I’ve written about this sooooo many times, and I have made a final decision (after talking with Robert who is a very balanced person and he agrees with me this time). I am doing something “black and white” (I’ve been … Continue reading
This past week has been full of reflection. With the high profile suicides that are happening, my friend asked me if I was okay. She was concerned since I lost my brother to suicide and because of my own struggle … Continue reading
I feel like I have so, so much to share and I don’t even know where to start! Robert and I went to Big Bend State Park last weekend and it was so amazing and just what we needed for … Continue reading
Hey guys! I hope your weekend has started out well! I absolutely LOVE that I am no longer sleeping my weekend away! I woke up a little later than a week day but it was still early enough to enjoy … Continue reading
Yesterday I met my mom in Kerrville for her to pick the kids up and take them to her house. They are there till Monday. I spent a lot of the day today being lazy.
At about 3:45 I had had enough of that so I got up and got busy! I cut up veggies and baked some muffins. Robert came home about the time that I was going to cut a cantaloupe and honey dew. He ended up cutting it for me, then he pan-seared some salmon and chicken breast for me to have over salads this coming week. I bagged mixed nuts for snacks, made pumpkin steel cut oats in the instant pot, tore lettuce and put it in a big container to have salads, made homemade dressings (creamy buffalo and balsamic vinaigrette), and made quinoa.
I also have peeled boiled eggs (I buy them boiled and peeled from Walmart!) and Greek yogurt to grab for snacks or to go with meals!
I feel like I am set up for success! It feels so good.
All of this work only took a few hours! It helps that Robert pitched in!
On a similar note…
I started the Healthy Habits Happy Moms Balance 365 program several weeks ago. The idea is to pick one healthy habit at a time to focus on, and once you are consistent with it for a time, then you add another one. It’s slllloooowwww and hard sometimes. I have honestly struggled with even figuring out what to start with because I feel like I’m not at all where I want to be with my health. I am learning to love my body the way it is, but I know that I have a ways to go in the health department. But dieting isn’t the answer. It’s not healthy, it isn’t sustainable, and it actually leads to bingeing and weight gain. So I want to be okay with the slowness of this program.
Robert and I were talking earlier and I realized that he’s right… I need to focus 100% on being active again. So many reasons. I have high cholesterol and the meds that I was on cause high liver enzymes… since I am an alcoholic my doctor prefers for me to not take them unless I have to (even though I’m not drinking anymore!). Also. With my generalized anxiety disorder and the return of the weird physical symptoms, being outside hiking is REALLY good for that. It’s one of the best things for anxiety, actually. My counselor has told me that she wants me to walk 30 minutes a day and I haven’t been doing that. I find joy in being outside. I love hiking. I have just gotten out of the habit. I used to hike ALL THE TIME. Also, we are backpacking in a couple of months and I am NOT physically ready for that! It’s just the best habit to focus on right now!
My goal is 2-3 times a week by myself and once a week with the kids to do their nature study . I would like to do what my counselor told me to do (every day), but I’m going to start slow.
Overall I am doing SO well right now. I just still have this anxiety. And it’s weird that I’m having the breathing issue off and on. I know the anxiety is always going to be there, but my counselor tells me that I can get it more manageable if I get outside exercise. So that is what I will do!
Robert also reminded me that usually when I am active, everything else falls into place. I am more consistent with a lot of things in my life… time in the Word, eating healthier, I’m more active in the community, etc because I’m feeling good mentally!
This is kind of a hard post to write because it means me finding my voice and maybe going against something that I’ve been told over and over again. I’ve also learned to take the good from something and to be okay if I don’t agree with every part.
The body positive community is a tough one. On one hand, they helped me to learn to hate my body less, learn to eat more balanced (and stop dieting), learn to not feel guilty if I don’t eat perfectly, helped me to understand that fat phobia is a real thing and I’m in the process of overcoming that, helped me to see others in a different light, helped me to learn to eat when hungry and stop when full (intuitive eating), and much more! On the other hand, they are very feminist (which I have mixed feelings about), very anti-weight loss (which I have mixed feelings about because what if weight loss is the outcome of intuitive eating and joyful movement?), and I feel that they don’t seem to think that health is all that important.
I have been feeling guilty for wanting to eat healthy, for wanting to exercise (and have goals in this area), and for disagreeing with the community in any way, shape, or form.
Today I have been talking with the ladies in the Healthy Habits, Happy Moms group that I’m in, and they have helped me to feel empowered to do what I want for myself, my body, and my mental/physical/emotional health. Dieting doesn’t work. Habit change and intuitive eating does work. And if I don’t lose weight due to being healthy, that’s okay too. Healthy habits are my goal. I have decided that it’s okay if I want to start running again (despite being told that I shouldn’t). I want to become strong again. I want to be able to run a 5k again. I want to be able to hike long-distance again. I want to be able to feel good and not need a nap every day. I want to be able to backpack long-distance again. I want to continue to have a balanced view of food and feel okay with eating Cheetos, but also feel good about eating veggies. I don’t want to feel guilty for either. I want health to be my goal but to not feel guilty for wanting to lose weight in the back of my mind. I can’t help it and it doesn’t make me a bad person.
For my self care, I am going back to focusing on healthy habits. The two that I’m going to work on are: Doing Couch to 5k and reducing sugar in my coffee. I will continue eating balanced, taking vitamins/meds/supplements, and working on self love. The behaviors of exercise and balanced eating are what make me feel good, so that’s what I want. I also want to feel strong. When I was running before I felt so proud of myself and accomplished. I was able to handle so much physically. I ended up backpacking 23 miles in one day at one time (that wasn’t planned and I hurt for days afterwards, but I did it!). When we backpack, we typically hike 13-14 miles on average in a day. I want to be able to do that again! Right now, if I walk up a hill I feel terrible. I am so out of shape. I will probably also start doing strength training again eventually, but I’ll get there… don’t want to overwhelm myself. Three days of walking/running is sufficient for now! Self care is my goal, but if weight loss is the outcome, that doesn’t make me anti-body positive.
I want to also eventually try to increase my water intake and decrease my soda intake… but that’ll come. One habit at a time! Studies show that the more habits you try to change the least successful you are at actually making those changes.
The biggest thing that I am learning lately is that I need to stop caring so much what people say or think. I need to do what I need to do for myself. The same thing happened with my desire to homeschool. It all comes down to what’s best for me and what’s best for our family!
Robert completely agrees with me on all of this, and I’m so happy to have his support!
I woke up this morning (after only 4.5 hours of sleep) feeling a drive for taking charge of things. I have been working really hard (counseling, seeing my doctor once a month, taking my medication, working with a dietitian, etc), … Continue reading
I wrote this post in January of 2015: When you’ve lived your life the way other say you should for so long. I don’t want to re-write it here, so read it if you’re interested.
Unfortunately, I ended up falling back into my old ways of doing things recently. I think I was trying to make up for the fact that I could no longer homeschool. This was a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I didn’t think I was a good mom if I didn’t homeschool any more (the homeschooling groups that I was in definitely didn’t help this any).
I recently (late fall-December) thought that I needed to go back to using natural products, cleaners, detergents, hand soaps, toothpaste, makeup, and so on… I also went back to trying the essential oils that I had at one time decided didn’t work. I spent a lot of money on top-of-the-line vitamins and cod liver oil (I recently went with what is a little cheaper… and I will use the cheaper cod liver oil that I have instead of buying more fermented cod liver oil). I wanted to eat mostly organic/natural foods. I desperately wanted to start buying raw milk/local foods through a co-op and food through Azure Standard (mostly organic/natural foods) even though these would have made me go out of my way (driving to Kerrville/Boerne on a day that I wouldn’t normally go to town, let alone spending a fortune on these foods).
It’s so funny how easy it is to think that it’s something that’s required of me as a mama.
In November and December I bought all of this (and spent at least $200 even though I already had what I needed):
I bought this to make elderberry syrup (that has never worked for us… this was about $40 alone!).
I thought I needed to start using these again (and I just sold them all!).
These are the products that I actually prefer!
This keeps my face clear!
Cheap and smells good.
Cheap and smells good (also is great with my hair).
HEB brand, so it’s cheap.
I’m using this right now, and when we don’t have Bath and Body Works, we just use Soft Soap :-).
We love the All Mighty Pacs for several reasons. Easy for the kids to use, good price, and they smell good!
This is my favorite makeup (I’m slowly moving over to Mary Kay, though… I LOVE the mascara to the right).
These work the best out of all the dishwashing detergent that we have found!
I’ve also found a balance with food and fitness. Buying healthy and unhealthy food all in moderation and balance.
Here are some of the foods that I buy. I buy few natural or organic foods now (I am a stickler for Hormel natural lunch meat and Farmhouse cage free eggs, but most everything else isn’t organic). I buy what is the cheapest of that type of food (mostly). If I buy organic, it’s because it’s about the same price.
I now buy a mix of processed food (for ease of use) and whole foods (for nourishment).
I exercise to feel good now and not to lose weight. I hiked with a friend on Friday and it was fantastic! I plan to do this 3-4 times a week now for mental/emotional health. I’m also hoping that just exercising will help my cholesterol (I’ve read in a lot of places that it does!). Though, my cholesterol is high because of genetics (almost everyone in my family has high cholesterol) and a medication that I’m on (Latuda can cause this). So we’ll see.
I love the freedom that I’m finding and the money that I’m saving. Shedding the idea that natural is better, eating for nourishment and joy (not weight loss or organic/natural foods), and exercising for mental/emotional health!
I have been doing their Strength Circuit exercises and I really like them because they are short and effective.
I’ve been eating well. I eat homemade granola over homemade Greek yogurt for breakfast (and sometimes a green smoothie). I eat deli meat or cottage cheese, bag full of veggies (this week it’s broccoli, carrots, bell peppers, cucumbers, celery, and grape tomatoes) with hummus, Triscuits (10 in a snack baggie), boiled egg, and Tillamook cheddar (a little bit) for lunch. Dinner is something homemade. Tonight is homemade pasta sauce over whole wheat pasta and steamed broccoli with lemon pepper and sea salt. I eat unhealthy sometimes, but I feel that balance is important. Restricting isn’t good for long-term health.
I do have my coffee with half and half and Pyure and sugar (less than a tsp of each), and I drink Coke Zero, but these are just a few things that are self care for me because I enjoy them. I’m not willing to let go of them right now (maybe eventually).
So I wrote all of this in my HHHM group and I was immediately greeted with the fact that my sobriety needs to be first priority, not weight loss. Some people said that I have an obsession with weight and that’s not healthy. Some people said that the best thing to do is focus on just sticking with these habits for now and keep trucking.
I realized by reading these comments that I really do STILL have an obsession with my weight. I haven’t been necessarily JUST doing these healthy things for self care, but also for weight loss.
I had a friend take this picture, and all I can see is that I am the biggest I’ve ever been.
I don’t know how I got to this point. It’s frustrating.
This is a picture of me about 3 years ago… in the same shirt.
But the ladies in my HHHM group are so right. #1 Sobriety, #2 Self care as part of my sobriety, and #3 learn to love myself as is. That’s all right now.
One lady said that my family wants me more with a little bit of fluff and sober than skinny and drinking. She’s right!
I have decided that my obsession with weight is something I need to address with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Even at my thinnest I thought I was fat and wanted to lose weight! When I looked at pictures of myself I was disgusted. I still feel that way.
I want to learn to love myself as is, no matter my weight, but it’s so much easier said than done!
I think I’ll get there between this group and my counselor. One day at a time.
So right now I’m focusing on sobriety, self care, and loving myself. Anything else is just extra!
I have a group in which I ask every day what the beautiful ladies are doing to take care of themselves that day. If you’re interested in being in it, send me a message and I’ll be glad to see if you should be in it :-). The group is here: Home of the Croslands.
Since today is #movementmonday in my Healthy Habits, Healthy Moms group, I will be doing the HHHM Strength Circuits Workouts. It’s cold and rainy so I won’t be running (the roads are all dirt and rocks here at camp so it will be slippery!).
Hopefully I can do my Monday Couch to 5k workout tomorrow. I’m learning to be more flexible :-).
In addition to my workout:
1. Holiday blend coffee (with Pyure and half and half instead of sugar) and Bible study/prayer journal
2. Eat my healthy breakfast (homemade Greek yogurt and homemade granola with fruit)
3. Shower, dry hair, put on makeup
4. Take my medication and supplements
5. Enjoy classical Christmas music
6. Go to AA
7. Enjoying the Christmas lights (I want to keep a tree up year round!)
8. Blogging 🙂
9. Not cooking tonight!! Eating in the dining hall!! That means no dishes as well!
10. Keeping a clean house (as I shared yesterday)
11. Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help with my anxiety when it hits (which is rare these days)
12. Going to lunch with my hubby!
What are you doing for self care today?