Update On All the Things

I’m thankful for Facebook memories.  They remind me of how hard things were the past several years in the spring/summer.  They remind me of how great I’m doing right now.  They remind me that making the decision to put the kids in school (or keep them in school) was the best decision we could have ever made.  It has been amazing for all of us.

Even so, life isn’t perfect and there will be hard days/weeks.

Sleep

I have been so so fatigued again lately despite falling asleep pretty easily most days, and I feel like it has been getting worse.  I just had lab work done to check my thyroid and it’s normal now. I probably really should focus on movement.  I need to get out and hike more (again).  I feel so good when I do, but it’s so hard to convince myself to just get outside.  I honestly don’t know if I have the energy to make it happen at this point.  But I will try.  I have to remind myself that any movement is a good thing.  So a 10 minute walk to start is okay!  That could be enough to jump start something!

Anxiety

I’ve had a little more anxiety this week as well (though nothing like this time last year and the year before).  I’m trying to remember that there is absolutely nothing that I have to do in my day (well, except for picking the kids up from the bus and leading the 12 step meeting in Rocksprings).  I always want a spotless house, the laundry caught up, etc because it truly helps me mentally.  But I can also let it go for the day if I can’t focus on it for whatever reason.  It’s perfectly okay.

Dealing with kid issues is often what causes my anxiety.  Ethan has always been my hard kid.  In the past, he threw tantrums all day every day.  From a baby till not that long ago.  When he was homeschooled it was really bad.  He struggles badly with relationships and being the “mean kid.”  Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him.  He is in counseling, he takes medication for ADHD now (started about a week and a half ago, and hopefully it’ll eventually help his impulsiveness), and his teacher and I are working with him.  Unfortunately there are some who can’t see all the work he is doing and just focuses in on his flaws.  But I can’t do anything about that.  So we keep moving forward.  I do need to pray for him more.  That’s something big that will help.  My friend also shared a scripture with me that I can pray over him and share with him each day.

Psalm 19:14 (from the International Children’s Bible)

“I hope my words and thoughts please you.  Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.”

I printed it and will be putting it on the boys’ wall.  It would be a good thing for Levi to focus on as well :-).

Younique

This is my favorite part of my days lately.  It is so so so fun.  The women in the community are amazingly supportive and encouraging (who want to see each person succeed), making videos has become fun and less nerve-wracking, there are ALWAYS fun incentives and perks, I’ve made a little bit of money (and have the potential to make a lot over time), I love the makeup, I love the skin care, it’s so nice feeling pretty, I’m taking better care of myself, it gives me some purpose and something to look forward to, I enjoy sharing the makeup with friends and seeing their excitement for our products (and how they make them feel), and I could probably go on and on! I worked several hours today, and it was fun the whole time!

12 Step Meeting

The 12 step meeting is going really well even though we only have a few people going.  We have a new guy that is getting what he needs from the group.  There are a LOT of alcoholics and addicts in our little town and very few of them are in recovery.  Everyone joins each other in their addiction and do it all together.  I’m hoping that by being consistent and continuing to show up even if we only have a few people coming that we will be a soft place to land when enough is enough.

Unfortunately, everyone has grown up in their environment so they don’t know any different.  Anyone trying to get out of active addiction have a hard time because it’s everywhere.

Yesterday I was 18 months sober!!  It’s such an exciting thing!

Robert and the boys are camping and Karis was at a friend’s house until a little while ago.  I did a lot of work because the next two weeks I have 4 Younique parties!  They will be small, but it’ll be a good chance to learn.  My first one will start Monday!  I have lots of videos, photos and graphics, etc along with doing at least one live video each day.  I hope to do games and activities.

I’ll let you know how they go!

I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Thankful Thursday… God Has Given Me Rest

Good morning friends!  Today is starting out with a gorgeous sunrise.  I got to listen to the birds sing for a while as well.  I love being outside.  There’s just something about God’s creation that brings peace and solace.

God is good.  In the midst of the struggle, and in the midst of the rest and peace after the struggle.  Y’all, I have struggle consistently for years.  Like since Karis was born (and even before that, really).  Severe anxiety, panic, depression, losing my brother the way I did, relationship issues, etc.  I have had some good times, but they usually only lasted a few weeks at a time, and I’ve realized that many of those were times of hypomania.  I thought I was just feeling amazing (I know now that it was the feeling of euphoria that I get when I’m hypomanic).  And these times were always followed by depression.

I started a new med at the end of January (it’s actually a very old med and for some reason it’s not used very often… it’s also really cheap).  I’m on a very low dose (in addition to a lot of other meds).  I have been doing great ever since.  I mean, I have low days, but they don’t stay that way.  Usually it’s because I’m overly tired or dealing with circumstances that are difficult (usually involving one or more of my kids).  I have consistently had low anxiety, no lasting depression, have had motivation (but not overly motivated like when I’m hypomanic), and I’ve enjoyed myself more than I have in so long.  I have great relationships with people (I’m not assuming the worst as often).  I spend more time with friends and family.  My family has noticed a HUGE difference in me. They often recall what life was like when I was drinking all the time and when I was depressed all the time.  I slept a lot.  I was really short with them, yelling a lot.

Anyway… yesterday during Bible study we were studying Judges 3:7-11.  In verse 11, it said that the Israelites had rest for 40 years!  I was telling my friends how big that was for me and they said that they could see how that would stand out to me.  This is so big.

Othniel

7And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They forgot the Lordtheir God and served the Baals and the Asheroth. 8Therefore the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Cushan-rishathaim king of Mesopotamia. And the people of Israel served Cushan-rishathaim eight years. 9But when the people of Israel cried out to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer for the people of Israel, who saved them, Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother. 10The Spirit of the Lordwas upon him, and he judged Israel. He went out to war, and the Lord gave Cushan-rishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand. And his hand prevailed over Cushan-rishathaim. 11So the land had rest forty years. Then Othniel the son of Kenaz died.”
So today, my biggest thanks is to God for giving me rest.  I don’t know how long it will last or if it will continue to be consistent, but I will enjoy it today and praise God each day.
I’m also so thankful for the relationships with the amazing people in my life.  I’m especially thankful for my amazing husband and children.  I wouldn’t be where I am without them in my life.  Robert has stood by me and supported me through severe mental illness, dealing with the suicide of my brother, and through my alcoholism.  We still have a lot of growth ahead, but I’m thankful for the growth that has taken place so far.  And my kids have been amazing as we have processed all that has taken place in our family as well.  They have grown so, so much this year.  We’re still working through some things, but overall I’m so happy with the official decisions that we have made for them (especially for putting and keeping them in school).
I’m thankful for the friends that I have in my life.  I have lots of old friends and a few new friends.  I’m blessed with rich relationships.
Other than these things, I’m just thankful for the little things.  My plants, candles, Willow trees, the sunrise over the hills, my Happy Planner, coffee, Coke Zero :-), God’s word (not a little thing), Bible studies that point me to Him, my amazing office, decorating my house so that it feels warm and cozy, all of our needs provided (okay, also not little), my new business venture, my blog as my outlet, hobbies, and so much more.
I am truly one blessed child of God.

Happy Monday with God’s “Reckless Love”

Today is a good day.  I got up at 5:20 which is super early after not going to sleep till 11:30, but I am feeling pretty good despite that.

Ethan has been having tummy issues all weekend and again this morning, so he is home today.  We’re always so torn about him missing school because he already struggles, but he can’t help it.  It is what it is.  He’s currently on the couch watching Wonder (again).  I’m currently getting ready for the day ahead, including doing some work and planning in my Happy Planner (it makes me happy haha).

I plan to make a few videos and graphics today for my launch party on Wednesday evening for Younique (if you’re interested in joining, let me know!).  I will be sharing about myself, my “why,” tutorials for how to use the make up, etc.  It’s going to be fun!  I’m hoping friends will be really active and involved!

Anyway… I was spending some time in worship this morning and gosh, I was just reminded about God’s love for me, then I was reminded how much He loves you as well.  You should watch this video.

As many of you know, my friend and I started a 12 step meeting in our local town (Rocksprings).  Through this, I have realized just how many addicts and alcoholics there are in town.  The sad part is that there is such a divide among the people of Rocksprings.  Those who are addicts (and honestly, most are hispanic and there’s a divide there as well), and those to just want them gone.  And my heart is saying, “No! I don’t want them gone, I want them in recovery!”  God loves them just as much as He loves me and you.  This is really heavy on my heart because so many of them are caught up in the dealing and doing of drugs that they don’t see a way out.  It’s all they’ve known.

God’s love is limitless.  He doesn’t care what you’ve done because Jesus came and died for our sins and rose from the grave.  That’s the beautiful news.  The gospel.  All we have to do is confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and that He rose from the grave.  Ask for forgiveness.  Give our lives to Him.

He is good.

Have a great day today remembering that Jesus love you!

Happy Weekend!

I have been trying to blog all week and it just hasn’t happened.  This past week was Spring Break and man was it busy.  Monday and Tuesday weren’t too bad, but Wednesday through tomorrow have been/will be busy.  I have carved out a chunk of time this late morning to blog because that’s the only way to make it happen.

I woke up a bit late today and I’m so, so tired from the crazy week.  Then I did some cleaning, took a shower, worked on this post some, more cleaning, makeup and hair, etc.

She was really spoiled this year and it was necessary.  She has spent years thinking she wasn’t important because I have had to focus on myself because of my mental health issues or on her brothers because they are younger and needed more attention.  I have been trying to spend more time with her and love on her more.

So like I said, this past week has been pretty crazy.

Monday was devoted to focusing on starting my Younique business with an “unboxing” live Facebook video.  I also practiced putting on my new makeup.  I had so much fun.  Here is the look that I created Monday.

Tuesday was mostly just work and chores.  It was a good day over all.  The kids played with their friends most of the day so it was pretty quiet.

Wednesday was a pretty crazy day.  Ethan stayed here with a friend all day.  Karis, Levi, and I went to town.  We left at 9:30 and got home at about 6:45.  We got donuts and pigs in a blanket,Levi had a doc appointment (and he was officially diagnosed with ADHD), we went to Goodwill and Chickfila, counseling (for 2 hours), then Walmart (for a few groceries and Levi’s prescription).  Whew.  Town days are so long because not only do we have to get a lot of stuff done in one day, the drive there is an hour and 15 minutes, then the same home.  It was a good day, though, with my kiddos.  They behaved really well.  One less makes a huge difference!

Thursday was Karis’ birthday which included opening presents, eating food of her choice, her baking all day, cleaning, Bible study at my house (always so great!), then AA.  Another semi-busy day.

Karis made this on her birthday.  It took her like 6 hours.

These were the meals of her choice.

Friday was another day in town.  We left here at about 11:00 (not early).  We met my mom to hand over the boys, then Karis and I spent the whole day “playing” and shopping.  We walked around Fredericksburg for a couple of hours, ate at Chilis (where she was given a treat for her birthday), went to an arcade and spent about an hour there, walked around the mall (which is tiny… we went to Bath and Body Works, Claires, and a random store that reminds me of the 90s), then HEB to get her cake and other groceries.  Karis spent all but $3 of her birthday money!  Haha.  She’s my daughter for sure.  I’m also pretty much out of money after this week between the doc appointment, medicine, groceries, birthday stuff (cake, lunch, etc), gas, etc.  I’m back to living frugally again!

Tomorrow Karis and I are driving to Kerrville to meet my parents for lunch and pick up the boys.

Anyway… all that to say: I cannot wait for routine again.  I have done fine mentally/emotionally this week despite the craziness because I know it will end and routine will happen again Monday.  We all thrive better with some routine which means this summer I’m going to have to make sure we have routine.  Not just for our sanity, but also because I will want to work (Younique doesn’t feel like work, though!) a couple hours a day so I will need to figure out how to make it happen.  Also Ethan doesn’t function well without routine either so we’ll make it happen.  He struggles with his emotions and socially more when he doesn’t have routine.  That’s why he does best at school!

I will still need to get up at the same time each day (though not at 5:30 like we do now!).  Do the same chores each day (the kids and me).  Work certain hours each day if possible.  And the kids will have to be outside certain hours and can only be on electronics certain hours.  They will also have to read every day (and I will have to set aside that time or it won’t happen).  So I will work on this over the next couple of months (summer is coming so soon!).  I’m not always great at implementing these things or being consistent so I will just do my best.

Anyway… her friends just left her party and I would say that it was a success!  It was fairly loud and crazy but they had fun.  I also got to visit with some friends so that was nice.

Alright… going to make Karis some chicken alfredo, pasta, and broccoli!

How has your week and weekend been?

Take Courage, I Am Redeemed

Yesterday was really, really hard.  I had my disability hearing and it was brutal.  I had to focus in on what life is like on my really hard days as if that’s my whole life and I have nothing to offer the world.  The weight of my illnesses was very heavy.  It brought on a lot of anxiety, and I came home and had a panic attack.  It’s been a while since I’ve had one.  In my normal daily routine I’ve been okay lately.  Better than I’ve been in a long time.  But as soon as you get me focusing on all the hard and bad, I struggle very badly again.  It was miserable.

I wrote this in one of my favorite groups (I don’t know if I have words today):

“Hey friends. After doing really well for a while (end of January), I had my disability hearing today and had severe anxiety and a panic attack this evening. It was so hard to focus in on my bad days, weeks, and months. I don’t want a label, but I know I can’t work full time and we really need for me to get paid. Now I have to wait an average of another 2-4 months. I’m worn by the whole thing and am feeling defeated. Part of me just wants to move on as if none of this ever happened and part of me wants it to work out. I’m worried that I’ll give up on being a better me if I am labeled as disabled. I am feeling all the feels today. I talked with one of my best friends tonight and she reminded me why I deserve this and I really can’t work full time. I truly am disabled, we just need the court to recognize it. I hate the system and this process. My attorney had me focus in on my bad days as if they are my every days.”

A mama in the group wrote this:

“I hate hate hate disability hearings for this exact reason. I had to go through this with one of my good friends who has cerebral palsy. The woman who denied her disability said that it wasn’t present enough days in her life to affect her ability to work. You know, all those days she woke woke up without CP? Ridiculous.

Anyway the hearing was awful and left her feeling so defeated because we had to focus on on all the things she couldn’t do. But she’s SO capable!!!! We couldn’t talk about any of that though.

After the hearing I sat down with her and told her I hated that and reminded her of what her best days look like.

I don’t know you personally. But I’ve seen enough of you on here to know that on your best days you’re pretty amazing!!! Look at all of you’ve accomplished in your house lately. You are SO organized. When you post your meal planning and thing you’ve decorated I drool with envy!

You’ve started AA! I know your group is small but if you keep one person from drinking think of the ripples in that person’s life and how many lives you’re impacting!

I know you aren’t working, but I also have some idea of how much you do just living where you live. How many lives you touch around you and how interconnected it all is. You also support your husband as he works for the Lord. Think of the people the 2 of you are touching!
You’re amazing and none of what you had to focus on at this hearing even remotely defines you

I heard this song on the way home and I listened to it over and over again.  I have heard it many times (I have the album in my favorites), but I didn’t really pay attention to the meaning of it until yesterday.  It’s amazing.  Music is huge in my life. I love to worship God on my good days and hard days.  It’s how I get through.

“Come Alive (Dry Bones)”

Through the eyes of men it seems
There’s so much we have lost
As we look down the road
Where all the prodigals have walked
One by one
The enemy has whispered lies
And led them off as slavesBut we know that you are God
Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come
That we may not yet see
So with the faith you’ve given us
We’ll step into the valley unafraid, yeahAs we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones, come alive

God of endless mercy
God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter
Bring us back the wayward son
And By your spirit breathe upon them
Show the world that you alone can save
You alone can save

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

So breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe

Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God, now breathe

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive, yeah
We call out to dry bones, come alive

Oh come alive”

I’m thankful for friends and even just acquaintances that speak truth to me in Christ and remind me that I am more than my illnesses and my past.  I can use what I go through and what I’ve been through to glorify Him.

I know I have shared this video before, but the lyrics are really resonating with me today.

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul.  He’s in the waiting.  He’s in the waiting.  Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds.  He’s never failing.  He’s never failing.”

As I wait, I’ll know that He is in control and He has a plan.  It may not be for me to get disability.  Maybe His plan is for me to feel good enough to work 1-2 hours a day with Younique and make just enough to pay for everything that we need to pay for (I don’t need a ton more, mainly just need help with some medical costs).  Maybe he will teach me to be more frugal so that we have the money that we need.

Okay… I have more on my mind, but I can’t think straight because I haven’t slept much in several days.  I need to go back to bed for a little while.

Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.

Grati-Tuesday, March 6th

Grati-Tuesday

Friends!!  My goodness.  It is already Tuesday.  In MARCH.  February flew by and now one of my favorite months is here!  I absolutely love months when the season changes.  New season means new opportunities.  New growth.  New possibilities.  It’s wonderful.

And here in southwest Texas, it’s basically already spring.  The weather is warm.  The birds are singing.  The flowers are blooming.  There’s a stinking gnat flying around my succulent plant at my desk that I cannot seem to catch.  Haha.

I have been stable (for the most part) since the end of January, which is officially the longest I have been stable so far in years.  I’m still not sleeping great, but everything else seems to be good.  I have had a few “down days,” but I’m always better the next day or at least with-in a few days.  I’m told this is just normal emotions.  I wouldn’t know.

Still though, I’m taking it one day at a time.  I literally could tank tomorrow.  So I cannot assume things will continue as they are.  I am doing everything I can, though, to keep going!  Lots of self care!  Taking my meds.  Doing things that I enjoy.  Investing in things that are important to me.  Keeping up with the house and laundry.  Bible study, prayer, and worship.

I love my new business!

Since I’ve decided to be a Younique presenter, I have: worn makeup almost every day (though my makeup sucks), taken better care of myself (you know, shower daily, floss daily, worn moisturizer on my face daily, and fixed my hair most days), talked with and been in training with an amazing sponsor, felt a sense of purpose again for the first time in a long time (and that I can actually DO this), felt more confident and gotten out of my comfort zone (so much more of this coming!), feel excitement for something other than cleaning and organizing, and made some new great friends! I’m sure there’s more. I had no idea what I would be getting into by buying my presenter kit (that I haven’t even received yet). Cleaning, organizing, napping, and blogging sometimes isn’t something that takes up 10 hours of time each day. I’m so so so excited. I probably won’t stop saying that. I see a big future ahead for the first time in a long time.

Also, I have enjoyed being home lately! I have made my home just how I want it. It’s cozy and beautiful. My bedroom has changed a lot and my office is amazing. It’s perfect for working and blogging.

I know I share pictures a lot, but I’m just so proud of how it has turned out!

My flowers are blooming so beautifully and my succulents are beautiful as well. I have planted my herbs in my windowsill herb garden.

I’ve started a reading time with my kids (again) and it’s so precious to me.

I could probably go on and on. I just feel good about life, and I’m enjoying every moment (well most moments at least).

So so so grateful. Thank you Jesus!

I know this is being posted very early morning on Wednesday, but I forgot to finish the post yesterday and I’m awake now so I’m finishing it!

Life is good!

What are you grateful for?

Simple Living

Simple Living

Over the years, due to my mental illness, I have had to simplify my life so much.

I have tried working so many times and can’t; I’ve tried homeschooling (many times) and can’t.

These cause severe anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.  Also, with my bipolar 2, I never know if I’m going to be able to function from one moment to the next.  I haven’t been stable for more than a month at a time for years.

Because of this, I am working towards getting disability.  I have a hearing soon and I’m using a lawyer.

Simple Schedule and Routine

Recently, I decided to get rid of a lot of things and truly simplify.  I organized well in order to keep things easy to keep up with.  I take one day at a time.  I try not to over-plan because I know that that usually means anxiety.

The only things on my plate are:

  • Time with family (though the kids are gone from 6:30 till 4:30 every day, so that means I’m alone a lot)
  • Self care
  • Bible study (personal daily and women’s once a week) and Church (a few times a month)
  • AA (twice a week, at one hour each time)
  • Counseling (sometimes) and kids’ counseling (every other week)
  • Coffee with friends (when I can handle it)
  • Cleaning (I have a daily routine that I keep up with so things don’t get out of control)
  • Cook/make simple meals
  • A few small hobbies as I can handle it (mostly blogging and baking)

That’s it.

Our kids also have very simple lives.

  • Chores (daily they make their bed, fold and put away laundry, and clean up their rooms and living room if they leave things there)
  • School (of course, they are gone a long time every day for school)
  • Homework (very little… reading for 20-30 minutes and math and/or spelling)
  • Play (they spend a lot of time outside and with friends)
  • Play games and read
  • Counseling
  • Church
  • Electronics, limited

Karis does choir (one hour a week), and Ethan does some mountain biking (a few races a year).  No large amount of time doing sports or other extra curricular activities.  This isn’t for everyone, but it’s best for our family.

Simple Planning

I basically just sit down with my Happy Planner the night before or the morning of and plan my day.  It tends to be a lot of the same each day and I’m good with that.  Other than that, I go by my daily/weekly routine.

Simple Eating

We typically eat a lot of the same things consistently.  I try to mix it up sometimes, but pretty much every meal I do is simple.  I use my instant pot a lot, and I usually make meals that don’t take very long.

I have a weekly routine to do some food prep so that things are simple through the week.  I fill my veggie tray to pull out for lunches and sometimes for dinners.  I sometimes make homemade Greek yogurt, but this time around I just bought some.

I try to buy some things that are convenience to be easy to use/eat.  For example, I buy already cut broccoli and baby carrots.  I buy some granola bars and peanut butter crackers.  I LOVE buying pre-boiled and peeled boiled eggs (I hate boiling and peeling them).  The boys just grab a bag and eat a few for snacks. And I eat them at lunches often.  Sometimes I buy pre-made salads but they are much more expensive than buying leaf lettuce.  So sometimes I buy leaf lettuce, tear/cut it, and add some bagged spinach to it.  I have taken a break from salads for a while, though.

I meal plan each week so that we all know what we will be eating.  It helps keep the guess work out of it, and I am able to do any prep ahead of time (like thawing meat, etc).

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We also eat in the dining hall when we can because it’s free, and I don’t have to cook and clean up.  Sometimes I can’t handle being in a loud dining hall, but I’m getting to where I can these days.

The Little Things

I try really hard to enjoy the little things each day.  I have learned to be content with what we have and where we are in life.  I am at peace with where we live and know that this is life from now on (unless God has us move on, but I highly doubt it to be honest).  I light candles every day, and start out with a good cup of coffee.  I have been slowly decorating our home (on a tight budget) because I want to enjoy being here.  Having coffee with friends has helped me to grow closer to others here and it has given me a ministry (other than AA).  I enjoy getting up in the morning now and watching the sun rise.

I love hiking and am so glad that we have the hiking trails right outside our door.  We live on 1400 acres.  We try to take family hikes on weekends as we can.  It doesn’t always work out.  This is basically the only form of exercise that I like :-).

Our Home

I love our home.  It’s not very big (about 1300 sq ft), but it’s perfect for us.  The boys share a room, Karis has her own room (that is so fun and perfect for her), and our bedroom has a comfy love seat in it (that I got for $30 from a Thrift Store).  I have an amazing “bonus room” with my office area, a couple of shelves with books, a chair with side table and books, my guitar (that my brother gave me and I want to learn how to play), curtains (that were $20 for 4 panels), a fun rug ($30 on Amazon), and a bunch of art that I already had or got for $1 at Dollar Tree.  It’s my favorite room in the house.  I also have a succulent plant on the windowsill by my desk :-).

Our living room is so great.  The tree wall was here when we moved in.

I spent a lot of time working on the kids’ rooms recently and it’s so much easier to keep clean.

I love our kitchen and our food storage.  It makes me happy.  I spend a lot of time in there.

This is the view from our back windows/back porch.

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My office and bedroom are my sanctuary.  I just love them.

I just love life and feel at peace with where we are.  I am also excited about our future and what that looks like.

Grati-Tuesday, February 27th

Grati-Tuesday

Yesterday ended kind of rough so I wasn’t sure how today was going to go.  I had a lot of anxiety last night, and it was hard for me to get to sleep.  I woke up so tired, and I’m still very tired.  I had an 8:45 meeting, I read to the second graders at 10:00, a 10:30 meeting, I ate brunch, went to a few places just to pass the time, 12:00 AA, and now I’m in the library for a few hours while I wait for the kids to get out of school (Karis has choir after school).  I really could curl up on the couch here in the library and take a nap!  Probably wouldn’t be a good idea, though.

Anyway.

I constantly realize how great life is.  Even on the hard days and anxious nights.  Even when I’m really tired.

Just in the past few days, I have so much to be thankful for… in the big things and the little things.

Yesterday Robert and I got to have a lunch date (we ate amazing Chinese food).  He had to run some errands so we went to Lowe’s and Home Depot where I bought some succulents and a windowsill herb garden.  That’s not big, but it makes me happy.  We also picked up a love seat from a thrift store that is in amazing shape and only cost $30!

Last night we had my mentee over for dinner and it was so great to get to know her better.  We haven’t been super great at getting together so it was nice.

Today I had an amazing meeting with Levi’s teacher, and I got to talk through some things that have been bothering me.  I realized in that moment that a lot of it was just my anxiety telling me lies.  She told me a lot of positive things that I haven’t heard from her.  She told me all of the things that she does to work with him each day and how she teaches him coping skills (we’re working towards an ADHD diagnosis and maybe meds but we haven’t decided yet).

I read to the second graders in the library to celebrate Dr. Seuss’ birthday week.  I read one of my favorite books (The Little White Owl) and it was so fun!  I miss reading to a class.  Actually it was two classes.  And I’ve listened to lots more people read to different classes today.  So fun!  I just love our school.

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Random library selfie.

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I went to brunch at my favorite restaurant and had an amazing (large) pancake, fried eggs, and some bacon.  Sooooo good.

I went to Family Dollar and got a couple of things and then went to the thrift store (called the Attic).  I bought this fun painting for $2!  I’m trying to decide where to put it in my house!

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All of these things may seem little, but they are big to me.  I am trying really hard to enjoy all the things these days.

The next few days I will be having coffee with friends, then this coming weekend Robert is off!  I’m always so thankful for family time!

I feel like most posts are similar, but that’s my life.  Each day is new and simple and amazing all in one.  I’m still having to take things one day at a time because I don’t know how long this will last.  I’ll just enjoy the “good” while I have it, however long it lasts!

Happy Monday: Would You Give Jesus a Chance?

Happy Monday

I have been trying really hard to not sleep during the day.  When I do, I will take an hour long nap instead of a 4 hour nap in the morning and a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now, even when I don’t sleep well the night before, I try to wait till bed time to sleep.  This worked out so well last night.  I fell asleep at 9:45.  Of course I woke up at 4:10, but I kind of dozed back off till my alarm went off at 5:20.

I am starting to love early mornings.  I get that time with the kids, drink coffee, do my Bible study (currently doing a She Reads Truth Lent study), and spend some time praising Jesus through song.  I also get to see the sun rise over the hills.  We have a fantastic view from our house.

I love this song and have listened to it over and over this morning.

I also just LOVE this song.  It’s a great reminder that we are loved and He has a plan.  Have courage.  Sometimes we have to wait for something, but He will be glorified through His plan.  He wants good for us who love Him.

I’m a little behind in the She Reads Truth Lent study, but I’m okay with that.  It’s not about being perfect but about drawing near to Jesus and spending time with Him.  In turn, He teaches me about Him and His plan.  Today’s study was very relevant for me coming out of a season of darkness.  Check it out!  The Plagues Continue.

If you’re turned off by all things God/Jesus, I pray that you would give Him a chance. While I was in the darkness I was bitter and angry towards Him.  All of a sudden He gave me peace and joy.  He reminded me that He is in control and that despite the hard (that happens because of sin in the world), He truly does want good to come.  Sometimes we have to wait, but the good eventually comes “Miracles happen when you fix your eyes on Jesus.”  And honestly I wouldn’t appreciate the good without the hard.  He has taught me so much over the past several years.  I love others better.  I have less judgment.  I’m stronger, I have more courage, I am able to be vulnerable, I have grown so much, I am able to be there for others, and I just want to share Him with others.  My family is also stronger.  We have grown together.

Today I pray that you would give Him a chance.  He loves you no matter what you’ve done and what you’ve been through.  He loves you just as you are (I mean, I’m an alcoholic and He loves me).

Have a good Monday!

Scared to Hope

scared to hope

I’ve been feeling good for about a month now.  My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation.  I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure.  I just kept going with it.  But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med.  I hoped that’s what was making me feel good.  Again, I wasn’t sure.

A month later, and I’m still feeling good.  This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long.  Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed.  Just “feeling good” isn’t super common.  Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month.  I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.

Previous to this, I was pretty miserable.  I was pretty depressed.  I was sleeping all day, every day.  I wasn’t sleeping at night.  I was anxious.  My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself.  I just felt like that was my life from now on.

Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family.  Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time.  I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues.  Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day.  It’s hard to get out of that.  Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night.  If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.

The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much.  I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality.  I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that.  It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle.  Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.

I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven.  In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.