Yesterday, I relaxed all morning (drinking coffee of course), then I worked in the house all afternoon. The kids and I cleaned the whole house, I did some laundry, and I organized my office. I also made an amazing vision … Continue reading
This has been an extremely busy weekend so far!!
The kids did most of the cleaning on Friday. I just did some touch up. I am so thankful that they can do that because I had so much cooking and food prep to do.
We had HAF (“home away from”) Homes Friday night with some summer staff. We had homemade carnitas, pinto beans, Spanish rice, homemade guacamole, banana pudding, and coconut oatmeal cookies. And sweet tea and hibiscus mint tea. So I was in the kitchen allllll afternoon and evening. It was so fun though!
The kids helped in the kitchen (well, Karis and Ethan).
The carnitas look pretty in the Instant Pot (one of these days I’ll get around to sharing the recipe!). We also had my favorite corn and wheat tortillas and Spanish rice made from a package (everything else was homemade… just not the rice). Robert makes the best homemade guacamole.
The summer staff and my kids played Mario Cart for a long time after dinner!
One thing that made me happy was when one of the summer staff told me that my home is very warm and peaceful. I have been told that before and that is always my goal! I want people to feel comfortable here.
That night I had a LOT of anxiety. I’m not even sure why, I just know that I had a hard time breathing. I have been much better since, though!
Yesterday I made some peanut butter pies, then got things ready to have people over again. We had a meet and greet last night for a prospective maintenance tech and his wife. It went so well! We all loved them!
Then I did a ton of prep work for the week!
I cut veggies for the week and took the grapes off the vine.
I made whole wheat pumpkin banana muffins (for the week) and pumpkin banana bread (for the meet and greet, and no one touched it…).
I had a piece of the bread and it was soooooo amazing. I know it’s a little early for pumpkin, but I get ready for fall super early since it’s my favorite season!
My neighbor gave me a sweet gift and card yesterday.
The candle is fall scented. It smells amazing! And I love the lotion and I needed some chapstick. The little booklet that she gave me has ways to handle issues with kids including the scripture to go with it. So cool! This gift meant SO much to me. I often feel like I’m annoying to others because of my anxiety so receiving a gift just encouraged me so much.
Today is going to be a nice, relaxing Self Care Sunday.
I’m writing this blog post and another one coming up. I’m planning to read. Maybe take a nap. I will do a little bit more prep including baking some bread (which I love doing), but not much else! I might also do one load of laundry.
This coming week is going to be pretty laid back. Tomorrow I am having some more summer staff over for dessert and coffee (my “Fruit Group,” which is some ladies).
The kids will continue to do their reading and math every day. I will keep up with the house by doing a load of laundry a day, having the kids do their chores, and tidying each day. We will do one hike/nature walk this week, probably in the evening with Robert again. It was so nice last week.
We leave on the 19th to visit my inlaws, then go to Family Camp at Glorieta in New Mexico (which is our yearly vacation)! I am beyond excited. I am not even that anxious about it this year because I’m not drinking anymore and I know what to expect! It’s a very fun and relaxing week! There will be arrow tag, hiking, mountain biking, nerf room, blacklight dodge ball, foam pit, ice cream, coffee shop, good food, putt putt golf, mountain scooters, drift trikes, 50’s night, western night, dances, a date night, white water rafting (if we can afford it, it’s an additional fee), waterfront, inflatables, naps, games, and most importantly worship! We will also have a counselor assigned to us! And a lot of our friends here at Camp Eagle are going too so we will get to have fun together!
OH! And today is 9 months sober!!!! This is HUGE! It feels like yesterday that I went into La Ha, but it’ll be a year before I know it. I am so much healthier than I was. I have grown so much over the past 9 months!
What are your plans this week?
Any plans for a vacation soon?
Yesterday I met my mom in Kerrville for her to pick the kids up and take them to her house. They are there till Monday. I spent a lot of the day today being lazy.
At about 3:45 I had had enough of that so I got up and got busy! I cut up veggies and baked some muffins. Robert came home about the time that I was going to cut a cantaloupe and honey dew. He ended up cutting it for me, then he pan-seared some salmon and chicken breast for me to have over salads this coming week. I bagged mixed nuts for snacks, made pumpkin steel cut oats in the instant pot, tore lettuce and put it in a big container to have salads, made homemade dressings (creamy buffalo and balsamic vinaigrette), and made quinoa.
I also have peeled boiled eggs (I buy them boiled and peeled from Walmart!) and Greek yogurt to grab for snacks or to go with meals!
I feel like I am set up for success! It feels so good.
All of this work only took a few hours! It helps that Robert pitched in!
On a similar note…
I started the Healthy Habits Happy Moms Balance 365 program several weeks ago. The idea is to pick one healthy habit at a time to focus on, and once you are consistent with it for a time, then you add another one. It’s slllloooowwww and hard sometimes. I have honestly struggled with even figuring out what to start with because I feel like I’m not at all where I want to be with my health. I am learning to love my body the way it is, but I know that I have a ways to go in the health department. But dieting isn’t the answer. It’s not healthy, it isn’t sustainable, and it actually leads to bingeing and weight gain. So I want to be okay with the slowness of this program.
Robert and I were talking earlier and I realized that he’s right… I need to focus 100% on being active again. So many reasons. I have high cholesterol and the meds that I was on cause high liver enzymes… since I am an alcoholic my doctor prefers for me to not take them unless I have to (even though I’m not drinking anymore!). Also. With my generalized anxiety disorder and the return of the weird physical symptoms, being outside hiking is REALLY good for that. It’s one of the best things for anxiety, actually. My counselor has told me that she wants me to walk 30 minutes a day and I haven’t been doing that. I find joy in being outside. I love hiking. I have just gotten out of the habit. I used to hike ALL THE TIME. Also, we are backpacking in a couple of months and I am NOT physically ready for that! It’s just the best habit to focus on right now!
My goal is 2-3 times a week by myself and once a week with the kids to do their nature study . I would like to do what my counselor told me to do (every day), but I’m going to start slow.
Overall I am doing SO well right now. I just still have this anxiety. And it’s weird that I’m having the breathing issue off and on. I know the anxiety is always going to be there, but my counselor tells me that I can get it more manageable if I get outside exercise. So that is what I will do!
Robert also reminded me that usually when I am active, everything else falls into place. I am more consistent with a lot of things in my life… time in the Word, eating healthier, I’m more active in the community, etc because I’m feeling good mentally!
This is kind of a hard post to write because it means me finding my voice and maybe going against something that I’ve been told over and over again. I’ve also learned to take the good from something and to be okay if I don’t agree with every part.
The body positive community is a tough one. On one hand, they helped me to learn to hate my body less, learn to eat more balanced (and stop dieting), learn to not feel guilty if I don’t eat perfectly, helped me to understand that fat phobia is a real thing and I’m in the process of overcoming that, helped me to see others in a different light, helped me to learn to eat when hungry and stop when full (intuitive eating), and much more! On the other hand, they are very feminist (which I have mixed feelings about), very anti-weight loss (which I have mixed feelings about because what if weight loss is the outcome of intuitive eating and joyful movement?), and I feel that they don’t seem to think that health is all that important.
I have been feeling guilty for wanting to eat healthy, for wanting to exercise (and have goals in this area), and for disagreeing with the community in any way, shape, or form.
Today I have been talking with the ladies in the Healthy Habits, Happy Moms group that I’m in, and they have helped me to feel empowered to do what I want for myself, my body, and my mental/physical/emotional health. Dieting doesn’t work. Habit change and intuitive eating does work. And if I don’t lose weight due to being healthy, that’s okay too. Healthy habits are my goal. I have decided that it’s okay if I want to start running again (despite being told that I shouldn’t). I want to become strong again. I want to be able to run a 5k again. I want to be able to hike long-distance again. I want to be able to feel good and not need a nap every day. I want to be able to backpack long-distance again. I want to continue to have a balanced view of food and feel okay with eating Cheetos, but also feel good about eating veggies. I don’t want to feel guilty for either. I want health to be my goal but to not feel guilty for wanting to lose weight in the back of my mind. I can’t help it and it doesn’t make me a bad person.
For my self care, I am going back to focusing on healthy habits. The two that I’m going to work on are: Doing Couch to 5k and reducing sugar in my coffee. I will continue eating balanced, taking vitamins/meds/supplements, and working on self love. The behaviors of exercise and balanced eating are what make me feel good, so that’s what I want. I also want to feel strong. When I was running before I felt so proud of myself and accomplished. I was able to handle so much physically. I ended up backpacking 23 miles in one day at one time (that wasn’t planned and I hurt for days afterwards, but I did it!). When we backpack, we typically hike 13-14 miles on average in a day. I want to be able to do that again! Right now, if I walk up a hill I feel terrible. I am so out of shape. I will probably also start doing strength training again eventually, but I’ll get there… don’t want to overwhelm myself. Three days of walking/running is sufficient for now! Self care is my goal, but if weight loss is the outcome, that doesn’t make me anti-body positive.
I want to also eventually try to increase my water intake and decrease my soda intake… but that’ll come. One habit at a time! Studies show that the more habits you try to change the least successful you are at actually making those changes.
The biggest thing that I am learning lately is that I need to stop caring so much what people say or think. I need to do what I need to do for myself. The same thing happened with my desire to homeschool. It all comes down to what’s best for me and what’s best for our family!
Robert completely agrees with me on all of this, and I’m so happy to have his support!
Several years ago I worked with a counselor doing cognitive behavioral therapy. She helped me to realize that my thoughts make a huge impact on my life. It helped me so much. I was able to live the life that I wanted to live (for the most part) despite my mental illness.
Since we moved away from Frisco and I no longer have that counselor, I have forgotten so much about how to control my thoughts. My current counselor is fantastic, but she hasn’t really helped me work on controlling my thoughts.
This past month has been hard on me. Like I’ve said in past posts, I have had extreme anxiety since I had to change meds. It greatly affected my life every day. I felt like I wanted to give up on all the things that make me happy. I just felt like I couldn’t handle anything anymore. Then yesterday I was extremely exhausted because of my new medication. Yet another reason to feel like I just need to give up on everything that makes me happy. I was feeling so down because all I want is to be able to live life to its fullest… homeschool all of my kids, go on trips, eat in the dining hall, take the kids places, go backpacking, etc without feeling extreme anxiety.
I no longer feel anxiety since I stopped taking the Geodon, but I have been extremely exhausted since starting the new med. I was feeling really down again because of thinking I’m just doomed to struggle through life. I was thinking that I’ll never be able to do what I want to be able to do… I should just give up trying.
Everything changed last night when Robert got home. We had a fantastic talk and I changed my thoughts which made me feel so much better. I feel hope again.
He went on a field trip with the boys yesterday. He had a really rough time because Ethan’s teacher sat at the front of the bus completely ignoring the class and he had to discipline the kids (who were very difficult). His eyes were opened to how things may be in the classroom and he was not impressed.
When he got home I joked with him saying that maybe we should homeschool the boys again because the school isn’t what we thought (knowing that it really isn’t that bad… I was kind of joking). He asked me if I really think I can handle homeschooling. I told him that I’m not sure but asked if we could put the idea back on the table and pray about it and see how I’m feeling over time with my new med. He said that he’s totally fine with that… he wasn’t the one who felt like we needed to make a decision immediately. He feels like it’s a good idea he just wants to make sure I can handle it. And we don’t want to decide to homeschool and change our mind again. He feels like it would actually be better for our family to have the boys home. It opens up so much… we would no longer have to drive 50 minutes a day to pick them up from the bus. We would be able to take trips, go backpacking, spend time with grandparents, go on field trips, etc. The kids would be able to play with their friends here more. They would be able to stay up later which is easier for things that go on here at camp. They wouldn’t be away from the house for 10 hours a day.
The hard things about it are that I wouldn’t have as much time for self care, if I have a bad few days it could set us behind (which, we could school year round to account for bad days), and it would cost more to homeschool them on top of homeschooling Karis.
Anyway… just thinking about the possibility of being able to homeschool all of the kids changed my thought pattern completely. No longer was I thinking “poor me,” “life sucks,” “I can’t handle anything.” I started thinking that maybe I can handle things. Maybe life doesn’t suck. Maybe I just need to be a fighter. I don’t need to give up. Robert believes in me, why don’t I believe in myself? Then I started to think about the fact that the boys will be home this summer and I want to live life to its fullest. And Robert and I will be going backpacking. So, summer will be full of swimming, backpacking, hiking, family camp, time with friends. A little bit of school (math and reading). Time with my parents. Six flags, the zoo, etc. Just busy and fun. Before yesterday, I would have been anxious about all of that, but now I’m hopeful, peaceful, and excited!
I realized yesterday and this morning that my thoughts have really been impacting me. Changing my thoughts immediately changed my mental health.
So just like I wrote the other day about Taking Charge of My Wellness Holistically, I want to focus on all of the things that I can do as well as doing things that I want to do that make me happy and work well for our family.
I refuse to give in! I’m a fighter! I may have bad days, but that doesn’t mean that I need to give up. That just means I need to take good care of myself.
Now to do lots of prayer about what to do about homeschooling. At this point, it’s going to be what God wants me to do. Robert is on board if I feel like I can handle it. Only time will tell :-).
I woke up this morning (after only 4.5 hours of sleep) feeling a drive for taking charge of things. I have been working really hard (counseling, seeing my doctor once a month, taking my medication, working with a dietitian, etc), … Continue reading
Yesterday was a pretty low-key day because I was sick.
I budgeted, wrote a grocery list, and wrote out meals that we can cook for this month (with food that we already have)… I will post about that is coming up.
I ordered some groceries on Walmart.com.
I supervised the kids while they cleaned up the house. They do such a great job. I helped a bit.
Today my family went to church without me because I just wasn’t feeling well when I woke up.
Since I didn’t go, I worshipped via You Tube, and I listened to a sermon from my church’s website.
I felt a bit better later in the day (which made me wish I had gone), so I did some cleaning up and laundry. The kids’ did a great job of cleaning the house yesterday, but I decided to clean up their rooms and make their beds for them (they got messy again) because I never do that anymore. I just wanted to serve them. I want them to come home and be able to play all afternoon.
I also did their laundry (again, not something I do often anymore).
They cleaned the bathrooms yesterday, and I just touched them up today.
I just love my little house. It’s perfect for our family.
After cleaning, I prepped some veggies.
I baked a peanut butter cake (without the icing) for breakfasts.
I realize it’s Tuesday, but I didn’t have a chance to blog yesterday so I’m going to share some things today.
Yesterday was a long, exhausting day, but it was great in a lot of ways. I have made some decisions to possibly help with anxiety and my own digestive issues.
After Karis’ doctor told us to eliminate wheat, reduce dairy, take probiotics, and increase water and fiber for anxiety and her digestive issues, I talked to my counselor about it and she asked why I wouldn’t try it as well. She read me some studies that point to lowered anxiety and depression with eliminating gluten. And dairy makes my stomach hurt. My counselor has been doing this for 30 years so I trust that when she says it works, it works. Then I talked with a friend here that is gluten free and she said it decreased anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. So we’ll see!
I talked with my dietitian about it and she said we can try it for a month (well, she said 3 weeks but I think a month is better) and see how I feel. I can then add them in one at a time and see if it affects me.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m eliminating dairy and gluten, adding in fiber and probiotics (also encouraged by my dietitian), and drinking lots of water (mainly because I’m taking lithium now and you have to drink lots of water with it).
Yesterday I ordered some good probiotics and fiber (Garden of Life brand) as well as probiotics for Karis (just Vitacost brand). I also take fish oil and a whole foods multi vitamin.
Now the question that I asked myself and my dietitian has been very adamant about is that I don’t view this as a weight loss diet, but as a way to feel better. I don’t think I’ll lose weight… I’ll still eat intuitively (eat when I’m hungry until I’m comfortably full). I won’t focus on eating “good foods” vs. “bad foods,” but just foods that make me feel good. I’m not planning to lose weight at all. My goal is health. Lower weight does not always mean good health (lots of studies show this!).
And now that Karis is home I will be better about hiking. It was hard to convince myself to go alone.
I also did EMDR and wow it brought out a lot of things that I can work on and process. I have decided to not go into details about these sessions because it’s very personal. Just know that I think this will also help my anxiety and increase emotional connection with my family and friends.
I’m trying to be the best me that I can be. Closer to Jesus, positive body image, healthy, feeling good, lower anxiety and depression, better mom and wife, etc. And I’ve gotten back to my daily routine which helps so much.
I’m soooooo grateful for spring!
I’m grateful that Karis has been so excited about school.
I’m grateful for a way for Karis to study God’s word at her level.
I’m grateful that she got up on her own this morning, got dressed, made her bed, brushed her hair and teeth, and filled out her planner for the week using my lesson plans!
(Yes her handwriting and spelling aren’t great…)
I’m grateful for coffee (even when it’s decaf with almond milk), water, spring scented candles, and my new Happy Planner!
I’m so grateful for the Bible study that I’m doing. It is more in-depth than any study I’ve ever done, as you can see by my marked-up Bible.
I’m grateful that she’s enjoying school (mostly… she hates writing and it brought her to tears today).
I’m soooooo grateful for a neighbor that is loaning us so much! We are using her math DVD’s, fraction overlays, and blocks (Math U See); history (Story of the World); and now writing (Writing with Ease). She is saving us so much money.
Along those lines, I’m learning to do this homeschool thing much cheaper this time! Instead of spending the $400 that I originally told my hubby I would need to spend (to get all of the stuff I wanted), I have only spent about $125 (Math U See Delta student books, Apologia Astronomy notebooking journal, Easy Grammar and Daily Grams, and some Teachers Pay Teachers stuff).
I’m currently creating a Geography unit based solely on free stuff that I found on Pinterest! This is fun!
Have you wondered what I mean when I say I’m working with a dietitian that focuses on Intuitive Eating and positive body image? Keep reading.
I have been working pretty closely with my dietitian and have been learning so much. I thought I knew everything I needed to, but I’m finding I know and understand very little.
What I’m learning:
- She (Tracy) is helping me work through so much more than eating “healthy” (everyone has a different view of healthy)
- She is helping me determine when I’m hungry and when I’m full… trying to start at a 3/4 and ending on a 7/8. 0/1 is starving… shaky, faint, tired, etc. 9/10 is extremely stuffed. Also on this journal I discuss feelings, self care, movement, what my intentions are for the day. She has told me that I am not eating enough (I’m still restricting) and that the amount I’m eating doesn’t make me satisfied enough. It’s been eye opening.
- There is a reason for my constant drinking of coffee and Coke Zero. For me the main reason for my Coke Zero intake is that I am replacing the alcohol. The main thing I drank when I was drinking was either beer or Coke Zero and rum or vodka. I pretty much drank most of the afternoon/evening; not every day, but most. Also, it is helping me numb out some feelings that maybe aren’t pleasant. So she is having me journal those feelings. Coffee is mostly because I’m home most of the morning, and I’m just used to always have a drink of something. The main thing that she and my counselor want me to do is reduce/eliminate caffeine. My counselor wants me to eliminate it because it affects my anxiety. Tracy wants me to reduce it because it affects my hunger and satiety cues, which actually means I don’t eat enough. This is interesting stuff.
- The main things that she said I should do for my health right now (besides working on reducing caffeine through sodas and coffee) are to add some more fiber (through supplements or through food), take a multi vitamin and fish oil (which I’ve been doing since I was in rehab), and move my body regularly (doing what is joyful for me… no extreme exercise right now). Joyful movement for me means hiking and walking. I love being outside in nature, but I don’t like running here because of the hills and rocks. So hiking and walking it is. I don’t like anything indoors (like videos, weight lifting, etc). And I’ve learned that’s okay. I need to do what I enjoy so that I actually do it.
- She’s helping me learn to give myself grace with food and drink. Reducing caffeine, coffee, and soda is going to be a process. She wants me to give myself grace when I feel like I’m not doing this right. There is no right way. Also, I have been conditioned a certain way about food, and I need to let that go in order to learn to eat intuitively. I have a history of restriction and she says that I’m still restricting (I fill out an intuitive eating food journal).
- She is helping me pinpoint more areas of self care that I can pick up to help me through my day. There’s a whole week in the program in which she pinpoints things that we can do for self care. She also told me yesterday to take time every day to just enjoy something without doing. Yesterday I sat on my porch without electronics or anything and watching the birds and squirrels while listening to music that makes me happy. It was so nice.
- One of the biggest things that she’s doing is helping me work through fat phobia and why I fear gaining weight. I can tell that I’m still gaining weight (and will continue, possibly, because of my medication), and it is causing me anxiety. She is working through the whys. Why do I fear that? What has society taught me about weight gain that makes me think being bigger is a bad thing? What will happen because of weight gain? How will it affect me as a person? I am so much more than my body. What things do I have to offer that have nothing to do with my body? Emily Wierenga says in her book Almost Anorexic, “In a society that equates thin with beauty and beauty with love, we long to be thin, and so we hide. Beneath layers of guilt and shame, not seeing ourselves for the royalty that we are.”
- “Each person has a ‘natural weight’, the weight at which the body is and feels healthy and is free of risk factors within our control.” Lower weight doesn’t necessarily equal healthier. I had high cholesterol even at my lowest weight (it’s hereditary and one of my medications causes high cholesterol). I know people that are thin and have diabetes and high blood pressure. I also know over-weight people that are completely healthy.
- “We have a set point for the number of fat cells in our body and how little fat those cells can contain. Body fat is not intrinsically unhealthy tissue and does not lead to death.”
- Healing happens in a relaxation response… focus on self care and reducing stress and anxiety first
- We have different feelings when our needs are met vs. when our needs are not met.
- I could go on and on!
Through all of this, I am taking better care of myself.
I wasn’t sure if this program would be worth the money, but it has already been worth it and I’m only on Month 1, Week 3 of a 3 month program! I can’t wait to see what I continue to learn!