The past several weeks have been a little more difficult. I got into a pattern of forgetting my morning meds (a second dose of a morning and nighttime med). I thought that maybe I was doing better and decided to … Continue reading
We have been here at camp for 3 years (this past May). And in that time we have not consistently been to church. We went to a baptist church in Kerrville a few times, a Methodist church once, and a … Continue reading
I used to think that was dumb. I mean, I am ENOUGH where I am. Jesus loves me, my family loves me, and I don’t HAVE to change to prove that I am worthy. I know all of these things. … Continue reading
I have been trying really hard to not sleep during the day. When I do, I will take an hour long nap instead of a 4 hour nap in the morning and a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. Now, even when I don’t sleep well the night before, I try to wait till bed time to sleep. This worked out so well last night. I fell asleep at 9:45. Of course I woke up at 4:10, but I kind of dozed back off till my alarm went off at 5:20.
I am starting to love early mornings. I get that time with the kids, drink coffee, do my Bible study (currently doing a She Reads Truth Lent study), and spend some time praising Jesus through song. I also get to see the sun rise over the hills. We have a fantastic view from our house.
I love this song and have listened to it over and over this morning.
I also just LOVE this song. It’s a great reminder that we are loved and He has a plan. Have courage. Sometimes we have to wait for something, but He will be glorified through His plan. He wants good for us who love Him.
I’m a little behind in the She Reads Truth Lent study, but I’m okay with that. It’s not about being perfect but about drawing near to Jesus and spending time with Him. In turn, He teaches me about Him and His plan. Today’s study was very relevant for me coming out of a season of darkness. Check it out! The Plagues Continue.
If you’re turned off by all things God/Jesus, I pray that you would give Him a chance. While I was in the darkness I was bitter and angry towards Him. All of a sudden He gave me peace and joy. He reminded me that He is in control and that despite the hard (that happens because of sin in the world), He truly does want good to come. Sometimes we have to wait, but the good eventually comes “Miracles happen when you fix your eyes on Jesus.” And honestly I wouldn’t appreciate the good without the hard. He has taught me so much over the past several years. I love others better. I have less judgment. I’m stronger, I have more courage, I am able to be vulnerable, I have grown so much, I am able to be there for others, and I just want to share Him with others. My family is also stronger. We have grown together.
Today I pray that you would give Him a chance. He loves you no matter what you’ve done and what you’ve been through. He loves you just as you are (I mean, I’m an alcoholic and He loves me).
Have a good Monday!
Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading
I have a history of discontent. If something doesn’t seem to be working well or is hard, I change things. I see the difficulty as a sign that something isn’t right.
Because of this, we have moved so much and I kept chasing something new. We have moved 12 times in the 13 years that we have been married (a lot of that was at the same camp). We moved apartments early in our marriage. We moved twice when we lived in the Dallas area.
This worked its way into homeschooling. I have homeschooled off and on for a long time. When I started struggling mentally, I would put them back into school. This last time I really had no choice since I had to go to town all the time for AA when I got out of rehab. But it still counts.
I have spent a FORTUNE (and a lot of that in credit) on new curriculum. When things got hard for the kids or they seemed to struggle, I would buy the “shiny new thing” thinking that it would be better and they wouldn’t struggle as much. For Karis, this was math. For Ethan, this was reading and phonics.
We are using Math U See for the kids and while I LOVE it, Karis has still been struggling greatly. She’s going into 6th grade and she’s on the 4th grade level and still struggling. She can barely do basic division (2 digit by 1 digit with a remainder). So I was talking to Robert about Life of Fred math and telling him that maybe it would be a good fit for her because she loves reading (it’s story based). Without him even saying anything, I said, “Wait… I just need to stick with something, don’t I?” He agreed immediately and reminded me that hard doesn’t necessarily equal bad. And she may just never be good at math and that’s okay. And it’s okay that she’s on a level lower than her grade and it’s okay to take it slow. He also reminded me that it’ll be so good for the kids if I stick with something for a full year. And honestly, I need to stick with Math U See from now on because there is a DVD with a teacher teaching everything (and I’m terrible at math!). He teaches it in a way that makes more sense than any teacher ever taught me. There are also manipulatives and all of the kids make use of them every single day.
I REALLY want The Good and the Beautiful history, handwriting, nature journals, and another science unit. But. We have all that we need for those subjects right now. While I love the set up of those, I need to be content with what we have.
I already have Story of the World Volume one… the book, audio book, activity book, historical fiction novels to go with it (9!), the Usborne Encyclopedia of World History, and the Usborne Book of World History. I have an amazing set up for history this year. It would make NO sense to change.
Now. The reason why I love G&B is because the history covers all periods of history in one year (adding to it each year), it has fun activities, it has an amazing book of stories, worksheets, and a game for review. But I can always get it next year! No big deal! I’m not even sure if I’ll want to change after we finish what we have… I may want to stick with Story of the World!
Also, I was looking at buying handwriting from G&B. I ALMOST did. Then my doctor and I were talking about my impulsive spending and reminded me that if I am buying something new even though I already have something for that subject (and causing final trouble), that’s a sign of being impulsive. And she’s right! It stopped me in my tracks! I have Handwriting Without Tears, and the kids even like it!
Now. Next year I will probably buy G&B because I love that it teaches handwriting through copywork. It would cut out a step of our writing. But I can wait till next year! No big deal!
I was also looking at buying the G&B nature journals. But I already have some from Simply Charlotte Mason! They love them because they can watercolor right on the page (the pages are thick).
And… Science! I have SO much to teach science. I have one unit of G&B science already (which will last us about a semester), and I also have Apologia Astronomy. AND LOTS of science books and encyclopedias to make my own units if I want. I really have enough to make science work for a couple of years honestly. Now. When Karis is in 7th or 8th grade, I will be buying the junior high science books because she’s going to need them to prepare for high school (and honestly she LOVES science so she’ll be happy). But I have a year or two before I need to do that (I can’t believe she’s already in 6th grade).
All this to say… I think I will finally have a FULL year in which I don’t buy anything new! I have everything I need for at LEAST a full year (maybe more) and I am happy about that. It’s weird, to be honest.
And… we are not going anywhere. While camp ministry is HARD because especially lately Robert has been working a ton, we are content to stay right where we are. We love the way Camp Eagle is run, we love the people (camp family!), we love our home, we love that we live on 1400 acres and there are hiking trails and a clear river to play in. Moving to Camp Eagle has been the best thing that has happened to us!
Deciding to stick with something long-term actually takes away a lot of anxiety. I have a major spending issue, then I feel bad and feel anxious after I have spent. It’s so easy to buy online and I just throw money away that way. We were going to have me spend only cash but it hasn’t worked out well (lots of reasons), but at least this next check I will only have cash to spend (and less than usual because we’re going to New Mexico in a few weeks and we need money for that). I think we’ll actually be able to save up this year. And do more fun things with the kids.
I’m feeling content, hopeful, and peaceful. I know I will still have times of anxiety and depression (hopefully not, but I’m planning on it happening eventually), but I know I can work through them and just do what we need during those moments. That doesn’t mean we need to move, it doesn’t mean I need to stop homeschooling, and it doesn’t mean I need to buy something new and shiny. It just means we need to spend time in prayer and God’s word, I need to work through it, and I need to teach my kids to do both of those.
Today as I was looking at my memories on Facebook of years past on the same day, I came across a blog that I wrote a year ago today (It’s Been a While). It was exactly what I needed to read.
You don’t really have to read it because the important stuff will be quoted here.
A few reminders:
I am unable to work. I have tried and tried. I thought an at home, part time, computer job would be the dream job because it’s more simple than teaching, but it proved to be just as difficult for me as my previous jobs. I have never been able to keep a job because of my mental illnesses, and I just don’t see that changing. I have been denied for disability twice and am now working with a lawyer to try to get it. It’s hard because I’m okay when I’m not working, but my anxiety and depression are terrible as soon as I start working! It’s hard to explain that to social security!
I truly do have a sick brain. My bipolar has been under control, but I’m still working on managing my anxiety. I go to counseling once a week for cognitive behavioral therapy (for anxiety), take lots of medications (6 for my mental health alone, plus supplements and 2 other meds), practice lots of self care, daily prayer and Bible study, and go to AA (including meetings 3-4 times a week, step work, meeting with my sponsor once a week, and daily gratefuls) for my addiction to alcohol. These are the only way I’m managing right now. Without these, I would be really struggling. It takes a lot of work!
I am back to the food freedom, body positivity, anti-diet life. I wish I had stuck with that last year instead of ditching it and dieting again (for 3 months!). For some reason summer is a huge trigger for me to diet. I don’t understand why. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again this year. I am now in several groups that focus on these things, so hopefully I’ll stick with it! I wrote this in last year’s post: “I am learning to finally accept my body the way it is. I am finally DONE with diets and hard exercise programs. I am learning to eat to nourish myself (and sometimes that involves a doughnut), move for enjoyment, and I am okay with the fact that I may never be the size I once was. I have kind of become anti-diet industry now and am un-following everyone that focuses on that (especially the pyramid scheme marketing companies that sell stuff for “weight loss”) because I don’t need that un-healthy view of bodies staring me in the face. It has brought me so much freedom.”
I’m back to this 100%. Exactly the same thoughts and feelings, unfollowing people, the freedom it brings, etc.
My family has been and continues to be my support. Without them I don’t know where I’d be. Between being passively suicidal many times, dealing with alcoholism, and my severe anxiety, it’s been a very hard thing for us all to deal with. I mean, my kids had to live with my parents for almost a month. They were completely out of their normal routine, not doing much school, and missing me and home (not my parents’ fault at all, just not normal life for them). Robert has stood by my side in sickness and health. He supports me at my worst and at my best. He loves me for who I am, not who I wish I could be.
One of the biggest things that I have been struggling with is feeling like my blogging doesn’t make a difference. I do blog for myself mostly, but I want to know that I’m not just blogging for myself. Yesterday I was reminded that I am speaking to people (I received a private message from an old acquaintance). Even if it’s just a few, it’s worth it. I want this blog to be full of authenticity. I will always be open and real. I may share things that I’m good at, and that’s okay too! I’m learning to be confident in the gifting that I have. I pray that it is all used for God’s glory and not my gain.
Last year I wrote: “This blog will never be what is viral out there, and I’m okay with that. If my blog never grows, then I’ll just know it is for the people who need it, when they need it. I trust God with it all. Numbers don’t matter to me. It’s authenticity and depth that I’m looking for. So, my hope is that you will always find that here. I may not always post about mental illness, but that is typically what I post about. Hope you’ll stick around!”
And now I post about alcoholism because I’ve finally come to terms with that (AA step 1!).
In the midst of it all, God is good and sovereign. He has a plan, and He will be glorified through it all. I am me, and I am made the way I am for a reason and a purpose. I am thankful for the freedom that I have in Him to be that person that He created me to be.
First of all, I just can’t get enough of our family pictures. I have lots of favorites, but the one that keeps sticking out to me is the one of Robert and I.
This shows the love that we have for one another. He has been an amazing support through all of my difficult moments, including mental illness hospitalizations and addiction treatment. He has also been so supportive of me outside of those treatments. He helps me to see things that I don’t see on my own. I’ve learned to accept what he has to say because he has my best interest at heart. He loves me unconditionally. I’m so grateful for him.
PAWS has me down a bit, still. I’m very tired, sort of achy, feeling down, irritable, and still somewhat anxious. It is getting better. They say it only lasts a few days, so I’m hopeful.
I went to our women’s AA yesterday and was so encouraged. On Wednesdays we read out of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book.
Yesterday was Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I realized that I haven’t been doing this. I went through step 3 pretty quickly. I need to go back and memorize this prayer:
“God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
My next step with my sponsor is to do step 6 (which is a chart, breaking down my character defects), and to memorize the step 7 prayer:
I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.
I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character
which stands in the way of my usefulness to you
and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.
At rehab we had something called Seekers every morning. It was a way to practice step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Every morning, we would have 10 minutes and prayer and meditation, we would read the step 3 and step 7 prayers, and we would sing Amazing Grace. I plan to add back in the 10 minutes of prayer and meditation and step 3 & 7 prayers again. It is a great way to start the day! I will also continue my She Reads Truth Bible study! Starting in January, a friend of mine here at camp and I will be doing a 1 Peter Bible study! Looking forward to it!
Today for self care I will: 1) Eat a healthy breakfast, 2) Eat a healthy lunch, 3) Enjoy my coffee and Bible study (and do my morning prayer), 4) Meet with some friends here for encouragement, 5) Clean up the house (just vacuum, make my bed, and do the dishes… nothing major), 6) Shower, put on makeup, and dry my hair, 7) Listen to classical Christmas music, 8) Do a new meditation 9) Take my supplements and medications, 10) Share my gratefuls with my sponsor.
The meditation: Close your eyes and begin to focus on your breath. Take a few moments here then allow your focus to broaden to your body and the sensations that it’s feeling. Now expand your focus to anything touching your body, noticing those sensations. Lastly, expand your awareness to everything you can hear and sense. Now reverse this process and come back, one step at a time to your breath.
Even on the hard days, life is good. I’m so thankful for another day sober (64 today!).