What a week it has been. I’m sorry if this post is all over the place. I have sat down to write it so so many times and have been up and down and all around. Haha. This week … Continue reading
Last Thursday night was so fun. I was invited to and went to a night where we learned about goal setting and creating vision for our life. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect but it was pretty great. I … Continue reading
It’s early morning of December 27th and I am so thankful that God woke me up early today. I have spent the past several days resting. As an introvert, being around people all the time (especially a large amount) takes … Continue reading
Whew. Yesterday was long and exhausting. The day before (Wednesday), I was on my feet for 8 hours baking. Then yesterday I was on my feet for most of the day. When I went to bed last night my body … Continue reading
Goodness. My journey has been a long one. A really hard one. An amazing one. One full of love from my creator and my family. God has made it clear to me that He has a plan for my life … Continue reading
These past few days have been rough. Really hard. I have had severe anxiety and felt myself getting depressed yesterday. I decided to put a stop to it and today I’m so much better. Let me back up… Monday I woke … Continue reading
These past many years have been a very wild ride. A definite roller coaster. And I have seen God working through every part of it. Even when I fought and fought. Even when I wanted to give up. Even when I was incredibly impatient. Even when I just flat out didn’t understand. God had a plan the whole time. Looking back, I can see his plan unfold over the past several years (and I mean several… like 10 or more).
Life is hard, y’all. If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that. It takes a lot of leaning on Jesus and allowing Him to carry you through it, or we wouldn’t make it. I have had a lot of things happen in my life and I could wallow in it and say “why me?” But instead, I chalk it up to the fact that God has a plan to use everything for His glory and name. He also wants what’s best for us at all times, and sometimes we have to go through the yucky times to get there.
We end up stronger in the end. Scratch that. We end up realizing we have strength in Christ.
Just over six years ago, my brother committed suicide in a very gruesome manner. At the time I was 7 months pregnant with Levi (my third child in a little under 4 years). I had Levi then went through terrible, terrible postpartum depression. I wanted to run away. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was put on some medication and it helped me get through it, but I wouldn’t say life was any easier. I was grieving. I had three kids 4 and under. Robert worked every single day.
We moved to Dallas 6 months later and lived with my in-laws. I knew if I didn’t start working, we would never be able to leave my in-laws. So, I got a job. The next year and a half were brutal and I was still struggling with depression and severe anxiety (and panic attacks). I was still processing my brother’s horrible death. I quit working because I couldn’t manage anymore. My dream was to homeschool, so I tried to do that with Karis and it was pretty much a flat fail. We moved to Frisco a little later and life was pretty good for a few years (the only working I did was part time at a preschool, which was pretty awesome!). Then, I tried working full time again. Bad idea.
Just over two years ago I went into the hospital because I was “passively suicidal.” Truth is, I just couldn’t live this life anymore. I had nothing left in me to give. I would go to work, do an okay job (all while feeling incredibly anxious and on the verge of a panic attack), come home, and go to bed. Robert took care of everything. He did an amazing job. Not only did he do the basics, he went above and beyond like keeping up with laundry, keeping the house clean, etc.
Going into the hospital was the best thing I could have done for myself. I was able to process the feelings of grief about my brother’s death that I was pushing back because I couldn’t handle it. I met other people like me. I felt for the first time like I wasn’t alone. I made friends that I still talk to today. I was able to just rest. Do crafts. Exercise. Do yoga. Eat really well. I almost didn’t want to leave. It was a breath of fresh air.
Going to the hospital led my doctor to a new diagnosis for me: Bipolar 2.
The next two years have been pretty wild. I worked off and on, always having to quit because of my illness. I couldn’t handle a job. It was too much for my mental health. It led me back to the hospital in November of 2014. I realized then that working is just not possible for me.
Last year around this time, Robert received an email from the Operations Director (now Site Director) of Camp Eagle. We were excited but obviously didn’t get our hopes up because it had taken months (from the time he applied) to even receive an email. Soon after, Robert had a phone interview, then soon after that, we found ourselves at Camp Eagle for an in person interview, tour of the camp, and a chance to hang out with and meet the staff. It was amazing. But, we still didn’t get our hopes up because even though we had this visit. I’m not sure how many weeks went by (it was excruciating while we waited), but Robert eventually received the offer for the Maintenance Director position. It was official. We were moving back to camp.
This past year has been so amazing in so many ways! I would not want to be anywhere else. But I can’t say the whole year has been perfect. This summer I made the realization that my medication wasn’t really working all that well. I had a major hypomanic period, followed by a major depressive period. Back to not being able to get out of bed. Back to sleeping all the time. Back to passive suicidal thoughts. My life is so perfect, why am I so depressed?
We decided to put the kids in school again instead of homeschooling because I didn’t think I could handle it because of my depression.
It wasn’t until I saw a new doctor in October (November? Somewhere in there) that I felt like I could do this. He took so much time to get to know me. He went back to the beginning. Through my conversation with him, he came to the conclusion that I do in fact have Bipolar 2 and we need to get it under control. He made it clear that it is possible to get it under control. His confidence gave me a huge relief. He weaned me off of two meds and started me on a new one in which I had to slowly increase the dose.
Around this same time, Karis was really struggling in school. Long story short, we ended up deciding to pull her out of school and homeschool her.
This school year (since I pulled her out) has been amazing. Homeschooling her has given me a reason to get up every morning. We have grown together in our relationship. It has been fun for me to use some of my teaching skills that I haven’t been able to use in a while. It hasn’t been easy (lots of trial and error with curriculum, etc), but it has been just what we both needed.
I was still having some hypomania episodes followed by depression (though not NEAR as severe), so my doctor increased my medication one last time and this is it. This is the right medication and the right dose. I feel completely and 100% normal. I have good days, and I have bad days… just like everyone else. But I’m not hypomanic and I’m not depressed. I’m also not near as anxious as I used to be.
Between feeling really well, the fact that the boys’ school is 35 minutes away, and the fact that at camp homeschooling just makes more sense, we decided that next year we will homeschool all of our children. I am so excited that I already ordered all of their curriculum (after hours and hours of research… and thanks to our tax refund).
I share all of this because I have realized a few things. God had a plan from the time I was in college (well, obviously even before that, but this is where I see things start). I got my teaching degree, and I love to teach. It just happens to be in a different way than I envisioned. I have wanted to homeschool since we were at our last camp, and I’m finally able to do this. He led me to an amazing doctor who has not given up until he found the right medication and the right dose to help me not have symptoms of hypomania and depression. My anxiety is the lowest it has ever been. I have the desire and will to keep up with my house (which has always been a point of anxiety for me), keep up with laundry (which I’ve never been able to do before), homeschool, cook dinner (which sometimes means mac n cheese, dining hall, or something really nice and I’m okay with all of that), bake once in a while (but not obsessively), be content with my body (still getting there, but much more content than ever before), exercise for enjoyment, spend time in the word (not out of guilt, but pure desire), enjoy time with our wonderful community (which, being an introvert, this is huge), reach out and serve others, and just enjoy life. The ups and downs. The good and bad days. This life that He has allowed me to have.
We went to San Antonio Saturday and while it was somewhat stressful (San Antonio River Walk on a Saturday was a bad idea), I feel like these pictures show the pure joy that I feel. I feel like I can breathe. Laugh. Enjoy life.
I can’t express how thankful I am. I tell God every day. I wonder if he’ll ever get tired of hearing it? Probably not. He delights in praises and gratefulness.
Where are you in your journey? If you’re in the middle of the fire right now, know that God will use this for His glory and your good. He loves you. He knows what’s best. Just hold onto Him.
Like I wrote in my last post, my doctor told me he wouldn’t give up until I no longer have symptoms of Bipolar II. I am so thankful for a doctor that has faith that this is attainable. Until he said that last Monday, I thought I would always live with the symptoms to some degree.
As the new dose and new med are getting into my system, I’m beginning to feel more stable and balanced than ever before. This new stability is helping me see something that I’ve never seen/understood before.
I have struggled with balance in every area of my life for as long as I can remember. Food, exercise, alcohol, weight obsession, and even cleaning and laundry. I’ve had an all or nothing attitude about everything.
I ate perfect (obsessing), or I ate terrible. I exercised 2-3 hours a day (doing exercise that I hated) or not at all. I have been obsessed with my weight since I was a kid. I focused on it completely or gave up. I had too much alcohol too often, or I didn’t have any. I had a spotless house, or I had a house that was trashed.
As I’m becoming more stable I’m realizing that it is possible to have balance in these areas, and I’m finally coming to that balance that I’ve always desired.
Recently, I’ve started exercising 4-5 days a week. Karis and I hike for an hour each afternoon. I love hiking most of all, and even though it’s not strength training, I’m okay with that. I eat healthy much of the time, but I don’t fret over a piece of cake or sugar in my coffee. I eat when I’m hungry. I try not to eat out of emotion. I eat more intuitively than ever before. I eat and exercise for health rather than weight loss. I learned that some of my issue with weight is out of my control because of medication, and I’m learning to accept that. It’s really cool that my Fitbit shows my resting heart rate over time, and it has slowly been decreasing, which is huge! I have beer (or wine) a few times a week, and when I do, it’s just a few. I don’t drink to cope anymore, which was a huge issue when I was in the thick of things. My doctor told me it’s really common for people with high anxiety to drink to cope because it takes it away for a time. But the downfall of that is that it can lead to addiction, and it’s really bad for you. It also doesn’t help with weight issues :-). There are so many more healthy ways to cope and take care of yourself, and I’m learning to practice those things. So, I don’t feel like I need it anymore like I used to. Instead of drinking alcohol, I drink my favorite hot tea or coffee (decaf at night). I play a game with my kids or Robert. I journal. I sit on the porch and enjoy the evening. I chat with friends. I go for a hike. I clean. I spend time planning for homeschooling or researching homeschooling curriculum (the nerd in me enjoys these things). I cook or bake. I write. There are so many more things that I can do for self care and to cope with feeling bad. If none of these things work, I take medication designed to help with anxiety instead of drinking. It’s made a world of difference for me!
My prayer now is that this balance in my moods and every area of my life stays this way. I have heard of many people finding the right combination of medications and things stay great. I’ve also heard of people finding the right combination and it ends up not working as well down the road. So, I’m just taking it one day at a time. If nothing else, I’m learning more about myself every day. I am able to control things better with the wisdom and knowledge that I have gained, and I have also learned a lot about practicing self care… the most important part of my day as far as I’m concerned.
The most important part of all of this is that God has led me to the right doctor, a great counselor, and great friends and family to support me and help me through all of this. I feel that God has a purpose and a plan for all that I have gone through and continue to go through. I have seen Him work in my life and the lives of my friends because of my illness.
Being this open and vulnerable is really hard sometimes. I have the fear of what people will think of me. But I have found over time that vulnerability is courage, and that courage is what helps others. It’s worth it if I help one person to feel encouraged through my vulnerability.
This past week was great in a lot of ways, but discouraging in some ways. I was hoping that by quitting my job my anxiety and depression would just disappear. That I would feel as I did before I started working. I was so “on top” of things. I followed a schedule and specific routine every day. I got up at 6:15 with no trouble. I was showered and ready (make up and dried hair) by the time we started school. While Karis was doing her independent work, I was cleaning and doing laundry. The house was always spotless and the laundry was always caught up. I made dinner every night and even baked bread a few times a week. I also made more breakfasts from scratch. I was just on top of everything.
This week was not that way. I found myself taking naps every morning while Karis was doing her independent work. I was just so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. I did laundry, but I didn’t stay on top of it like I did before. I cleaned up the house, but it wasn’t spotless all the time. And luckily we ate all meals in the dining hall or we would have been having easy meals like mac n cheese or a frozen dinner.
I talked to my counselor about it last week and she thinks maybe I was having some hypomania the few weeks before I started working. And a week into working I went down hill (which is normal after hypomania). It’s discouraging, but it’s also encouraging in some ways. I’m beginning to learn what “normal” is. Normal is doing some laundry and cleaning up the house some, but it’s not perfection. I was feeling like I was doing everything perfectly the weeks before I started working, and that can only last so long. It’s not normal to do everything perfectly. And it’s okay that I’m not perfect. I was trying to catch up on sleep this past week, and I’m feeling better now. I didn’t sleep much for over a month, so it just caught up to me. It’s okay. It’s normal to not have a spotless house all the time.
I want to get back into routine this week (meaning no nap every morning), but I don’t plan on sticking to my schedule completely. I can chill out a little and still follow a routine.
On another note. I thought I would share something that I’ve been holding back for a while because I thought it made me less of a person. I have decided to start working towards getting disability (knowing I will probably have to get a lawyer to do this). I’m actually already on the second step. I have an appointment with their psychiatrist on the 19th. I have tried and tried and tried to work, and every single time I do, I end up having to quit because of depression, severe anxiety, and panic attacks. These things affect my ability to do my job and live my life. I am coming to terms with the fact that I just can’t work. Through this process, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have a debilitating illness that affects my life in every way. It can be frustrating to say the least because I want to work. I want to contribute. I want to be successful at something. But I’m learning that it’s not something I can do. I think I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m submitting to the fact that I have done my best, and now I can move forward.
My goal for the new year is to learn to live this life to the fullest, and part of that is coming to terms with my illness and learning how to take better care of myself.
Self care for me is routine but not a rigid schedule. It’s hiking sometimes but not obsessively. It’s showering and getting ready but sometimes just getting dressed and going about my day. It’s allowing my house to be messy sometimes but keeping it mostly clean (because when it’s too messy I feel anxious). It’s learning balance. Eating for enjoyment and for nourishment. It’s homeschooling my daughter. It’s baking things from scratch sometimes and buying baked foods sometimes. It’s drinking hot tea at the end of the day. It’s playing a game with my family. It’s being with my camp family even when I don’t feel like leaving my house. It’s reaching out and loving others. It’s spending time in the word but not feeling guilty when I miss out that day. It’s worshipping my Savior out of love and adoration for Him. It’s realizing that He has a plan and a purpose for every thing.
If I stick to self care every single day (in some shape or form), I am at my best. I believe that self care is one of the most important things when it comes to mental illness. If I’m not taking care of myself, I struggle and become anxious and depressed. It takes a LOT of work to take care of myself some days. My desire is to reach out to others and love them where they are. But I must first love and take care of myself. I used to think this sounded so selfish. We’re always taught to love others more than we love ourselves. I’m learning that I can’t pour from an empty cup. If I’m not taking care of myself then I can’t take care of my family or be there for friends.
I am so convinced that self care is of utmost importance that every single day I ask friends in a small group that I started what they are doing for self care. It makes every one stop and think about actually taking care of themselves versus just going about the day feeling empty.
How will you take care of yourself today?
I have been wanting to write for a while, but I just haven’t felt inspiration. I tend to find more inspiration when I’m in the depths of depression or the throes of anxiety. I don’t know what it is, but I imagine it’s the same way for people who are artists or song writers.
I decided yesterday that maybe I would write about how much I’m thankful for medication that makes me feel more like myself. I get up each day (6:30) and have the motivation help get the kids ready for school, get them to do their chores (before the boys leave for school and Karis starts school), shower and get ready (all the way to makeup), have time with Jesus (while Karis does), do chores to keep the house clean and laundry caught up, do school with Karis, and even have time to do what I want to online all before it’s time to pick the boys up. Then, I pick them up and do homework with them. Every evening I make their lunches for the next day, make dinner, and sometimes (once or twice a week), I bake bread from scratch. I also often bake muffins or breakfast cookies for breakfast at this time. All of these things that I do daily are typed out on a chart and hanging on my bulletin board (along with Karis’ daily schedule).
Then, today happened. I woke up at 9:00 (Robert wasn’t here… he camped last night). I walked into chaos in my boys’ room. The kids were hanging from the bunk bed; they had made a chain of hangers starting from the top bunk down to the bottom. There were Legos, cars, books, pillows, blankets, everywhere. It was a disaster. All I could do was turn and walk away before I lost it. Then, I waited and waited for Robert to get home while the kids made a disaster on my dining room table with play-dough and all that goes with it.
At that point, I still hadn’t done anything on my routine check-list. I was just sitting on my computer working on a post on my homeschooling blog while the chaos was going on around me. Instead of doing what I know to be helpful, I couldn’t get myself up and moving. I just sat there. The kids decided that they wanted to have a “camping out and watching movies day,” so once Robert got home, we did just that (it was, after all, their advent activity for the day, and since we have an early and full day tomorrow, we decided it would be okay to do during the day). We got the sleeping bags out and let them “camp out” in their pajamas and watch movies. This was really hard for me for multiple reasons; the main reasons being that it meant the living room would be a mess, they were staying in their pajamas (which meant I would probably stay in mine), and it was completely out of my routine.
I began feeling the anxiety build up. I was becoming irritable. I didn’t want anyone touching me or talking to me. I didn’t feel as good as I have the past few months. I started feeling the way I do when I’m super anxious and on the verge of depression. I thought “here we go again.”
I decided at that point it was time to get back into my routine to an extent (as much as I could at 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon with all my kids home). I showered. I dried my hair. I cleaned up the living room (the kids decided they wanted to play outside!).
I started to feel so much better just by doing those things.
I realized many things about myself today.
For me, self care looks like a solid routine and schedule. It means that I take a shower and get ready every day. It means that I keep my house clean. It means that I am intentional with my time.
It’s okay that when I’m out of my routine I feel like I’m spinning out of control. That just means I need to stick to my routine as much as I possibly can.
It’s okay that I can’t just have a “lazy day at home” and feel good about it.
I used to think that I wanted to be “normal.” To be able to have a day like everyone else and not have anxiety or emotional struggle. But what is normal anyway? Self care means something different for everyone, and it looks different for everyone. I just need to be okay with the self care that works for me and stick with it.
Self care for some is staying up late and reading a good book. Crocheting. Sleeping in late. Drinking lots of water and eating healthy. Drinking a good cup of coffee. Taking a walk. Spending time with friends or family. Running. Lifting weights. Sewing. Writing. Organizing. Cleaning. The types of self care could go on and on as many times as there are people in the world.
We are all made different for a reason and a purpose. My self care just happens to look different than what I envisioned as “normal” for the rest of the world, and I’m okay with that.
What does self care look like for you?