Last Thursday night was so fun. I was invited to and went to a night where we learned about goal setting and creating vision for our life. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect but it was pretty great. I … Continue reading
Good morning friends! Today is starting out with a gorgeous sunrise. I got to listen to the birds sing for a while as well. I love being outside. There’s just something about God’s creation that brings peace and solace.
God is good. In the midst of the struggle, and in the midst of the rest and peace after the struggle. Y’all, I have struggle consistently for years. Like since Karis was born (and even before that, really). Severe anxiety, panic, depression, losing my brother the way I did, relationship issues, etc. I have had some good times, but they usually only lasted a few weeks at a time, and I’ve realized that many of those were times of hypomania. I thought I was just feeling amazing (I know now that it was the feeling of euphoria that I get when I’m hypomanic). And these times were always followed by depression.
I started a new med at the end of January (it’s actually a very old med and for some reason it’s not used very often… it’s also really cheap). I’m on a very low dose (in addition to a lot of other meds). I have been doing great ever since. I mean, I have low days, but they don’t stay that way. Usually it’s because I’m overly tired or dealing with circumstances that are difficult (usually involving one or more of my kids). I have consistently had low anxiety, no lasting depression, have had motivation (but not overly motivated like when I’m hypomanic), and I’ve enjoyed myself more than I have in so long. I have great relationships with people (I’m not assuming the worst as often). I spend more time with friends and family. My family has noticed a HUGE difference in me. They often recall what life was like when I was drinking all the time and when I was depressed all the time. I slept a lot. I was really short with them, yelling a lot.
Anyway… yesterday during Bible study we were studying Judges 3:7-11. In verse 11, it said that the Israelites had rest for 40 years! I was telling my friends how big that was for me and they said that they could see how that would stand out to me. This is so big.
This week has felt so long. The main reason is that I haven’t slept well this week, and I’m still feeling the affects of my really hard Wednesday. Yesterday I slept alllll morning. I did get up and get busy though, so that’s nice.
I work really, really hard to stay out of bed. It’s so easy to just sleep since I’m home alone all the time and I’m usually really tired, but I know that leads to depression so I fight it. If I do take a nap, I try really hard to just sleep an hour or so. But yesterday I needed lots of rest. I think there’s a such thing as an anxiety and/or panic attack “hang over.” Just feel so worn.
I am determined to make today good! I got up at about 6:30 and got my coffee. I tried to do my Bible study but I was just too tired still to comprehend what I was reading. I’ll try again this afternoon.
I got up and cleaned up the house. Dishes, the boys’ room, the kids’ bathroom, picked up things around the house, made my bed, etc. I have one load of laundry going (I try to do one a day and it makes things so much more manageable… and our whites don’t stay super white because I don’t sort).
I plan to do some AA work (re-typing our script), Younique work, Bible study, etc, etc.
So besides cleaning and working, what is making today Fri-Yay? Why am I happy? I am growing every day. Wednesday was real hard but it taught me so much about myself. It reminded me that I don’t want to just be a blob on the couch. I want to have purpose and meaning in my life. I want to glorify God in what I do and say. I want to help others be sober and women to love who they are and feel good about themselves. I want to challenge myself. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I feel like these things happen through my blog, through leading AA, and through being a presenter through Younique. I have the ability to do so much with my life. So, I can’t work full time. That’s fine. I don’t need to. God has provided for our needs. Sure things are tight, but our needs are always met. I have kind of come to terms with the fact that working probably isn’t in my future, but I am learning to be happy with staying home and taking care of our home.
Yesterday Levi got me a blanket and pillow to lay down because he said they don’t thank me enough for making the food and doing all the things. It was in that moment that I realized what I’m doing is enough. It’s good. It’s God glorifying. Our kids feel safe and peaceful in our home. Robert doesn’t have to do much when he comes home from work (he works really hard all the time to provide for our family). They always have clean clothes (they do have to fold them and put them away, but that’s beside the point haha). They have all of their needs met. It’s those things that matter.
I know I’ve said this, but I’m so excited about my new business. I have always said I will never do direct sales/network marketing. So why now? I have watched women come out of their shell, become confident, get out of their comfort zone, grown in an amazing team of women, make good money, have their makeup paid for, become confident in who they are, have purpose, grow, learn good business practices, and just have fun in this business. Younique is about empowering women and I’m just all for that. It’s about true self care. Loving ourselves. I could go on and on. I haven’t even received my presenter kit and other makeup and tools that I’ve ordered (they had some issues with shipping), but I have seen so much good already just being in my team Facebook group and adding new friends from the group.
God is good. I have had a lot of hard years, and I know hard days, weeks, and possibly months are ahead. But I am thankful that today is a good day.
I have pulled out my computer and sat there staring at the screen (or getting distracted by Facebook) so many times in the past month or so. We have so much going on and I have so much that I could share, but the words just aren’t coming when I sit down to write. I’m not sure why. I do know that I have spent MUCH less time on my computer lately and that’s a good thing. I used to sit on my computer all day, every day. Now I don’t have time for that, nor do I want to. Part of the reason why I don’t write as much (or sit at my computer as much) is that I used to drink and drink and drink and all I could do while doing that is sit. Also I have been so busy. Mostly in a good way!
The moment that I decided to put Karis back into school, my anxiety went away and my depression lifted. We didn’t even take much time to pray through it once I thought of it because 1) I knew that Robert wanted our kids to be in school, 2) I realized that my mental health went back down hill when I pulled Karis out, 3) Karis went backwards in many ways being home and I knew it would be best to teach her how to persevere even when things are hard (and she needed to be around kids her age).
Since we’ve made that decision, lots of things have hit us… broken arm, asthma attack that landed Ethan in the ER, lots of doctor appointments, bloodwork, lots of medicine, Ethan got strep (and ended up missing 4 days of school), counseling appointment for Karis… And I have been in either Rocksprings or Kerrville pretty much every single day (with a day off here or there). I have also tried to go to AA twice a week but it hasn’t happened as much as I would like (I definitely go once at least).
But do you know what hasn’t changed through all of this craziness? My joy. I may be tired. I may be somewhat stressed. Karis has cried a lot (as we’ve been walking her through things). Levi has been in trouble a lot at school this year (and we’re working with his teacher and doctor to figure out how to handle this). But I haven’t regretted anything. I haven’t felt guilty. I haven’t tried to make something happen that wasn’t supposed to happen (which is how I ended up homeschooling off and on so much over the years). I haven’t made things to be my fault when they weren’t (like putting Karis in school or Levi getting in trouble). I’m just truly living each day. One day at a time. To its fullest. I’m more comfortable in my skin. I have spent a lot of one-on-one time with my kids. Karis and Ethan are doing choir. The house stays mostly clean (except this week because the kids are home, and that’s okay!). Robert and I work together. I focus a LOT on self care because that is what keeps me going. Life is just good. But I don’t take it for granted. With my history and my mental illnesses (and being an alcoholic), I truly have to take it one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. And I’m finally in a place in which I can do that.
So on this beautiful Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.
It has been literally years since I felt this kind of peace and joy for more than a few days, and especially through stress and difficulty.
My family and friends are amazing, I’m learning to love myself as God has made me to be (and I’m realizing what my true calling is), Jesus loves me and I love Him, we love Camp Eagle and are so blessed to be a part of this family, we have all of our needs met (even when we don’t know how things will work out, they always do), I’m thankful for AA and what it has done in my life (and continues to), I’m so thankful for the Healthy Habits Happy Moms community (and Balance 365 program) that has helped me see myself in a completely different light, and I’m thankful for all the little things that bring me joy each day… music, flowers, coffee, Christmas lights, candles, a hike, spending time with my friends and family, playing games, cleaning, coloring, drawing… the list could go on and on. I am who I am today because of who God is, my family and friends, and through the difficult of the past several years.
I woke up at 5:15 this morning feeling such peace. This is a new thing (the past few months). I love getting up early, making my bed, getting dressed, tidying the house, making coffee, lighting a candle, then waking the … Continue reading