Yesterday I wrote about what our homeschool looks like/will look like as a page on my blog. One of the biggest things is that I’m wanting to come at this completely differently than I ever have before! More relaxed! Simple … Continue reading
If I’ve learned anything from Balance 365 that has changed my life, it’s that life is ever changing, and flexibility is key. A phrase that we say a lot in the group is #allorsomething (instead of all-or-nothing). It’s better to … Continue reading
I have spent a lot of time today re-organizing. It has been great. The beauty about it is that I tend to keep things pretty clean and organized on the regular so organizing isn’t too hard. I organized my fridge … Continue reading
I will tell you now… you will NOT see perfect in this post. I tend to work on making things appear “perfect,” but I decided to show real life this time. The boys’ room tends to stay a disaster. I … Continue reading
Gosh. Who knew? Who knew that I was doing something that affected my mental energy? Who knew that I was doing something for 8 months that I didn’t actually like? It was always hanging over my head, and I never … Continue reading
This past week has been full of reflection. With the high profile suicides that are happening, my friend asked me if I was okay. She was concerned since I lost my brother to suicide and because of my own struggle … Continue reading
We received our income tax refund on Thursday, and it has been a fun few days as we have been able to buy some things that we’ve needed (and little bit that we wanted), put money in savings, paid off … Continue reading
My start to the new year has been amazing!!! I feel like I have so much to be thankful for. I’ve already shared some of these pictures, but I’ll share again!
Some important things that I’m learning:
The ability to buy plenty of food for multiple weeks (besides produce and other items that spoil, we’ll be able to make this stretch for 3-4 weeks). This is a huge blessing because we have had years in which this was difficult to do. We are blessed. (some of this we bought to cook for 8 summer staff, but we ended up not having to do that so we have more food for us!)
New, amazing music thanks to a gift card!
Game playing time with my best friend.
A new found confidence.
Organization that makes my days easier (and a notebook cover with my chips in it!).
My hubby who loves me for who I am (I don’t think I look great in this pic, but Robert always thinks I look great). The photo bomber cracks me up.
Hubby bonding with his kids over our new Wii U (he has never had a video game console before, so this is new). He has also been playing Nerf gun wars with them :-).
My hubby and kids in general. I am so incredibly blessed by them. They are all a person could ask for. Robert is the most patient, supportive, loving, caring, and honest man a wife could ask for. He loves with all that’s with-in him. Karis is creative, caring, loves Jesus, and is loving towards others. Ethan is passionate, so helpful, and organized. Levi is a silly guy, loving, caring, and loves Jesus. I am so excited to see them grow up! They are amazing people.
AA Twenty Four Hours a Day, the Big Book, and AA step work.
A candle that smells like a fresh, new year!
A new Bible study to dig deep into God’s word.
- My mental health is the best it has ever been. THIS IS HUGE. My medications make a huge difference, and the work I do on a daily basis also makes a huge difference!
- Coke Zero
- I am beginning to be content with my body the way it is, knowing that my body doesn’t let go of weight due to medications, and I’m ready to just live life and not try to lose weight.
- The fact that the kids are now in school… which means I have less to be anxious about. I miss homeschooling a lot, but I know that this is what we all need.
- Healthy food
- Unhealthy food that makes me happy
I could probably go on and on, but I’ll stop for now :-). What are you grateful for on this Grati-Tuesday?
This past week was great in a lot of ways, but discouraging in some ways. I was hoping that by quitting my job my anxiety and depression would just disappear. That I would feel as I did before I started working. I was so “on top” of things. I followed a schedule and specific routine every day. I got up at 6:15 with no trouble. I was showered and ready (make up and dried hair) by the time we started school. While Karis was doing her independent work, I was cleaning and doing laundry. The house was always spotless and the laundry was always caught up. I made dinner every night and even baked bread a few times a week. I also made more breakfasts from scratch. I was just on top of everything.
This week was not that way. I found myself taking naps every morning while Karis was doing her independent work. I was just so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. I did laundry, but I didn’t stay on top of it like I did before. I cleaned up the house, but it wasn’t spotless all the time. And luckily we ate all meals in the dining hall or we would have been having easy meals like mac n cheese or a frozen dinner.
I talked to my counselor about it last week and she thinks maybe I was having some hypomania the few weeks before I started working. And a week into working I went down hill (which is normal after hypomania). It’s discouraging, but it’s also encouraging in some ways. I’m beginning to learn what “normal” is. Normal is doing some laundry and cleaning up the house some, but it’s not perfection. I was feeling like I was doing everything perfectly the weeks before I started working, and that can only last so long. It’s not normal to do everything perfectly. And it’s okay that I’m not perfect. I was trying to catch up on sleep this past week, and I’m feeling better now. I didn’t sleep much for over a month, so it just caught up to me. It’s okay. It’s normal to not have a spotless house all the time.
I want to get back into routine this week (meaning no nap every morning), but I don’t plan on sticking to my schedule completely. I can chill out a little and still follow a routine.
On another note. I thought I would share something that I’ve been holding back for a while because I thought it made me less of a person. I have decided to start working towards getting disability (knowing I will probably have to get a lawyer to do this). I’m actually already on the second step. I have an appointment with their psychiatrist on the 19th. I have tried and tried and tried to work, and every single time I do, I end up having to quit because of depression, severe anxiety, and panic attacks. These things affect my ability to do my job and live my life. I am coming to terms with the fact that I just can’t work. Through this process, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have a debilitating illness that affects my life in every way. It can be frustrating to say the least because I want to work. I want to contribute. I want to be successful at something. But I’m learning that it’s not something I can do. I think I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m submitting to the fact that I have done my best, and now I can move forward.
My goal for the new year is to learn to live this life to the fullest, and part of that is coming to terms with my illness and learning how to take better care of myself.
Self care for me is routine but not a rigid schedule. It’s hiking sometimes but not obsessively. It’s showering and getting ready but sometimes just getting dressed and going about my day. It’s allowing my house to be messy sometimes but keeping it mostly clean (because when it’s too messy I feel anxious). It’s learning balance. Eating for enjoyment and for nourishment. It’s homeschooling my daughter. It’s baking things from scratch sometimes and buying baked foods sometimes. It’s drinking hot tea at the end of the day. It’s playing a game with my family. It’s being with my camp family even when I don’t feel like leaving my house. It’s reaching out and loving others. It’s spending time in the word but not feeling guilty when I miss out that day. It’s worshipping my Savior out of love and adoration for Him. It’s realizing that He has a plan and a purpose for every thing.
If I stick to self care every single day (in some shape or form), I am at my best. I believe that self care is one of the most important things when it comes to mental illness. If I’m not taking care of myself, I struggle and become anxious and depressed. It takes a LOT of work to take care of myself some days. My desire is to reach out to others and love them where they are. But I must first love and take care of myself. I used to think this sounded so selfish. We’re always taught to love others more than we love ourselves. I’m learning that I can’t pour from an empty cup. If I’m not taking care of myself then I can’t take care of my family or be there for friends.
I am so convinced that self care is of utmost importance that every single day I ask friends in a small group that I started what they are doing for self care. It makes every one stop and think about actually taking care of themselves versus just going about the day feeling empty.
How will you take care of yourself today?
I haven’t written in quite a while, so I thought I’d write an “update” post for those wondering what’s been going on with me.
On December 8, I began working as the editor for a website. I very quickly realized it wasn’t going to be a good fit. I was working way more hours than what I was told I would. I wasn’t posting enough of what they wanted me to post (viral re-writes and viral click bait) because I didn’t believe in viral stuff (I didn’t feel that it was authentic, and as a reader of that website for a while, that was what turned me off). These things caused my anxiety to very quickly elevate and I began having panic attacks. My depression was coming on quickly again. After 3 weeks (which felt like months), I decided it’s just not worth it. So, on December 31, I wrote my resignation email and they told me to just wrap it up that day (so thankful!).
So, here I am, back to being stay-at-home-mama and homeschooling mom to Karis.
I would love to say that my anxiety is completely gone and I feel so relieved, but that’s not exactly the case. I feel as though I’ve failed yet again, which continues to remind me that I do in fact have an illness that I cannot control very easily. I take medication (and really good stuff… I was feeling amazing before I started working), but as soon as I start working, my anxiety/panic attacks, and depression come right back. It’s very frustrating to say the least. I spent an hour crying about it with my therapist, and I realized in that appointment that I still haven’t accepted my illness. I can accept everyone else’s, but I cannot accept my own.
In the middle of my frustration and sadness, I’m happy to say I’m also growing in some good ways and have learned a lot lately.
I am created the way I am for a reason and a purpose. God did not mess up when he made me. I am here to help others, and that’s always been my goal. I hope someone can learn through my life and hardships.
I have an amazing family that I love more each and every day. They make me laugh, they love me for who I am, they accept me for who I am, they pray with me, sing with me, cook/bake with me, hike with me, and are just always there. I could not do this life without them. So even in the moments of self-doubt, I have the understanding that I am not in this alone. My husband is my best friend and has been there by my side through all of this (hospitalizations, leaving jobs, etc). I know that I will always have love and support from him and my kids (and our parents, siblings, etc). I am using this time to really grow closer to them as well as teach them and learn from them. It takes a lot of my energy, but it’s well worth it.
I am learning to finally accept my body the way it is. I am finally DONE with diets and hard exercise programs. I am learning to eat to nourish myself (and sometimes that involves a doughnut), move for enjoyment, and I am okay with the fact that I may never be the size I once was. I have kind of become anti-diet industry now and am un-following everyone that focuses on that (especially the pyramid scheme marketing companies that sell stuff for “weight loss”) because I don’t need that un-healthy view of bodies staring me in the face. It has brought me so much freedom.
I have learned that I desperately need routine to function at my best. I have not had routine in three weeks and it has torn me apart. I need to get up in the morning, spend time with Jesus while drinking coffee, help get the kids ready and going, then shower, dry my hair, and put on make up. I need to do my one load of laundry a day, keep up with the dishes, keep the house cleaned up, and do one weekly chore per day. I need to be there for my daughter while she is doing her school work. And frankly, she needs me. I am her teacher. We had a good thing going before I took the job, and we’re right back at it today. It feels so good. I am learning that teaching her is my job right now, and I can accept that. It’s a big job! And soon enough (in a year and a half), the boys will be homeschooled and I will be teaching them.
Most of all, I’m reminded that God truly does have a plan. Even though the job didn’t go as I thought it would, I learned a lot in my short time there. I can use what I learned on my personal blog. I have been reminded of what I feel is important, and I’ve learned what people need. I am just using what I learned to move forward.
This blog will never be what is viral out there, and I’m okay with that. If my blog never grows, then I’ll just know it is for the people who need it, when they need it. I trust God with it all. Numbers don’t matter to me. It’s authenticity and depth that I’m looking for. So, my hope is that you will always find that here. I may not always post about mental illness, but that is typically what I post about. Hope you’ll stick around!