I made a decision yesterday and it came with a slew of thoughts, discouragement, encouragement, prayer, contentment, and peace. Making the decision to sub came with a lot of hesitancy. I thought of subbing to be up at the school … Continue reading
Yesterday something happened that was pretty stressful and brought me anxiety. In the past, I would have popped some Xanax and drank a bunch (sometimes at the same time… deadly combo). I realized last night that this isn’t even a … Continue reading
Through the issues with the school that I had a few weeks ago I realized that I’m just not meant to teach anymore. I thought I had already come to that conclusion multiple times over the past 4 years, but … Continue reading
TWO years, one day at a time! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far! It feels like I was in the treatment center a few months ago. I had such an amazing experience there and learned and grew so … Continue reading
I meant to write this yesterday but it didn’t happen. Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and it was a time of reflection for me. The majority of my life has been tainted by mental illness. Joey (my brother) struggled … Continue reading
Friends. If you don’t know my story, I will share it briefly here… I have a long history of anxiety. I didn’t know that that’s what I was suffering with until I went to a psychologist right out of high … Continue reading
Like I wrote on Saturday, I had a rough day. It was the first time in a while that I thought about drinking (I wouldn’t actually do it, but it was on my mind). In that moment I realized why … Continue reading
I have pulled out my computer and sat there staring at the screen (or getting distracted by Facebook) so many times in the past month or so. We have so much going on and I have so much that I could share, but the words just aren’t coming when I sit down to write. I’m not sure why. I do know that I have spent MUCH less time on my computer lately and that’s a good thing. I used to sit on my computer all day, every day. Now I don’t have time for that, nor do I want to. Part of the reason why I don’t write as much (or sit at my computer as much) is that I used to drink and drink and drink and all I could do while doing that is sit. Also I have been so busy. Mostly in a good way!
The moment that I decided to put Karis back into school, my anxiety went away and my depression lifted. We didn’t even take much time to pray through it once I thought of it because 1) I knew that Robert wanted our kids to be in school, 2) I realized that my mental health went back down hill when I pulled Karis out, 3) Karis went backwards in many ways being home and I knew it would be best to teach her how to persevere even when things are hard (and she needed to be around kids her age).
Since we’ve made that decision, lots of things have hit us… broken arm, asthma attack that landed Ethan in the ER, lots of doctor appointments, bloodwork, lots of medicine, Ethan got strep (and ended up missing 4 days of school), counseling appointment for Karis… And I have been in either Rocksprings or Kerrville pretty much every single day (with a day off here or there). I have also tried to go to AA twice a week but it hasn’t happened as much as I would like (I definitely go once at least).
But do you know what hasn’t changed through all of this craziness? My joy. I may be tired. I may be somewhat stressed. Karis has cried a lot (as we’ve been walking her through things). Levi has been in trouble a lot at school this year (and we’re working with his teacher and doctor to figure out how to handle this). But I haven’t regretted anything. I haven’t felt guilty. I haven’t tried to make something happen that wasn’t supposed to happen (which is how I ended up homeschooling off and on so much over the years). I haven’t made things to be my fault when they weren’t (like putting Karis in school or Levi getting in trouble). I’m just truly living each day. One day at a time. To its fullest. I’m more comfortable in my skin. I have spent a lot of one-on-one time with my kids. Karis and Ethan are doing choir. The house stays mostly clean (except this week because the kids are home, and that’s okay!). Robert and I work together. I focus a LOT on self care because that is what keeps me going. Life is just good. But I don’t take it for granted. With my history and my mental illnesses (and being an alcoholic), I truly have to take it one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. And I’m finally in a place in which I can do that.
So on this beautiful Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.
It has been literally years since I felt this kind of peace and joy for more than a few days, and especially through stress and difficulty.
My family and friends are amazing, I’m learning to love myself as God has made me to be (and I’m realizing what my true calling is), Jesus loves me and I love Him, we love Camp Eagle and are so blessed to be a part of this family, we have all of our needs met (even when we don’t know how things will work out, they always do), I’m thankful for AA and what it has done in my life (and continues to), I’m so thankful for the Healthy Habits Happy Moms community (and Balance 365 program) that has helped me see myself in a completely different light, and I’m thankful for all the little things that bring me joy each day… music, flowers, coffee, Christmas lights, candles, a hike, spending time with my friends and family, playing games, cleaning, coloring, drawing… the list could go on and on. I am who I am today because of who God is, my family and friends, and through the difficult of the past several years.
I used to blog every day and now every time I sit at my computer to blog the words don’t come. I have so much on my mind, and I just don’t know how to get it out these days. … Continue reading
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Truth is, I have been struggling (still).
I don’t know if it’s my thyroid (I just started meds for it) or the hydroxyzine that my psychiatrist put me on, but I’m just sleeping all of the time. Also my friend suggested that maybe I am depressed and I think that’s true, as well, to an extent. And my cough has been there still, which is so annoying. My doctor told me that it’s just allergies and gave me a nose spray and Tessalon Pearles. I’ve also been taking Mucinex DM. It helps some, but when it wears off, my cough comes back in full force. There’s also a chance that it could be viral.
I have had no desire to clean, I’ve struggled to be fully present for Karis; Robert has been doing dishes, dinner, and laundry when he gets home from work.
I’ve also been struggling deeply with obsession about alcohol. I had been doing sooooooo well until this week. It hasn’t left me alone. I went to Rocksprings Tuesday by myself and went to the store for a few things. I kept walking by the wine and staring at it. Remembering the wine that I used to drink, feeling the relief that I felt at the beginning of drinking it (not thinking of how bad I felt at the end of the day), and finding a wine that isn’t in a bottle that I could easily buy a bunch of and hide. I was feeling desperate. Luckily I walked away and texted my sponsor when I got home. I talked with Robert and he reminded me that I’m okay. I will be okay. I just need to take good care of myself. I wrote about it on Facebook for accountability (I know, most people don’t share about that on FB but I do).
I’ve been doing a lot of AA meetings on In The Rooms. I want to do more in person but it’s so hard with where we live. Honestly the online meetings are just as good! And I can do multiple a day if I need to.
I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve read and heard that coming up on a year is really hard. I have a couple of friends that are struggling who I met in the treatment center.
An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. The possibility to drink is always there. All we can do is take it minute by minute and day by day. It has been pretty easy lately until this week so I’m hoping that it’ll get easy again.
I saw my doctor on Monday to discuss my blood work, symptoms, and my cough. She was so great… she was concerned, listened to me, and did a thorough exam. She came to the conclusion that my cough is most likely from allergies based on the fact that my lungs and heart sound great, and I have bad drainage. She gave me Tessalon Pearles and a nose spray to clear the drainage. So every day I take Mucinex DM, the Tessalon Pearles, the nose spray that she prescribed, and Flonase. I feel okay when I stay on top of all of this but when it wears off the cough comes back. And I have a slight cough even with all of that. The cough has lasted about 2 months so far and is wearing on me.
I told her about my symptoms and she said that with my TSH number and symptoms she is diagnosing me with hypothyroidism. She put me on Nature Throid which I was thankful for because I have had bad side effects from synthetic thyroid meds.
She also put me on cholesterol meds because I have been on it before and it worked with no side effects. It’s in my family so changing my diet and exercising did nothing in the past.
I’m on sooooo many meds and supplements.
Night meds and supplements
I have continued to end my day listening to Serenity Spa Music and lying next to my diffuser with essential oils. I take baths when needed. I meditate sometimes (though I don’t do this often enough).
I still feel so distant from God (I have talked about this in the past). I haven’t been leaning into Him like I want to. I miss Him. I do spend some time in worship and that’s helpful. We will be going back to church again in a few weeks, and I think that’ll help so much!
I have been asking Karis constantly if she would go back to school. I have been so worried that she will suffer because I am struggling. But she has begged me to stay home. I then considered the online public school, but I changed my mind after talking with people about it. It’s super difficult and intense. Plus she would still have to test, which is why she struggles so much in school as it is. So we have landed right where we were. She is pretty independent and helping her some actually helps me. It gives me some purpose and something positive to do. She has been doing well these past few weeks.
Anyway, this is a scattered update. I will hopefully come back with a more positive post next time, but this is life with mental illness (bipolar 2, depression, and severe anxiety), alcoholism, and now hypothyroidism (high cholesterol has no symptoms).