These past few months have been transformational. I have grown in so many ways. The biggest thing that I’ve learned is that what I believe about myself will be true. If I believe that I can’t handle anything, that I am … Continue reading
Yesterday, I relaxed all morning (drinking coffee of course), then I worked in the house all afternoon. The kids and I cleaned the whole house, I did some laundry, and I organized my office. I also made an amazing vision … Continue reading
Good morning friends! Today is starting out with a gorgeous sunrise. I got to listen to the birds sing for a while as well. I love being outside. There’s just something about God’s creation that brings peace and solace.
God is good. In the midst of the struggle, and in the midst of the rest and peace after the struggle. Y’all, I have struggle consistently for years. Like since Karis was born (and even before that, really). Severe anxiety, panic, depression, losing my brother the way I did, relationship issues, etc. I have had some good times, but they usually only lasted a few weeks at a time, and I’ve realized that many of those were times of hypomania. I thought I was just feeling amazing (I know now that it was the feeling of euphoria that I get when I’m hypomanic). And these times were always followed by depression.
I started a new med at the end of January (it’s actually a very old med and for some reason it’s not used very often… it’s also really cheap). I’m on a very low dose (in addition to a lot of other meds). I have been doing great ever since. I mean, I have low days, but they don’t stay that way. Usually it’s because I’m overly tired or dealing with circumstances that are difficult (usually involving one or more of my kids). I have consistently had low anxiety, no lasting depression, have had motivation (but not overly motivated like when I’m hypomanic), and I’ve enjoyed myself more than I have in so long. I have great relationships with people (I’m not assuming the worst as often). I spend more time with friends and family. My family has noticed a HUGE difference in me. They often recall what life was like when I was drinking all the time and when I was depressed all the time. I slept a lot. I was really short with them, yelling a lot.
Anyway… yesterday during Bible study we were studying Judges 3:7-11. In verse 11, it said that the Israelites had rest for 40 years! I was telling my friends how big that was for me and they said that they could see how that would stand out to me. This is so big.
I’ve been feeling good for about a month now. My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation. I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure. I just kept going with it. But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med. I hoped that’s what was making me feel good. Again, I wasn’t sure.
A month later, and I’m still feeling good. This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long. Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed. Just “feeling good” isn’t super common. Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month. I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.
Previous to this, I was pretty miserable. I was pretty depressed. I was sleeping all day, every day. I wasn’t sleeping at night. I was anxious. My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry. I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself. I just felt like that was my life from now on.
Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family. Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time. I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues. Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day. It’s hard to get out of that. Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night. If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.
The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much. I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality. I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that. It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle. Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.
I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven. In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.
We received our income tax refund on Thursday, and it has been a fun few days as we have been able to buy some things that we’ve needed (and little bit that we wanted), put money in savings, paid off … Continue reading
As I sit here and listen to Bethel radio on Pandora, drink coffee, and reflect (while hanging out with my hubby), I’m so incredibly grateful for the life that we have. It has been a really hard journey for me, … Continue reading
Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading
This past week was lllooonnnggg. I had bad anxiety and I could barely see past it. I was pretty selfish through it and have had to repair a few things. I’m grateful for the grace of people in my life … Continue reading
Like I’ve mentioned… I have been struggling with anxiety and depression lately. I’m not sure if I’m in a bipolar low or if something triggered it, but it’s been rough. Even last night it was really bad. I went to bed really early because I couldn’t function (actually, I slept on the couch because I just couldn’t get comfortable on my bed).
But… this morning… this morning I woke up feeling good. And that’s all I can ask for. One moment at a time! Even as I type this I am sitting on my back porch, listening to the birds singing, with a beautiful view of the hills. It’s foggy and sunny at the same time. So pretty! The temperature is perfect. I’m in short sleeves. It’s in the 60s, but warm with the sun on me.
The smell of the dew makes me happy… all of these things bring back good memories of last spring when I started homeschooling the boys. While I had a lot of anxiety about homeschooling them, I have good memories as well! I’m thankful for the time I had, and I might eventually be able to homeschool them again one day. We’ll just see what happens!
I’m thankful for Jesus’ unconditional love.
I’m thankful for bedtime reading and silly pictures with my kids. I’m thankful for the time I have with each kiddo in their bed at night (cuddling, talking, praying). I don’t do it every night, but enough. It’s my favorite time of day.
I’m thankful for the time I have to take good care of myself. This is what keeps me afloat most days.
I’m grateful for 145 days sober! I’m so close to 5 months! I can hardly believe it. It has gone fast. While I still have days in which I want alcohol, it’s usually fleeting. I hope one day I won’t even want it anymore! One day at a time!
I’m thankful for AA and learning so much through the Big Book. I’ll be writing about what I’m learning in a new post coming up!
I’m grateful for my LuLaRoe leggings that help me to be comfortable. I’m thankful that I’m learning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, despite a 35 pound weight gain these past few years (10-12 of those just in a few months). This is also a one day at a time thing, though. Even last night I was struggling with body image. But most days I’m feeling better about my body.
What are you grateful for on this Grati-Tuesday?
I woke up at 5:15 this morning feeling such peace. This is a new thing (the past few months). I love getting up early, making my bed, getting dressed, tidying the house, making coffee, lighting a candle, then waking the … Continue reading