Consistency is hard for me. I am a planner and plan to do things often that I struggle with follow through on or just give up when things don’t go as planned. This has been a struggle for me my … Continue reading
Last weekend I decided that I needed to treat sodas like I do alcohol because I sure drink them the same, and I decided to quit completely. I have been putting this off for many reasons: I didn’t want to … Continue reading
I love that the kids are bigger and they can 1) be alone at camp while I hike and work retail, and 2) do so much more than they used to be able to. We can finally do “all the … Continue reading
I’ve written about this sooooo many times, and I have made a final decision (after talking with Robert who is a very balanced person and he agrees with me this time). I am doing something “black and white” (I’ve been … Continue reading
Routine. It’s so necessary for my mental health. While I try really hard to implement it during the summer, it’s not built in so it’s hard. I tend to stay up too late. Sleep too late. Sit around drinking coffee … Continue reading
This past week has been full of reflection. With the high profile suicides that are happening, my friend asked me if I was okay. She was concerned since I lost my brother to suicide and because of my own struggle … Continue reading
Yesterday, I relaxed all morning (drinking coffee of course), then I worked in the house all afternoon. The kids and I cleaned the whole house, I did some laundry, and I organized my office. I also made an amazing vision … Continue reading
This has been an extremely busy weekend so far!!
The kids did most of the cleaning on Friday. I just did some touch up. I am so thankful that they can do that because I had so much cooking and food prep to do.
We had HAF (“home away from”) Homes Friday night with some summer staff. We had homemade carnitas, pinto beans, Spanish rice, homemade guacamole, banana pudding, and coconut oatmeal cookies. And sweet tea and hibiscus mint tea. So I was in the kitchen allllll afternoon and evening. It was so fun though!
The kids helped in the kitchen (well, Karis and Ethan).
The carnitas look pretty in the Instant Pot (one of these days I’ll get around to sharing the recipe!). We also had my favorite corn and wheat tortillas and Spanish rice made from a package (everything else was homemade… just not the rice). Robert makes the best homemade guacamole.
The summer staff and my kids played Mario Cart for a long time after dinner!
One thing that made me happy was when one of the summer staff told me that my home is very warm and peaceful. I have been told that before and that is always my goal! I want people to feel comfortable here.
That night I had a LOT of anxiety. I’m not even sure why, I just know that I had a hard time breathing. I have been much better since, though!
Yesterday I made some peanut butter pies, then got things ready to have people over again. We had a meet and greet last night for a prospective maintenance tech and his wife. It went so well! We all loved them!
Then I did a ton of prep work for the week!
I cut veggies for the week and took the grapes off the vine.
I made whole wheat pumpkin banana muffins (for the week) and pumpkin banana bread (for the meet and greet, and no one touched it…).
I had a piece of the bread and it was soooooo amazing. I know it’s a little early for pumpkin, but I get ready for fall super early since it’s my favorite season!
My neighbor gave me a sweet gift and card yesterday.
The candle is fall scented. It smells amazing! And I love the lotion and I needed some chapstick. The little booklet that she gave me has ways to handle issues with kids including the scripture to go with it. So cool! This gift meant SO much to me. I often feel like I’m annoying to others because of my anxiety so receiving a gift just encouraged me so much.
Today is going to be a nice, relaxing Self Care Sunday.
I’m writing this blog post and another one coming up. I’m planning to read. Maybe take a nap. I will do a little bit more prep including baking some bread (which I love doing), but not much else! I might also do one load of laundry.
This coming week is going to be pretty laid back. Tomorrow I am having some more summer staff over for dessert and coffee (my “Fruit Group,” which is some ladies).
The kids will continue to do their reading and math every day. I will keep up with the house by doing a load of laundry a day, having the kids do their chores, and tidying each day. We will do one hike/nature walk this week, probably in the evening with Robert again. It was so nice last week.
We leave on the 19th to visit my inlaws, then go to Family Camp at Glorieta in New Mexico (which is our yearly vacation)! I am beyond excited. I am not even that anxious about it this year because I’m not drinking anymore and I know what to expect! It’s a very fun and relaxing week! There will be arrow tag, hiking, mountain biking, nerf room, blacklight dodge ball, foam pit, ice cream, coffee shop, good food, putt putt golf, mountain scooters, drift trikes, 50’s night, western night, dances, a date night, white water rafting (if we can afford it, it’s an additional fee), waterfront, inflatables, naps, games, and most importantly worship! We will also have a counselor assigned to us! And a lot of our friends here at Camp Eagle are going too so we will get to have fun together!
OH! And today is 9 months sober!!!! This is HUGE! It feels like yesterday that I went into La Ha, but it’ll be a year before I know it. I am so much healthier than I was. I have grown so much over the past 9 months!
What are your plans this week?
Any plans for a vacation soon?
Yesterday I met my mom in Kerrville for her to pick the kids up and take them to her house. They are there till Monday. I spent a lot of the day today being lazy.
At about 3:45 I had had enough of that so I got up and got busy! I cut up veggies and baked some muffins. Robert came home about the time that I was going to cut a cantaloupe and honey dew. He ended up cutting it for me, then he pan-seared some salmon and chicken breast for me to have over salads this coming week. I bagged mixed nuts for snacks, made pumpkin steel cut oats in the instant pot, tore lettuce and put it in a big container to have salads, made homemade dressings (creamy buffalo and balsamic vinaigrette), and made quinoa.
I also have peeled boiled eggs (I buy them boiled and peeled from Walmart!) and Greek yogurt to grab for snacks or to go with meals!
I feel like I am set up for success! It feels so good.
All of this work only took a few hours! It helps that Robert pitched in!
On a similar note…
I started the Healthy Habits Happy Moms Balance 365 program several weeks ago. The idea is to pick one healthy habit at a time to focus on, and once you are consistent with it for a time, then you add another one. It’s slllloooowwww and hard sometimes. I have honestly struggled with even figuring out what to start with because I feel like I’m not at all where I want to be with my health. I am learning to love my body the way it is, but I know that I have a ways to go in the health department. But dieting isn’t the answer. It’s not healthy, it isn’t sustainable, and it actually leads to bingeing and weight gain. So I want to be okay with the slowness of this program.
Robert and I were talking earlier and I realized that he’s right… I need to focus 100% on being active again. So many reasons. I have high cholesterol and the meds that I was on cause high liver enzymes… since I am an alcoholic my doctor prefers for me to not take them unless I have to (even though I’m not drinking anymore!). Also. With my generalized anxiety disorder and the return of the weird physical symptoms, being outside hiking is REALLY good for that. It’s one of the best things for anxiety, actually. My counselor has told me that she wants me to walk 30 minutes a day and I haven’t been doing that. I find joy in being outside. I love hiking. I have just gotten out of the habit. I used to hike ALL THE TIME. Also, we are backpacking in a couple of months and I am NOT physically ready for that! It’s just the best habit to focus on right now!
My goal is 2-3 times a week by myself and once a week with the kids to do their nature study . I would like to do what my counselor told me to do (every day), but I’m going to start slow.
Overall I am doing SO well right now. I just still have this anxiety. And it’s weird that I’m having the breathing issue off and on. I know the anxiety is always going to be there, but my counselor tells me that I can get it more manageable if I get outside exercise. So that is what I will do!
Robert also reminded me that usually when I am active, everything else falls into place. I am more consistent with a lot of things in my life… time in the Word, eating healthier, I’m more active in the community, etc because I’m feeling good mentally!
This is kind of a hard post to write because it means me finding my voice and maybe going against something that I’ve been told over and over again. I’ve also learned to take the good from something and to be okay if I don’t agree with every part.
The body positive community is a tough one. On one hand, they helped me to learn to hate my body less, learn to eat more balanced (and stop dieting), learn to not feel guilty if I don’t eat perfectly, helped me to understand that fat phobia is a real thing and I’m in the process of overcoming that, helped me to see others in a different light, helped me to learn to eat when hungry and stop when full (intuitive eating), and much more! On the other hand, they are very feminist (which I have mixed feelings about), very anti-weight loss (which I have mixed feelings about because what if weight loss is the outcome of intuitive eating and joyful movement?), and I feel that they don’t seem to think that health is all that important.
I have been feeling guilty for wanting to eat healthy, for wanting to exercise (and have goals in this area), and for disagreeing with the community in any way, shape, or form.
Today I have been talking with the ladies in the Healthy Habits, Happy Moms group that I’m in, and they have helped me to feel empowered to do what I want for myself, my body, and my mental/physical/emotional health. Dieting doesn’t work. Habit change and intuitive eating does work. And if I don’t lose weight due to being healthy, that’s okay too. Healthy habits are my goal. I have decided that it’s okay if I want to start running again (despite being told that I shouldn’t). I want to become strong again. I want to be able to run a 5k again. I want to be able to hike long-distance again. I want to be able to feel good and not need a nap every day. I want to be able to backpack long-distance again. I want to continue to have a balanced view of food and feel okay with eating Cheetos, but also feel good about eating veggies. I don’t want to feel guilty for either. I want health to be my goal but to not feel guilty for wanting to lose weight in the back of my mind. I can’t help it and it doesn’t make me a bad person.
For my self care, I am going back to focusing on healthy habits. The two that I’m going to work on are: Doing Couch to 5k and reducing sugar in my coffee. I will continue eating balanced, taking vitamins/meds/supplements, and working on self love. The behaviors of exercise and balanced eating are what make me feel good, so that’s what I want. I also want to feel strong. When I was running before I felt so proud of myself and accomplished. I was able to handle so much physically. I ended up backpacking 23 miles in one day at one time (that wasn’t planned and I hurt for days afterwards, but I did it!). When we backpack, we typically hike 13-14 miles on average in a day. I want to be able to do that again! Right now, if I walk up a hill I feel terrible. I am so out of shape. I will probably also start doing strength training again eventually, but I’ll get there… don’t want to overwhelm myself. Three days of walking/running is sufficient for now! Self care is my goal, but if weight loss is the outcome, that doesn’t make me anti-body positive.
I want to also eventually try to increase my water intake and decrease my soda intake… but that’ll come. One habit at a time! Studies show that the more habits you try to change the least successful you are at actually making those changes.
The biggest thing that I am learning lately is that I need to stop caring so much what people say or think. I need to do what I need to do for myself. The same thing happened with my desire to homeschool. It all comes down to what’s best for me and what’s best for our family!
Robert completely agrees with me on all of this, and I’m so happy to have his support!