Take Courage, I Am Redeemed

Yesterday was really, really hard.  I had my disability hearing and it was brutal.  I had to focus in on what life is like on my really hard days as if that’s my whole life and I have nothing to offer the world.  The weight of my illnesses was very heavy.  It brought on a lot of anxiety, and I came home and had a panic attack.  It’s been a while since I’ve had one.  In my normal daily routine I’ve been okay lately.  Better than I’ve been in a long time.  But as soon as you get me focusing on all the hard and bad, I struggle very badly again.  It was miserable.

I wrote this in one of my favorite groups (I don’t know if I have words today):

“Hey friends. After doing really well for a while (end of January), I had my disability hearing today and had severe anxiety and a panic attack this evening. It was so hard to focus in on my bad days, weeks, and months. I don’t want a label, but I know I can’t work full time and we really need for me to get paid. Now I have to wait an average of another 2-4 months. I’m worn by the whole thing and am feeling defeated. Part of me just wants to move on as if none of this ever happened and part of me wants it to work out. I’m worried that I’ll give up on being a better me if I am labeled as disabled. I am feeling all the feels today. I talked with one of my best friends tonight and she reminded me why I deserve this and I really can’t work full time. I truly am disabled, we just need the court to recognize it. I hate the system and this process. My attorney had me focus in on my bad days as if they are my every days.”

A mama in the group wrote this:

“I hate hate hate disability hearings for this exact reason. I had to go through this with one of my good friends who has cerebral palsy. The woman who denied her disability said that it wasn’t present enough days in her life to affect her ability to work. You know, all those days she woke woke up without CP? Ridiculous.

Anyway the hearing was awful and left her feeling so defeated because we had to focus on on all the things she couldn’t do. But she’s SO capable!!!! We couldn’t talk about any of that though.

After the hearing I sat down with her and told her I hated that and reminded her of what her best days look like.

I don’t know you personally. But I’ve seen enough of you on here to know that on your best days you’re pretty amazing!!! Look at all of you’ve accomplished in your house lately. You are SO organized. When you post your meal planning and thing you’ve decorated I drool with envy!

You’ve started AA! I know your group is small but if you keep one person from drinking think of the ripples in that person’s life and how many lives you’re impacting!

I know you aren’t working, but I also have some idea of how much you do just living where you live. How many lives you touch around you and how interconnected it all is. You also support your husband as he works for the Lord. Think of the people the 2 of you are touching!
You’re amazing and none of what you had to focus on at this hearing even remotely defines you

I heard this song on the way home and I listened to it over and over again.  I have heard it many times (I have the album in my favorites), but I didn’t really pay attention to the meaning of it until yesterday.  It’s amazing.  Music is huge in my life. I love to worship God on my good days and hard days.  It’s how I get through.

“Come Alive (Dry Bones)”

Through the eyes of men it seems
There’s so much we have lost
As we look down the road
Where all the prodigals have walked
One by one
The enemy has whispered lies
And led them off as slavesBut we know that you are God
Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come
That we may not yet see
So with the faith you’ve given us
We’ll step into the valley unafraid, yeahAs we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones, come alive

God of endless mercy
God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter
Bring us back the wayward son
And By your spirit breathe upon them
Show the world that you alone can save
You alone can save

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

So breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe

Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God, now breathe

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive, yeah
We call out to dry bones, come alive

Oh come alive”

I’m thankful for friends and even just acquaintances that speak truth to me in Christ and remind me that I am more than my illnesses and my past.  I can use what I go through and what I’ve been through to glorify Him.

I know I have shared this video before, but the lyrics are really resonating with me today.

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul.  He’s in the waiting.  He’s in the waiting.  Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds.  He’s never failing.  He’s never failing.”

As I wait, I’ll know that He is in control and He has a plan.  It may not be for me to get disability.  Maybe His plan is for me to feel good enough to work 1-2 hours a day with Younique and make just enough to pay for everything that we need to pay for (I don’t need a ton more, mainly just need help with some medical costs).  Maybe he will teach me to be more frugal so that we have the money that we need.

Okay… I have more on my mind, but I can’t think straight because I haven’t slept much in several days.  I need to go back to bed for a little while.

Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.

Scared to Hope

scared to hope

I’ve been feeling good for about a month now.  My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation.  I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure.  I just kept going with it.  But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med.  I hoped that’s what was making me feel good.  Again, I wasn’t sure.

A month later, and I’m still feeling good.  This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long.  Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed.  Just “feeling good” isn’t super common.  Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month.  I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.

Previous to this, I was pretty miserable.  I was pretty depressed.  I was sleeping all day, every day.  I wasn’t sleeping at night.  I was anxious.  My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself.  I just felt like that was my life from now on.

Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family.  Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time.  I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues.  Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day.  It’s hard to get out of that.  Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night.  If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.

The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much.  I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality.  I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that.  It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle.  Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.

I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven.  In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.

Pursuing What Sets My Soul on Fire (Jesus)

Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading

Grati-Tuesday and Update About Meds

Today has been a very long day.  We all got up before the sun in order to get out the door to meet my mom at my grandma’s house.  They had to watch my kids so I could drive to San Antonio to see my psychiatrist.  I had so much anxiety over my appointment, and that didn’t help my exhaustion this morning.

I drove the hour and 40 minutes to my grandma’s house, spent a little time chatting with her, then got back in the car to drive another 25 minutes to San Antonio.

I got to my appointment early, and surprisingly, they got me back pretty quickly.  My doctor knew that I was coming in because the pharmaceutical company had denied my application for patient assistance (for my Latuda), and I can’t afford my medication anymore at $850 with insurance.

She was so sweet and encouraging.  She told me that there are always options, so never feel hopeless around medication changes.

We decided that I will go back on the Geodon to replace the Latuda.  They are in the same class and Geodon is $60 a month with my insurance vs $850.  I’ve taken it before and I had rapid ups and downs… but… I wasn’t on Lamictal yet and I was drinking heavily.  So I have no idea how it will work now.

Another thing we talked about is my recent bad depression.  She was pretty concerned about that and feels that we need to address that.  She decided to put me on a low dose of Lithium.  I have been scared of it for a long time because I know my brother took it… and he ended up committing suicide.  So anything he took, I’m leery.  But I know he is different than me.  I need to give it a chance.

I was overall very pleased with my appointment and just her care and concern for my well being.  I’m thankful that I had to change doctors!

After my appointment, I drove back to my Grandma’s house and had lunch.  My mom made a homemade lasagna, garlic toast, and salad.  We also had corn.  It was all so great!  I’m so thankful my mom cooked so we didn’t have to spend money on lunch.

Then we drove to Kerrville to get prescriptions.  2 hours later (long story), we left for home.  I did about 4 1/2 hours of driving today.  I’m worn out!

Now… Grati-Tuesday.

I’m grateful that we celebrated this girl with my mom and grandma today.  Her birthday is tomorrow.  She turns 11!

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather today!  The temp was perfect and the sun was shining.

My Grandma gave us all of this food from her pantry!  She was happy to give some away because she was out of space.

I’m grateful for these 7 medications (6 for mental health and 1 for cholesterol).  Without them I would probably not be here.  Even though I am sometimes depressed and anxious, it’s not near what it used to be.  I hate depression, though.  I remembered recently just how hard depression is to live with.  I’m so glad to be working with a doctor that is fighting this with me.  And most importantly, family and friends that are fighting this with me.

I’m also so grateful for my dietitian.  She is helping me so much in my intuitive eating and body love journey.  I have a llllooonnnggg way to go, but I’m on my way.  One day at a time!

I’m grateful that I have been too busy to even think about alcohol.  Having my kids home actually helps this.

Now to have dinner!  Robert is making ravioli with olive oil and parmesan and shrimp and pasta with homemade alfredo sauce!  Yummmmm.

Talk to you soon!

Self Pity and Pressing Into Jesus


I have so much to talk about (my counseling appointment, my meetings with my dietitian, etc), but I am just sitting in self pity right now.

I wrote this on FB last night:

I am so mad that I have the illnesses that I do. Without my medication (and even sometimes with medication) it is life threatening. Without my doctor, I couldn’t get my medication. Without the therapy that I have done and continue to do, I wouldn’t be able to work through stuff to get through each day. And along those same lines, addiction is an illness as well that is also life threatening. All of this is in my brain and I can’t do anything about it. These illnesses keep me from being able to work and have a normal life. These illnesses keep me from being able to homeschool like I would love to do.
I just have to continue to trust that God has a plan for it all and He will be glorified. Cause tonight I’m just mad.


The fact that it’s so hard to take the meds that work because of not being able to afford them is the most difficult part of it all.

Add in the trauma that I’ve been through and am working through, and I have a lot to deal with.

I was talking with a friend and she told me to find something that I would enjoy and try to use it to snap myself out of this self pity, but I just have no desire for anything right now.  I may force myself out to hike, we’ll see.
All I can do is press into Jesus.  He will use this for His glory, and He will be glorified through it.

I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know
I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

When the storm rages
I won’t be afraid
I have locked eyes
On You face to face
Your voice I will follow
Your eyes I will see
I’ll come a little closer
Come close to me

My First EMDR Treatment

img_9020(This is the sunrise over the hills that I see every morning. Beautiful!)

This has been a really rough week.  I did EMDR on Monday and it has affected me since (I’m assuming that’s what it is based on what people have said about it).  This is going to be a very tough process.

Tuesday and Wednesday I felt terrible.  I felt a huge weight on me.  I was anxious and feeling depressed.  I couldn’t get enough sleep.  I slept several hours each morning (after I got the kids off to school) and just felt like I had been hit by a truck.

Finally Wednesday I texted my counselor.  Sure enough, she said that I must have triggered something when we did EMDR on Monday and we will need to tackle that next Monday.  Also, I found out that being exhausted is just part of the process (which I had been told, but I guess I didn’t believe it until I experienced it).  Also, my feelings will be raw afterwards because we’re digging deep and bringing that stuff out.  Eventually things won’t phase me over time.

So the first thing she did was get to know my history from the beginning.  We did that our first appointment.

Then, we spent some time just talking, for me to feel comfortable with her, and for her to see more into my heart and mind.  We did this for the second appointment.

Then, we worked on creating a “safe space” in my mind for me to go to when I’m anxious.  For me this is the mountains.  Also, I can hear the Serenity Spa music in the background in my mind for my safe space (I listened to this a lot when I got out of the hospital the first time).

Finally, we started the EMDR process.

She uses these vibrating hand held devices.  They take turns vibrating.  The point of this (from what I understand) is to activate both parts of the brain (the logical side and the emotional side).  It goes back and forth, back and forth.

She had me close my eyes and focus in on one specific incident.  For me, this was an event in which I was physically abused by classmates when I was little.

She would have me focus in on it, then we would take a break.  Focus in on it in a different way, then I would take a break.  I could hear the sounds of the events, feel how it felt physically, and with-in my body.  Eventually she led me to how it made me feel emotionally and how it affects me now.

According to EMDR.com, these involve the client identifying three things:
1.  The vivid visual image related to the memory
2.  A negative belief about self
3.  Related emotions and body sensations.

We only addressed one specific incident, and we have many more to address.  I have more situations in which I was physically abused by classmates, a few other things that I don’t feel like sharing, then we will eventually address my brother’s death (gruesome suicide that I feel out of touch with).

I’m also learning a lot about how feelings aren’t facts, they are fleeting, and to use my “safe space” in my mind when I’m struggling with anxiety.  This is what my counselor talked me through when I was struggling on Wednesday.

One other tidbit of information from my counselor is that she thinks I have been struggling with bipolar since I was little (and anxiety).  Some of my behaviors are indicative of bipolar in a child.  So I thought that was interesting.  With bipolar 2, it’s often difficult to tell if it’s an illness or just behavioral issues.

This process will take time, but I see it really benefitting me in the long run.  A lot of my anxiety and depression are there because of these events and how they made/make me feel.  A lot of things have been going on with me since I was little, and a lot was triggered after Joey died.  So I know it affects me.  I’ve been stuffing a lot for many years.

I’m so glad I’m not working or homeschooling right now.  I really do need this time to focus 100% on my healing and self care.

The Hard Stuff

Yesterday in my Facebook memories, I came across a picture of Karis doing school and me lesson planning.

It automatically brought me back to when it was just her and I.  It was beautiful, and I miss it so much (she does too).  This brought me back to the thought that maybe I could just homeschool Karis next year (junior high and beyond).

This was really heavy on my heart.

So I decided to hike by myself in order to have some prayer time (I always think best and am the least distracted when I’m outside).





I don’t know how many miles I hiked or even how long I was out.  I just know that I had a heart-to-heart with God on that path.  I shared my heart to want to homeschool.  I shared how frustrated I am that I haven’t been able to because of my brain.  The brain that I wish wasn’t mine so much of the time.  The brain that I can manage (some times) but it won’t heal (I guess God could heal it, but I don’t see that happening).  The brain that carries mental illness in many forms (bipolar 2, severe anxiety, and alcoholism).  The brain that has to have a lot of medication and therapy.  The brain that makes it next to impossible to work.  The brain that needs constant work every. single. day.  Self care, unfortunately, is my whole day, every. single, day.  I say unfortunately because I absolutely hate that I have to put myself first every day.  This was not taught in church in the pews of my southern Baptist church.

Not only do I have this brain, I have the fact that my brother committed a gruesome suicide and I have yet to heal from this.

I also have abuse and bullying (physical and mental/emotional) to heal from.

I have to focus on sobriety every. single. day. (well, every minute of every day)

As you can see, I have a lot of work to do.

Because of this, Robert and I made the decision (again) to keep the kids in school.  This is so hard for me because I desperately miss homeschooling.  My kids have all made it clear that they miss homeschooling.  But it’s just not God’s plan at this time.

Luckily, their school and teachers have been amazing.  Despite the fact that it has been difficult, they have been growing so much.  It’s really best for them despite what we want.

I have talked about this before, but I will eventually be doing EMDR therapy to deal with abuse, bullying, and Joey’s death.  I start with my new counselor on Wednesday.  She already seems amazing, and I’ve only met with her for about 30 minutes so far.  My counselor’s first goal is to help me learn to love myself because without this, I can’t move forward.  This may take a while.

Between hating my brain and going up yet another size, I have a hard time with loving myself.

I’m so thankful for family and friends that love me the way I am, despite my lack of love for myself.  And a Savior that loves me more than anyone on earth could love me.  He will continue walking beside me as I do the hard stuff.

Remembering What’s Important


Today as I was looking at my memories on Facebook of years past on the same day, I came across a blog that I wrote a year ago today (It’s Been a While).  It was exactly what I needed to read.

You don’t really have to read it because the important stuff will be quoted here.

A few reminders:

I am unable to work.  I have tried and tried.  I thought an at home, part time, computer job would be the dream job because it’s more simple than teaching, but it proved to be just as difficult for me as my previous jobs.  I have never been able to keep a job because of my mental illnesses, and I just don’t see that changing.  I have been denied for disability twice and am now working with a lawyer to try to get it.  It’s hard because I’m okay when I’m not working, but my anxiety and depression are terrible as soon as I start working!  It’s hard to explain that to social security!

I truly do have a sick brain.  My bipolar has been under control, but I’m still working on managing my anxiety.  I go to counseling once a week for cognitive behavioral therapy (for anxiety), take lots of medications (6 for my mental health alone, plus supplements and 2 other meds), practice lots of self care, daily prayer and Bible study, and go to AA (including meetings 3-4 times a week, step work, meeting with my sponsor once a week, and daily gratefuls) for my addiction to alcohol.  These are the only way I’m managing right now.  Without these, I would be really struggling.  It takes a lot of work!

I am back to the food freedom, body positivity, anti-diet life.  I wish I had stuck with that last year instead of ditching it and dieting again (for 3 months!).  For some reason summer is a huge trigger for me to diet.  I don’t understand why.  I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again this year.  I am now in several groups that focus on these things, so hopefully I’ll stick with it! I wrote this in last year’s post: “I am learning to finally accept my body the way it is.  I am finally DONE with diets and hard exercise programs.  I am learning to eat to nourish myself (and sometimes that involves a doughnut), move for enjoyment, and I am okay with the fact that I may never be the size I once was.  I have kind of become anti-diet industry now and am un-following everyone that focuses on that (especially the pyramid scheme marketing companies that sell stuff for “weight loss”) because I don’t need that un-healthy view of bodies staring me in the face.  It has brought me so much freedom.”

I’m back to this 100%.  Exactly the same thoughts and feelings, unfollowing people, the freedom it brings, etc.


My family has been and continues to be my support.  Without them I don’t know where I’d be.  Between being passively suicidal many times, dealing with alcoholism, and my severe anxiety, it’s been a very hard thing for us all to deal with.  I mean, my kids had to live with my parents for almost a month.  They were completely out of their normal routine, not doing much school, and missing me and home (not my parents’ fault at all, just not normal life for them).  Robert has stood by my side in sickness and health.  He supports me at my worst and at my best.  He loves me for who I am, not who I wish I could be.

One of the biggest things that I have been struggling with is feeling like my blogging doesn’t make a difference.  I do blog for myself mostly, but I want to know that I’m not just blogging for myself.  Yesterday I was reminded that I am speaking to people (I received a private message from an old acquaintance).  Even if it’s just a few, it’s worth it.  I want this blog to be full of authenticity.  I will always be open and real.  I may share things that I’m good at, and that’s okay too!  I’m learning to be confident in the gifting that I have.  I pray that it is all used for God’s glory and not my gain.

Last year I wrote: “This blog will never be what is viral out there, and I’m okay with that. If my blog never grows, then I’ll just know it is for the people who need it, when they need it. I trust God with it all. Numbers don’t matter to me. It’s authenticity and depth that I’m looking for. So, my hope is that you will always find that here. I may not always post about mental illness, but that is typically what I post about. Hope you’ll stick around!”

And now I post about alcoholism because I’ve finally come to terms with that (AA step 1!).

In the midst of it all, God is good and sovereign.  He has a plan, and He will be glorified through it all.  I am me, and I am made the way I am for a reason and a purpose.  I am thankful for the freedom that I have in Him to be that person that He created me to be.

If it’s Not One Thing it’s Another

I’ve been kind of down lately…

I thought I had found “the answer” to my insomnia.  And in some ways I did.  I sleep great!  I wake up some, but I’m always able to go back to sleep.  The only problem is… I’m so tired in the morning that I have a really hard time getting out of bed.  This medicine knocks me flat!  I’m going to have to start setting an early alarm just to get out of bed at a decent time (after hitting snooze a bunch of course).  I hate that!  I thought with homeschooling and summer I wouldn’t need an alarm.  My fear is that I will just turn it off and roll back over.  So with this, I’ve been down.

I also haven’t had much desire to keep my house clean and be in a routine.  I believe it’s because of feeling knocked out by my meds.  Sleep is such a huge part of mental health and I feel like if it’s not one thing it’s another.

On a positive note…

My doctor wrote a really convincing letter for disability about my mental health condition.  He has made it very clear that I cannot work, and I have struggled to work since I was 21 (true!).  My official diagnoses are bipolar 2, generalized anxiety disorder, and chronic insomnia.  I knew that I had bipolar 2 and anxiety, but I didn’t realize what my actual diagnoses were.  It helped me to feel justified in applying for disability and that I really have actual illnesses that are debilitating.


We have taken part of May and all of June off so far from homeschooling.  I’ve tried to implement a “read for 20 minutes” time every day and it has not gone well.  Ethan fights it with everything he has, every single day.  And the complaint I get from him is that the books are all too hard.  I’m at a loss.  So because of this, I decided to start school back up in July.  We need to get him reading and he needs reading instruction.    I’ve just decided to start over on level 2 and do the lessons again.  I think that will be sufficient.  Plus, we didn’t finish our curriculum so we can maybe get caught up if we start early.  We will only do reading, math, and some writing.  It’ll just be about 45 minutes-an hour of school each day.  I’ll also read aloud to them each day.  We started Boxcar Children book 1 and didn’t get that far into it!  Looking forward to reading them more books in that series.

At the moment I’m learning to just take things one day at a time.  I’m hoping that things start working themselves out and I am sleeping well without feeling worn, Ethan starts doing better with reading, and I get disability.  In the mean time, I try to enjoy being with my family.  Every single day is precious.

Re-learning Normal Emotions


This week has been full of ups and downs.  Mostly ups, but some bad days and good days; some good moments, and bad moments.  I had a lot of time to reflect on what that means in regards to my illness.

Looking back…

I have had some GREAT moments in my life (hindsight, these times were most likely hypomania that I didn’t know I was having).  During these times I felt on top of the world… I felt like I would never have a bad day again.  I could bake 10 homemade goodies, make all of my personal care products and cleaning products homemade, keep a spotless house, keep up with laundry, play with the kids, exercise, eat perfectly, plan and prep meals for the week, etc… all in one day.  I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing as a “good mom and wife.”  I thought I was amazing.  Little did I know, I was living out my illness.  This is what hypomania looks like in my life.

This was usually followed by a low period (depression).  Those low periods were terrible.  Unfortunately I didn’t know what was going on so I thought I was a horrible wife, mom, friend, etc.  Sadly I had people on Facebook tell me I was being negative and even had a good friend de-friend me on Facebook because of it (because that helps)… I digress… I couldn’t get out of bed, off the couch, sat staring at my computer for hours and hours, etc.  My house was trashed all the time.  Laundry would pile up into loads and loads of laundry that needed to be done.  My kids were sitting in front of the tv so that I could stay on the couch, on my bed, whatever.  I often felt like I wanted to run away and had suicidal ideations (never thought I would go through with anything… just thought that maybe the world would be better off without me).

At this point in my life…

I am considered to be in “remission” from my illness.  I’m not having the high moments (hypomania), and I’m not feeling depressed.  I still have some anxiety (mainly in the evenings), but it has gotten much better.  I was scared to drive for a little while for fear I would get in a wreck, I was scared to let my kids out of my sight, and I would wake up in a panic thinking someone was going to die.  All of this recently until the doctor put me back on a medication for anxiety (he had taken me off of it thinking it wasn’t working, but obviously it was).

So the other day I had what most would call a “bad day.”  I immediately started thinking, what if I’m going back into depression? What if this isn’t the right dose and medication. I was worried about a bunch of stuff.  Then, this amazing thing happened.  I dealt with an issue that was bugging me.  And all of a sudden I started feeling better.  The rest of my day was better.  Not amazing, but not depressing.  I realized something in that moment.  Moments of stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, and fear are normal.  It’s just when they last and last that they become a problem.  I’m learning that simple problem solving can rid me of these emotions, and I can move on with my day.  On the flip side, moments of joy, peace, happiness, being carefree are normal.  Ups and downs are normal.  It’s the extremes for long periods of time that aren’t.

I have lived in a state of extremes my whole life so I didn’t know what was normal.  I’m having to re-learn a lot as I’m in “remission” thanks to the right dose of the right medication.  I’m also trying to learn what is anxiety caused by my illness, and what is just normal, regular old anxiety (my doctor reminds me that some anxiety, sometimes is normal).

So here I am, living this life that God has given me.  Sometimes feeling joyful, at peace, happy; and sometimes feeling angry, frustrated, or irritable.  Ultimately, I’m loving life and this new found peace that I am feeling.  I’m still praying that it will continue.  My fear sometimes is that the medication will stop working, or that something will happen to cause me to go back into my cycle.  So, I’m taking it one day at a time.  That’s all anyone can do, right?