!! I’m so excited!
This summer is going to be a busy one! June 6th we have friends coming here for a week. Then the next week, Karis and Ethan are going to camp and Levi and I are going to my parents’. The last week of June, Robert and I are going backpacking in New Mexico (Gila Wilderness) while the kids are at my parents’. I will be working some in the camp store here. We will be going to Six Flags Fiesta Texas with my parents at some point. The last week of July we will be going to Glorieta’s Family Camp. So we only have a few weeks that we’re not going anywhere.
The days that we will be home, Karis will do her math (because I’m trying to get her through this level since we started behind), they will all read 30-45 minutes and do a reading log, and we will do some science activities here and there. But actual school won’t start till the first week of August. I will write a post next about the curriculum that I will be using with the boys.
After I pick the boys up today, I will tell them, then we will celebrate by going swimming in the river here! Can’t wait!
This past week was lllooonnnggg. I had bad anxiety and I could barely see past it. I was pretty selfish through it and have had to repair a few things. I’m grateful for the grace of people in my life … Continue reading
I’m just so stinkin’ thankful for life. I wake up early easily because I’m thankful for the day ahead now (I used to dread it). Before, I would struggle to get out of bed because I was alone all day every day. It was depressing.
I love spending time with my girl. I enjoy teaching her.
Yesterday was a fantastic day (despite being exhausted from waking up at 3:50).
We went on a hike on a beautiful day. I’m so thankful for this beautiful land that we live on with hike/bike trails!
She’s so beautiful!
Then the kids had choir.
Today has been great! It started out with Bible study this morning at 7:00. We have it here which I love for two reasons: 1) I love opening my home to the ladies here at camp, 2) I will actually attend it!
We studied 1 Peter 2 this week.
Karis always starts her day with a quiet time. Today she read and studied Genesis chapters 3 and 4.
We borrowed the Math U See Gamma DVD from my neighbor so that Karis could learn how the MUS teacher teaches long multiplication. I’m so glad that we did! He teaches things in a way that totally makes sense and is easy to do. She is more confident in her multiplication now. Tomorrow we’ll watch more, then Monday we’ll move on to Delta (division). She should be on the next level (Epsilon), but she was behind so I thought I would help her understand better.
She does all of her reading on the floor :-). Whatever works!
I didn’t take a picture of her doing her writing, but it went really well again today! We did dictation today. I’m glad that we made the decision to try this curriculum again. It’s not ideal long term, but it’s good now. I want her to get more confident in writing before I make her write things from scratch. When that happens, I have a ton of units to do that I bought on Teachers Pay Teachers. We’ll get there. I’ve considered maybe trying Institute for Excellence in Writing again if the units that I bought don’t work for her, but we’ll see. I’m not going to make any long term plans anymore because things always change.
I’m just happy to have her home, and she’s soooooo happy to be home! She’s giddy with excitement all the time! Her anxious self is no longer here. She’s her content, happy self again. I think she’s just meant to homeschool.
What are you thankful for?