Happy Weekend!

Hey guys!  I hope your weekend has started out well! I absolutely LOVE that I am no longer sleeping my weekend away!  I woke up a little later than a week day but it was still early enough to enjoy … Continue reading

My Scattered, Tired, Worn Out Thoughts and Update

This week has been one with many ups and downs.  Robert has been working till like midnight/1:00 every night so I haven’t been going to sleep till right before then.  And we have been getting up just as early (about 5:30).

It has also been a very high anxiety week.

I barely remember Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday I had a crazy argument with someone in a homeschool used curriculum group and she ended up “reporting me” to the admin (for just trying to get her to give me a tracking number).  It turned out that she was in the wrong, but it caused me extreme anxiety.  A few other things happened that day that just made it worse.

Yesterday was another rough day because I keep listening to people about how I should do things and it has had me going back and forth about things multiple times a day.

Last night my good friend and neighbor suggested that maybe it’s time to stop listening to outside opinions and make a decision based on what Robert and I feel is best for our family.

It all started coming together.  I had the same conversation the day before with my dietitian.  We talked about why it’s difficult for me that I’ve gained weight, and it all comes down to me caring too much what other’s think about me (or what I think they think).

These important people in my life being straight with me is just what I needed. Today was better with anxiety; though, I was really tired all day.  I also had a headache all day.

Tonight I’m just tired of the brain that I have.  It’s so hard living with mental illness.

The big decision that has been weighing on me is this desire to homeschool all of my kids again but not being sure if that’s best for them or me.  A few people have had very strong opinions about this, and I even had one person block me on Facebook when I told her I needed to stop seeking outside opinions (and she was annoyed with me that I was so back and forth).  Luckily it was just an online friend, but I’m sad because we talked curriculum all the time.  Not many people want to talk curriculum with me.  It’s probably for the best, though.  It’s just one more area where I feel like I have failed and I’ve been rejected.

Today I’m leaning towards homeschooling the boys, but it has changed a lot so I still have a lot of praying to do!

Robert is on call tonight and I decided to stay up for him and listen for the radio so he can at least attempt some sleep.  He has only gotten like 4 hours of sleep a night and working 18 hour days.  I’m pretty exhausted myself, but I just sit most of the day so I can handle it.  Plus, I can sleep in tomorrow and he can’t.

I could use some prayers as I navigate things, make decisions, and learn how to not take in others’ opinions.  Also pray that I will ride this wave of anxiety and come out stronger tomorrow.

**Update**

I forgot to publish this last night!  I ended up going to sleep at about midnight, but I slept till 9:00!  I woke up feeling refreshed and my headache is dull today (still kind of there but much better).

Today we are being lazy because starting tomorrow through Wednesday we will be VERY busy.

I’m enjoying looking at what curriculum I would need to buy if we decided to homeschool the boys again.  I want to see how much it will cost us to see if it’s possible.  I’m going to try to do a lot of things myself.  Reading comprehension, fluency, etc will be done with ways that I taught reading in the past, free resources, and some things I have bought on Teachers Pay Teachers.

I’m excited about the possibility!  I just have to keep praying because we plan to keep them home from now on if we bring them home as to not keep changing things for them.  We need to have some stability because their lives have been kind of crazy.

As much as I plan to stay out of rehab, a relapse is always possible as an alcoholic.  Hospitalization for mental illness is also always a possibility.  I have to have a back up plan if any of that happens.  I have to make sure I can handle having more to do each day which will reduce my self care.  I have to have a back up plan for bad days.  My neighbor suggested a “bad day box” as a back up plan.  Just have activities that they can do without me.  I also plan to try to do as many independent things as I can.

I honestly think having purpose each day will help my depression.  It already has with homeschooling Karis.

The only reason I put the kids back in school was because of having to go to AA when I got out of rehab.  I didn’t want to put them in school at all.  They were not thrilled about going back to school.  I will say, though, that Ethan has been doing really well, and I have to take that into consideration.  His behavior has been better, his reading level went up a lot, and he does well with competition.  Levi will do fine either way.  They both want to be home.

I have time, and I won’t say on here till May what our decision is.  We won’t tell them till after they are out for the summer and I don’t want them to find out from someone else.  They know we are praying about it and have taken their desires into consideration.

Self Care Saturday: Happy Weekend!

Today has been so great!  I slept till about 7:30, which was nice.  I don’t like it when my body sleeps till 10 or so.  7:30 is just late enough to feel rested.

Then I spent time blogging about Karis and my new adventure.  We’re both so excited!  I have spent time looking through curriculum and will be working on lesson plans soon!

The kids all cleaned the house, which helps me so much!  All I have to do still with the house is laundry.

 

I’m just feeling so at peace right now.  I’ve been struggling with feeling lonely, feeling like I had no purpose, and just being depressed since I put the kids in school.  I know now that I needed that time for a little while, but now it’s time to start this new chapter.  And Karis has been struggling with severe anxiety, crying at school a lot, withdrawing from kids at school, and has been somewhat depressed. So it’s a win-win for both of us!  Plus, it’s really going to help our relationship.  She really needs me right now.

I’ve been talking with my counselor today and she feels this is going to be so good for both of us!  It’s nice to hear that from my own counselor, and she’s the second professional to tell me that now.

I have lots to do to get ready for the week!

I need to write lesson plans, organize my binder and Karis’ binder, and work on my Happy Planner!

Self Care Saturday and Planning for Summer!

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Typically I spend Saturdays preparing for the week ahead, but I’ve decided to spend today just taking care of myself and my family.

I slept till about 9:30 this morning.  It was wonderful.  Then I had breakfast and coffee.

I woke up feeling so much better today after a rough several days.  I was feeling almost suicidal yesterday I was feeling so bad.  It’s so easy to allow thoughts to get me depressed.  I need to work on that!

 

Robert and I got the kids up and moving to get their chores done (clean the house).  They dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned their rooms, folded and put away their laundry, did the dishes (unloaded and loaded dishwasher), and cleaned the living areas.  They got to earn some of the things from the treasure box that they’ve been wanting.

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There’s all sorts of fun stuff in this box.  Candy, Jeep cars (for Ethan), Star Wars hot wheels (for Levi), emojis, Shopkins (for Karis… she hasn’t outgrown these yet), and some other treats.  They get the big stuff after they get 15 stickers.  Candy is 5 stickers.  They’re learning to save up for what they really want.  Levi wasn’t willing to save up so he used his 5 stickers for candy.  I was going to be paying them money, but they prefer the treasure box!

We had an easy lunch, and now I’m just having coffee, listening to Bethel Music, next to my “peaceful waters” candle.

I have been chatting with a few friends.  I have been missing homeschooling SO much and I got a few ideas from friends about how to incorporate some things into our schedule to make learning fun for the kids and to kind of get some of my homeschooling fix.  We will have “Sunday Science Night.”  I will make a point to make sure we do our read alouds and devotional readings at night.  I just got a new devotional: Exploring Grace Together: 40 Devotionals for the Family.  

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Karis and I are starting a new mommy/daughter devotional: Between Us Girls: Walks and Talks for Moms and Daughters.

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I also have plans for summer.

I ordered Summer Bridge Activity books, Reading Journals, and we will do science labs from Apologia.  We will have a weekly library time and will play at the park in Rocksprings.

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This afternoon I’m making dinner for a sweet family here that had a baby recently.  Can’t wait to get some baby snuggles!  Whole roasted chicken and roasted veggies (with salad).  I like cooking for others.  I think the fam and I will have sausage and cabbage in the instant pot.

Tomorrow is church!

What are you doing for self care this weekend?

Self Care Saturday

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I usually do a lot of meal prep on Saturdays, but I don’t have much to do this week.  We still have plenty of veggies cut up, we’re dong half of our meals this week in the dining hall, meat is thawed for tomorrow night.  Also, our house is pretty clean so I don’t have much cleaning to do.  What’s left the kids will do when they get home on Monday.  So I decided to actually take this day as a self care day.

I slept till 9:00.  It was glorious (we usually get up at 5:45).

The kids are at my parents’ right now and Robert has been working on our cars (oil change, rotating tires, putting shocks on our Xterra).  So I’ve just been enjoying listening to music, drinking coffee, enjoying the spring scented candle, and blogging. I’ve also been chatting with a few friends, emailing back and forth with our new pastor about membership and baptism, and reading She Reads Truth.

It’s a gorgeous day outside.  The birds are singing.  It’s 81 degrees, and we have a wonderful view from our back porch.

At 3:00 we are going to friends’ house to start prepping for hot wings for dinner.  At 7:15 we are having a game night with neighbors.

Life is just so good.

What are you doing for self care today?