Plans for the Week

I decided to put my plans all in one place instead of in separate posts.  So in this post you will see my meal plan and my school plan.  Both will be pretty relaxed! Meal Plan Breakfasts Fried eggs, fruit, … Continue reading

Whew

What a week it has been.  I’m sorry if this post is all over the place.  I have sat down to write it so so many times and have been up and down and all around.  Haha.   This week … Continue reading

Contentment through Weakness

I made a decision yesterday and it came with a slew of thoughts, discouragement, encouragement, prayer, contentment, and peace. Making the decision to sub came with a lot of hesitancy.  I thought of subbing to be up at the school … Continue reading

What I love, like, dislike, and am working through

Gosh.  This week has been long.  And tough.  And helpful.  And growth-producing.  And strengthening. I wasn’t deeply depressed.  I wasn’t hopeless or suicidal.  I just struggled a bit.  I just wanted to sleep all the time.  Struggled with doing things … Continue reading

Anxiety is a Liar

Last night was kind of my breaking point of the season. I struggle a lot this time of year.  It’s a combination of lack of routine, the holiday let down, the dreariness, the fact that I’m an introvert and am … Continue reading

Now What?

Goodness.  My journey has been a long one.  A really hard one.  An amazing one.  One full of love from my creator and my family.  God has made it clear to me that He has a plan for my life … Continue reading

If I’m Being Honest…

Growing up, I struggled with friendships.  I had a few close friends, but I was also bullied a lot and was just an outsider in many areas.  It got better in high school, but I always felt the need to … Continue reading

Mental Health, Routine, and Adjusting Expectations

This past week has been full of reflection. With the high profile suicides that are happening, my friend asked me if I was okay.  She was concerned since I lost my brother to suicide and because of my own struggle … Continue reading

Scared to Hope

scared to hope

I’ve been feeling good for about a month now.  My “feel good” time started out really strong with lots and lots of energy and motivation.  I really thought I was hypomanic but wasn’t sure.  I just kept going with it.  But also, when I started feeling good was just about 3-4 days after I started a new med.  I hoped that’s what was making me feel good.  Again, I wasn’t sure.

A month later, and I’m still feeling good.  This is just odd because I typically don’t feel good for very long.  Either I am struggling with severe anxiety, I’m hypomanic, or I’m depressed.  Just “feeling good” isn’t super common.  Sure, I have my good days, but this has lasted continuously for a month.  I can remember one day where I felt “down,” but it was because I was really tired and slept a lot.

Previous to this, I was pretty miserable.  I was pretty depressed.  I was sleeping all day, every day.  I wasn’t sleeping at night.  I was anxious.  My house was a complete disaster and there were always piles and piles of laundry.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and didn’t know what else to do with myself.  I just felt like that was my life from now on.

Part of this is because I put my kids in school and the homeschooling season is just over for our family.  Part of this was because I was so, so tired all the time.  I also have hypothyroid on top of my other issues.  Then I was just in a bad cycle of not sleeping at night and sleeping all day.  It’s hard to get out of that.  Now if I don’t sleep well, I try not to go back to sleep, and I end up sleeping better the next night.  If I do sleep during the day, it’s for like an hour, not 4 hours.

The hard thing for me right now is that I’m scared to hope too much.  I don’t want to assume that I’ll feel good consistently if that’s not reality.  I mean, everyone has bad days or “down” days, and I can handle that.  It’s the debilitating depression and severe anxiety that I cannot handle.  Well I guess I can handle it, but I really, really don’t want to.

I do have hope in Jesus, but I am also aware that He has never promised us an easy life and I know that perfection won’t happen till heaven.  In the mean time all I can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the good days.

An Update and Grati-Tuesday

This past week was lllooonnnggg.  I had bad anxiety and I could barely see past it.  I was pretty selfish through it and have had to repair a few things.  I’m grateful for the grace of people in my life … Continue reading