After a summer of struggle (with the kids being home… I kind of hate to admit that but not really, ha!), I am settling back into my healthy habits. I kind of needed a “reset” after floundering over the summer, … Continue reading
I used to think that was dumb. I mean, I am ENOUGH where I am. Jesus loves me, my family loves me, and I don’t HAVE to change to prove that I am worthy. I know all of these things. … Continue reading
Friends. If you don’t know my story, I will share it briefly here… I have a long history of anxiety. I didn’t know that that’s what I was suffering with until I went to a psychologist right out of high … Continue reading
These past few days have been rough. Really hard. I have had severe anxiety and felt myself getting depressed yesterday. I decided to put a stop to it and today I’m so much better. Let me back up… Monday I woke … Continue reading
This week was everything that I needed that I didn’t realize I needed. I made some closer connections to friends here at camp and that was the most important part for me. My heart is full. Another important part was … Continue reading
Last weekend I decided that I needed to treat sodas like I do alcohol because I sure drink them the same, and I decided to quit completely. I have been putting this off for many reasons: I didn’t want to … Continue reading
Yesterday, I relaxed all morning (drinking coffee of course), then I worked in the house all afternoon. The kids and I cleaned the whole house, I did some laundry, and I organized my office. I also made an amazing vision … Continue reading
I’ve had to make some decisions for my health. Since I stopped dieting, I kind of went the other direction. I immediately gained weight (20-25 pounds), then lost a little as things evened out (about 10 pounds). Unfortunately, though, my … Continue reading
I’ve been feeling good for about a month now. My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation. I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure. I just kept going with it. But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med. I hoped that’s what was making me feel good. Again, I wasn’t sure.
A month later, and I’m still feeling good. This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long. Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed. Just “feeling good” isn’t super common. Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month. I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.
Previous to this, I was pretty miserable. I was pretty depressed. I was sleeping all day, every day. I wasn’t sleeping at night. I was anxious. My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry. I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself. I just felt like that was my life from now on.
Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family. Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time. I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues. Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day. It’s hard to get out of that. Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night. If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.
The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much. I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality. I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that. It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle. Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.
I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven. In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.
I thought I would give a little bit of an update on things.
I am night and day better from where I was this time last week.
I have settled into the idea that I will only be homeschooling Karis, and I’ve learned to be good with that. She does better at home, she is mostly independent, and she is fun to work with. There is no stress or anxiety involved in it. I’m looking forward to digging into things with her. And we have a good relationship and she’s now a pre-teener so this is good for us. I plan to really dive into stuff with her and learn along side her. And on the days that I don’t feel up to it, she is capable of doing everything on her own!
I hope to do Poetry Teatime every Friday with the girls at the camp. It will be so fun.
The boys are so excited about going back to school, and honestly they do really well in school. I’ve talked with their teachers from this past year (one emailed me and one I emailed first), and they are so happy that they will be back. They were so encouraging and positive. The boys will learn and grow at school. We will have a regular routine/schedule every day which will be good for my anxiety and good for my Ethan’s anxiety as well. He needs that routine.
I plan to still do some nature studies with all of the kids. We will try to take a few “field trips” but not as many as when I would have had them home.
And I am happy to be able to focus on getting healthier mentally and physically. As you know, I have mental illness, and I also went to rehab last fall for alcoholism (which is a mental illness as well). I need to be able to focus on keeping myself healthy and sober. In addition, I’m trying to get back to health physically (using the Balance 365 program) because I haven’t been doing too well there, either. So I guess this is just a season of health for me. Maybe once I’m healthier, I can bring my boys back home (if that’s God’s plan). It’ll probably be a while if that does happen. In the meantime I’m happy about playing with the kids until the boys’ school starts on August 23rd. We were going to start school next week. And I’m looking forward to doing some back-to-school shopping and all of that.
Family camp this week has been pretty great so far. We have 2 more full days, then we leave on Saturday. I haven’t felt good the whole time, though, because of my cough and constant nausea. I’m also really tired all the time. So I’ve just been resting as much as I can. We have done 1-2 activities per day and played in the game room a lot. We have had great meals, fun themed nights, and I’ve enjoyed time with friends. We have been gone from home for a full week already, which is hard for me because I’m a homebody and an introvert. I’m making it, though, and am trying to just enjoy the time that I have with my family all together! It is a blessing to have this opportunity.
Here are some pictures of our week so far:
I actually did the Cross Bows!
The kids love the foam pit, but not as much as last year.
Family devotionals and outdoor worship
RC Cars were fun!
Patriotic night ended up being indoors.
Drift Ball ended in some minor injuries.
Tonight is Luau night.
The next two days are packed full of fun activities. Paint war, lake front, date night, hiking, more RC cars, kickball game, dessert, and a dance.