So I’m sitting here on my back porch just feeling terrible… hyperventilation syndrome, chest hurts, cough, tingly hands and feet, foggy brain. Just bad. And since I’m struggling with the breathing thing, yet again, my mind goes to “fix it” mode. What’s wrong with me this time? What can *I* do to make myself feel better? It has to be anxiety, why am I anxious?
My blog is usually my way to process through things, so I’m going to use it to try to find some relief. And if I can’t, I’ll just go to bed early and do some meditation.
I started Monday out excited. I found a blog called Blissful Britt that is basically who I used to be and who I want to be all wrapped up in one. She’s a coffee lover, hiker, runner, foodie, and blogger. She’s not married and she doesn’t have kids (at least not from what I can tell), so there’s that. Obviously our lives look a lot different, but I can do what I want out of those things to be who I want to be! It’s a choice that I make, right?
Robert seemed very excited because he was happy to see me excited about the outdoors again. He really feels that being outside more will make a huge difference for my anxiety. And for the most part he’s right. I’m sitting on my porch and while I feel pretty terrible still, I can breathe a little bit better. Unfortunately, though, that is what caused my breathing issue Monday night. I went for an hour long hike and started to struggle, and it just never got better.
So now I’m wondering if maybe I’m trying to be someone I’m just not anymore… or maybe someone I can’t be right now at least.
This is who I want to be:
- A person who is outside often and does all the nature-y things with her family.
- Someone who backpacks regularly.
- Someone who cooks and bakes often (and does a good job).
- A homeschool mom who has a relaxed way of doing things and just enjoys being with the kids. A Charlotte Mason homeschooling family (I LOVE her work).
- A sober person with the ability to encourage those who are trying to be sober or are struggling (and sponsors others).
- Someone who uses her mental illness to help others.
- Someone who loves Jesus and that is evident in her life.
- Someone who can let the house go a little. Someone who can let go of organization a little and just live.
- A good writer.
- A mom with a lot of grace.
- Someone who practices regular hospitality.
- Someone who makes health priority, but doesn’t obsess over it or make it the focus.
- Someone who is content with who she is.
- Someone who doesn’t feel the need to live up to anything (in life, in homeschooling, in appearance, etc).
- Someone who can just enjoy the moments as they come and not be so serious all the time (I want to be joyful!)
Oh, and then I actually considered trying to start “living naturally” again yesterday. Like, go back to the no BPA, no paper, natural products, homemade cleaners, all homemade foods, organic, grass fed, herbal supplements, blah blah blah that I let go of a long time ago! Maybe that’s what also caused my anxiety yesterday. Some is good, but 100% is NOT healthy for me! (this is me, the black and white thinker here)
So now I’m trying to decide if I should make decisions based on these things (like a mission statement), or if that’s too much? Am I causing anxiety by expecting too much from myself? Maybe I just need to be okay with “enough.”
This is who I am (now):
- I like to sit on the porch daily to blog or read but I don’t go for hikes as often as I would like (1-2 times a week). The kids and I do nature walks/studies once a week. We have plans for camping in the fall.
- Robert and I go backpacking once or twice a year. (I may not be able to go in August like we have planned if I don’t start feeling better, but I’m hoping to feel better, and there’s always next time)
- I cook and bake often :-). I love using recipes, coming up with recipes, and tweaking recipes. I like to bake bread, pizza crust, muffins, cookies, etc. I love to cook new things for dinner. I have been branching out more lately.
- I am a homeschool mom that is learning to relax and enjoy spending time with her kids using mostly a Charlotte Mason method. I am also learning to throw off stuff that is heavy and doesn’t serve me well (I’m simplifying even more than what I had written on my last blog about curriculum).
- I AM a sober alcoholic that does my best to encourage others when the opportunity presents itself, but I don’t sponsor like I would like to (and should) because I live so far from town!
- I am very open about my sobriety and mental illnesses and I have a small group where people can share their needs. I hope that my blog helps people. It’s hard to know, though. I don’t have many followers/readers/commenters.
- I do love Jesus but I often wonder if it’s evident in my life because my mental illness overshadows it. I’m working on growing this relationship, but it’s going to take a while because I have been running away (not really intentionally, but through my mental illness and addiction).
- I definitely struggle to let the house or organization go. I spend more time organizing than I actually spend using the organization. And I’m constantly cleaning or yelling at my kids to clean. That was the source of major anxiety yesterday (we spent HOURS cleaning and a lot of that was me yelling at the boys to clean!).
- I don’t have as much grace with my kids as I would like to have, but I’m hoping I will get there one day. Most of the time I’m doing much better than I did when they were smaller, but I have my days (I guess we all do… maybe I need to give myself that grace… maybe that’s the conclusion to all of this…).
- I am learning to practice hospitality, but it does bring me anxiety and that makes me sad :-(. Friday through Monday we had people over 3 times! I really only had anxiety one of those days (Friday night).
- I’m working on the health thing, one habit at a time. I’m probably not going to go back to the natural/organic thing because I’ve begun to see that natural/organic isn’t what makes something healthy… it’s the nutrients in things that makes them healthy. And slow, habit change is what’s sustainable (I have never been able to do a diet more than 3 months max).
- I’m working on being joyful but it’s really hard when I can’t breathe right. So that’s going to be a one moment at a time kind of thing.
Maybe I’m closer to who I want to be than I thought. I have a really hard time “just living life” and being content with things. I have had so much change over the years that I am always expecting something to change. Or that we will have to do something differently because of my mental illness (and then it will be all my fault). Thing is, I absolutely LOVE life (I’m pretty much living my dream)! I just hate anxiety!
I’m trying to remember that I am ME, and I don’t have to fit into some kind of box.
Well, after some time writing, I’m feeling somewhat better. But I do think I’m going to go to bed pretty soon and do some meditation.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I am going to town for AA, so that’ll help so much.