I have been so busy that blogging has not been a priority, unfortunately. My Health I saw my GI last week and he gave me a new reflux med and has me taking it twice a day. I have noticed … Continue reading
The last time I wrote, I was in the midst of struggle. Physically I was struggling because of the cough and shortness of breath that I have been having. I finally broke down and went to the doctor on Wednesday. … Continue reading
I have so many things running through my mind and while I feel the struggle to get them out in an orderly way, I feel the need nonetheless. So, I’m going to try. Sunday was an amazing day. I slept … Continue reading
I had my three month appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. It’s always interesting to see her because somehow despite the fact that she sees a ton of patients and only sees me every three months, she remembers details about … Continue reading
I almost always have so much on my mind that I want to write about. A lot of times it’s jumbled because it doesn’t all fit together well. So, I’m going to attempt to write out what’s on my mind … Continue reading
As I sit here and listen to Bethel radio on Pandora, drink coffee, and reflect (while hanging out with my hubby), I’m so incredibly grateful for the life that we have. It has been a really hard journey for me, … Continue reading
Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading
Wow. This week has been transformative for my body, soul, and mind. I had no idea what I needed, and I had no idea that my body could lead me there.
Last Sunday I wrote about how I’ve been struggling, then I ended the post with things that I was thankful for. I felt a huge weight lift after that post.
My family went on to go to town, play at the park, and have lunch at an amazing restaurant. It was good for our family to spend a day together. It has been a long time. So, that was #1 of what I needed.
We didn’t end up cleaning out the kids’ rooms that day because we ran out of time, so I decided to do it during the week.
Not only did I completely clean their rooms out (they were BAD y’all), I also made myself a new, quiet, relaxing, peaceful space. The kids had a craft room that they didn’t use often and when they did, they left it a disaster! It was also SO bad. So, I turned it into my own room!
Our house just needed a lot of TLC. I have let it go a lot over the past few years… trying to keep up but letting a lot of things slide.
For most people it wouldn’t be a big deal. But for me it affects my mental health greatly. Instead of getting up and moving, I would sleep all day because I couldn’t handle it. I felt like it was impossible to do any cleaning because the back up mess was so bad (if that makes sense). Then I would feel so guilty because I knew I shouldn’t be sleeping all day but I couldn’t stop. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.
So, I made a point to purge, clean, and organize the whole house this past week.
Monday I cleaned out Karis’ room. It took like 10 hours at least. It was so bad. Trash was everywhere. I threw away 2 huge black trash bags and a kitchen bag away full of stuff. I also put 2 tubs of things away in the attic and gave a lot of stuff away. It is night and day different and she’s sleeping so much better. She said that it’s so nice to not be tripping over stuff. I also made her a checklist to help her keep up with it (she asked for one and I also made one for the boys).
Tuesday I worked on my new office/hobby space/reading/workout (eventually) room. I also worked on it a bit today (adding some things on the walls and bringing our chair in from the living room). I am IN LOVE with my new space. It is just what I’ve envisioned.
Wednesday I worked on the boys’ room. They had a black trash bag of trash and I put away a tub of stuffed animals, etc. I organized their little trinkets and things and they are just in love with their room.
Thursday I cleaned the house. Our bedroom, bathrooms, dusting, floors, etc.
Friday I had jury duty and I was selected to be on the Grand Jury! Luckily we only meet two more times because our county is sooooo small. Lol! When I got home I took a short nap, then I picked up the kids from the bus. That evening I worked on our written routines, rules, consequences, rewards, and kids’ checklists. The kids are thrilled for these. They need this structure.
Yesterday I worked on my office/work out/reading/hobby/etc room (I need a name for it). I washed sheets and towels. I did more cleaning.
Here’s a fresh update to our pantry foods:
So right now, my house is pretty spotless and organized.
The beautiful thing… I am starting to wake up early because I’m falling asleep by about 10:00! And I sleep ALL night. I don’t wake up at all.
Okay… now onto what I’ve been learning!
- My relationship with Christ has grown by leaps and bounds this week. I can’t explain it except that the Holy Spirit has drawn me in. It wasn’t anything I did. I have missed spending time with Him for a long time, and I have had a lot of bitterness and doubt. I have struggled with trust and faith. I have also allowed other peoples’ beliefs, bitterness, etc affect me. I have decided to unfollow some people.
- I am capable of so much more than I have been telling myself I’m capable of. So much can happen because of thoughts, in positive and negative ways. My counselor in Frisco reminded me of that every time we met. She had me do exercises at home that reinforced that.
I worked for 8-10 hours most of the week. My body was sore but my spirit was stronger for it.
- My house needs to be clean and organized for my mental health. Not so that people will tell me how amazing I am. I have learned that I just cannot function if my house is a disaster. I also cannot function with clutter, period. I am working, still, on decluttering. My counselor reminded me the other day that “environment matters,” and I am a believer in this!
- I need to sit at my desk to blog. It’s my “work space.” I cannot think to blog at the kitchen table anymore. I get so distracted by everything around me. Also my mind is more clear because my house is more organized. So crazy how physical clutter causes clutter in my mind.
- I need structure and routine, and so do my kids. They asked for the checklists. The boys’ behavior has improved dramatically.
- Ethan got in big trouble at school on Tuesday. I didn’t freak out about it. I decided in that moment that I need to be more firm with him. I have been wavering because I have worried about his mental health, but I have determined that wavering is not good for him. He needs to know what’s expected and that there are consequences when he doesn’t follow those expectations. He was grounded from all electronics and friends for a week and that truly affected him. He knows that next time it will be longer and we can always add more consequences. He is going to counseling today to work on his anger management. That’s his biggest issue.
…Life is hard, but God is good!
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Truth is, I have been struggling (still).
I don’t know if it’s my thyroid (I just started meds for it) or the hydroxyzine that my psychiatrist put me on, but I’m just sleeping all of the time. Also my friend suggested that maybe I am depressed and I think that’s true, as well, to an extent. And my cough has been there still, which is so annoying. My doctor told me that it’s just allergies and gave me a nose spray and Tessalon Pearles. I’ve also been taking Mucinex DM. It helps some, but when it wears off, my cough comes back in full force. There’s also a chance that it could be viral.
I have had no desire to clean, I’ve struggled to be fully present for Karis; Robert has been doing dishes, dinner, and laundry when he gets home from work.
I’ve also been struggling deeply with obsession about alcohol. I had been doing sooooooo well until this week. It hasn’t left me alone. I went to Rocksprings Tuesday by myself and went to the store for a few things. I kept walking by the wine and staring at it. Remembering the wine that I used to drink, feeling the relief that I felt at the beginning of drinking it (not thinking of how bad I felt at the end of the day), and finding a wine that isn’t in a bottle that I could easily buy a bunch of and hide. I was feeling desperate. Luckily I walked away and texted my sponsor when I got home. I talked with Robert and he reminded me that I’m okay. I will be okay. I just need to take good care of myself. I wrote about it on Facebook for accountability (I know, most people don’t share about that on FB but I do).
I’ve been doing a lot of AA meetings on In The Rooms. I want to do more in person but it’s so hard with where we live. Honestly the online meetings are just as good! And I can do multiple a day if I need to.
I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve read and heard that coming up on a year is really hard. I have a couple of friends that are struggling who I met in the treatment center.
An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. The possibility to drink is always there. All we can do is take it minute by minute and day by day. It has been pretty easy lately until this week so I’m hoping that it’ll get easy again.
I saw my doctor on Monday to discuss my blood work, symptoms, and my cough. She was so great… she was concerned, listened to me, and did a thorough exam. She came to the conclusion that my cough is most likely from allergies based on the fact that my lungs and heart sound great, and I have bad drainage. She gave me Tessalon Pearles and a nose spray to clear the drainage. So every day I take Mucinex DM, the Tessalon Pearles, the nose spray that she prescribed, and Flonase. I feel okay when I stay on top of all of this but when it wears off the cough comes back. And I have a slight cough even with all of that. The cough has lasted about 2 months so far and is wearing on me.
I told her about my symptoms and she said that with my TSH number and symptoms she is diagnosing me with hypothyroidism. She put me on Nature Throid which I was thankful for because I have had bad side effects from synthetic thyroid meds.
She also put me on cholesterol meds because I have been on it before and it worked with no side effects. It’s in my family so changing my diet and exercising did nothing in the past.
I’m on sooooo many meds and supplements.
Night meds and supplements
I have continued to end my day listening to Serenity Spa Music and lying next to my diffuser with essential oils. I take baths when needed. I meditate sometimes (though I don’t do this often enough).
I still feel so distant from God (I have talked about this in the past). I haven’t been leaning into Him like I want to. I miss Him. I do spend some time in worship and that’s helpful. We will be going back to church again in a few weeks, and I think that’ll help so much!
I have been asking Karis constantly if she would go back to school. I have been so worried that she will suffer because I am struggling. But she has begged me to stay home. I then considered the online public school, but I changed my mind after talking with people about it. It’s super difficult and intense. Plus she would still have to test, which is why she struggles so much in school as it is. So we have landed right where we were. She is pretty independent and helping her some actually helps me. It gives me some purpose and something positive to do. She has been doing well these past few weeks.
Anyway, this is a scattered update. I will hopefully come back with a more positive post next time, but this is life with mental illness (bipolar 2, depression, and severe anxiety), alcoholism, and now hypothyroidism (high cholesterol has no symptoms).
I have had yet another long few days thanks to anxiety. I will feel good for a few days and think that I’m “over the hump” for it to all come flooding back even worse than before. This over-breathing/hyperventilation syndrome … Continue reading