I had a hard time sleeping last night. I knew exactly what was wrong but wasn’t sure how to fix it in the moment… so I just laid there ruminating on it.
I made so many changes this past week that my anxiety flared up the past few days.
I put so much pressure on myself and it all came crashing down last night.
This morning I ended up going back to bed and we missed church.
That was my self care… recognizing what I needed in the moment and taking care of it.
Now to address what has been keeping me up…
Friday I met with my dietitian.
I had decided on Monday that I would go gluten and dairy free to see if it would help my anxiety and digestive issues. I also ordered a probiotic and fiber. I decided to do all of the things that Karis is doing… we would do it all together. By Wednesday I was already extremely anxious about food. I also could never find something to eat, which made it hard for me to eat enough (I already struggled with that and it just made it worse). When I met with my dietitian, she felt strongly that eliminating gluten and dairy right now probably wasn’t a good idea. She said we could address it again when she feels like I’m eating enough.
In the meantime, she told me to eat anything I want in order to get enough calories in me. I have been restricting for so many years that I’m struggling to eat enough. It’s ingrained in me to eat as little as possible. I’m pretty much always hungry but I had gotten used to that feeling so it’s normal for me. My metabolism is completely shot because of this. I’ve gained weight since I left rehab and she thinks it’s because my body is learning to re-nourish itself. When I was drinking I didn’t eat much… all of my calories came from alcohol and those are empty calories. My body doesn’t know what’s going on now that I’m not drinking. So by eating more, it will actually help my metabolism. I’m also hiking again which really helps. If I don’t lose weight that’s okay. I may even gain some more as I re-nourish my body. That’s okay, too. Anything I do from now on will be for health and nourishment (mental and emotional as well as physical), not for weight loss.
This morning I decided to cut back on our morning time because it was going to end up taking so much time every day (at least an hour). She needs to be mostly independent so that I’m not too stressed, which causes anxiety.
Instead of several different loops, we’re going to study Shakespeare and geography a little each day (keeping it short and sweet, maybe 10 minutes each), and just study/read one other thing instead of a several other loops.
So, for example, we will take the Picasso book and read it through the week so it’s only like 5-10 minutes each day. The next week I will pick something else that is fine arts or literature and read through it through the week. I guess it’s still a loop, but we won’t study several things every week. Just one.
I adjusted my post about this coming week to address the change.
It all comes down to recognizing that what I have planned and done is enough. I don’t need to make it extravagant and complicated… just keep it simple. She will enjoy the time that we have together more if we keep it simple.
I already see myself going back to my old self which over-complicates things, so I need to put a stop to it immediately instead of continuing.
One positive is that I am doing things cheap or free, so that’s good. In the past, I would have spent a fortune… but I’m happy that I closed all credit so I’m not able to spend much. I have to actually stick with the curriculum that I have chosen this time instead of constantly trying something new… because I can’t afford to change anything. I actually love everything that we’re doing and Karis seems to be doing well with it all!