Take Courage, I Am Redeemed

Yesterday was really, really hard.  I had my disability hearing and it was brutal.  I had to focus in on what life is like on my really hard days as if that’s my whole life and I have nothing to offer the world.  The weight of my illnesses was very heavy.  It brought on a lot of anxiety, and I came home and had a panic attack.  It’s been a while since I’ve had one.  In my normal daily routine I’ve been okay lately.  Better than I’ve been in a long time.  But as soon as you get me focusing on all the hard and bad, I struggle very badly again.  It was miserable.

I wrote this in one of my favorite groups (I don’t know if I have words today):

“Hey friends. After doing really well for a while (end of January), I had my disability hearing today and had severe anxiety and a panic attack this evening. It was so hard to focus in on my bad days, weeks, and months. I don’t want a label, but I know I can’t work full time and we really need for me to get paid. Now I have to wait an average of another 2-4 months. I’m worn by the whole thing and am feeling defeated. Part of me just wants to move on as if none of this ever happened and part of me wants it to work out. I’m worried that I’ll give up on being a better me if I am labeled as disabled. I am feeling all the feels today. I talked with one of my best friends tonight and she reminded me why I deserve this and I really can’t work full time. I truly am disabled, we just need the court to recognize it. I hate the system and this process. My attorney had me focus in on my bad days as if they are my every days.”

A mama in the group wrote this:

“I hate hate hate disability hearings for this exact reason. I had to go through this with one of my good friends who has cerebral palsy. The woman who denied her disability said that it wasn’t present enough days in her life to affect her ability to work. You know, all those days she woke woke up without CP? Ridiculous.

Anyway the hearing was awful and left her feeling so defeated because we had to focus on on all the things she couldn’t do. But she’s SO capable!!!! We couldn’t talk about any of that though.

After the hearing I sat down with her and told her I hated that and reminded her of what her best days look like.

I don’t know you personally. But I’ve seen enough of you on here to know that on your best days you’re pretty amazing!!! Look at all of you’ve accomplished in your house lately. You are SO organized. When you post your meal planning and thing you’ve decorated I drool with envy!

You’ve started AA! I know your group is small but if you keep one person from drinking think of the ripples in that person’s life and how many lives you’re impacting!

I know you aren’t working, but I also have some idea of how much you do just living where you live. How many lives you touch around you and how interconnected it all is. You also support your husband as he works for the Lord. Think of the people the 2 of you are touching!
You’re amazing and none of what you had to focus on at this hearing even remotely defines you

I heard this song on the way home and I listened to it over and over again.  I have heard it many times (I have the album in my favorites), but I didn’t really pay attention to the meaning of it until yesterday.  It’s amazing.  Music is huge in my life. I love to worship God on my good days and hard days.  It’s how I get through.

“Come Alive (Dry Bones)”

Through the eyes of men it seems
There’s so much we have lost
As we look down the road
Where all the prodigals have walked
One by one
The enemy has whispered lies
And led them off as slavesBut we know that you are God
Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come
That we may not yet see
So with the faith you’ve given us
We’ll step into the valley unafraid, yeahAs we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones, come alive

God of endless mercy
God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter
Bring us back the wayward son
And By your spirit breathe upon them
Show the world that you alone can save
You alone can save

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

So breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe

Breathe, oh breath of God
Now breathe, oh breath of God
Breathe, oh breath of God, now breathe

As we call out to dry bones
Come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts
Come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes
Let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive, yeah
We call out to dry bones, come alive

Oh come alive”

I’m thankful for friends and even just acquaintances that speak truth to me in Christ and remind me that I am more than my illnesses and my past.  I can use what I go through and what I’ve been through to glorify Him.

I know I have shared this video before, but the lyrics are really resonating with me today.

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul.  He’s in the waiting.  He’s in the waiting.  Hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds.  He’s never failing.  He’s never failing.”

As I wait, I’ll know that He is in control and He has a plan.  It may not be for me to get disability.  Maybe His plan is for me to feel good enough to work 1-2 hours a day with Younique and make just enough to pay for everything that we need to pay for (I don’t need a ton more, mainly just need help with some medical costs).  Maybe he will teach me to be more frugal so that we have the money that we need.

Okay… I have more on my mind, but I can’t think straight because I haven’t slept much in several days.  I need to go back to bed for a little while.

Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.

Happy Monday: Would You Give Jesus a Chance?

Happy Monday

I have been trying really hard to not sleep during the day.  When I do, I will take an hour long nap instead of a 4 hour nap in the morning and a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.  Now, even when I don’t sleep well the night before, I try to wait till bed time to sleep.  This worked out so well last night.  I fell asleep at 9:45.  Of course I woke up at 4:10, but I kind of dozed back off till my alarm went off at 5:20.

I am starting to love early mornings.  I get that time with the kids, drink coffee, do my Bible study (currently doing a She Reads Truth Lent study), and spend some time praising Jesus through song.  I also get to see the sun rise over the hills.  We have a fantastic view from our house.

I love this song and have listened to it over and over this morning.

I also just LOVE this song.  It’s a great reminder that we are loved and He has a plan.  Have courage.  Sometimes we have to wait for something, but He will be glorified through His plan.  He wants good for us who love Him.

I’m a little behind in the She Reads Truth Lent study, but I’m okay with that.  It’s not about being perfect but about drawing near to Jesus and spending time with Him.  In turn, He teaches me about Him and His plan.  Today’s study was very relevant for me coming out of a season of darkness.  Check it out!  The Plagues Continue.

If you’re turned off by all things God/Jesus, I pray that you would give Him a chance. While I was in the darkness I was bitter and angry towards Him.  All of a sudden He gave me peace and joy.  He reminded me that He is in control and that despite the hard (that happens because of sin in the world), He truly does want good to come.  Sometimes we have to wait, but the good eventually comes “Miracles happen when you fix your eyes on Jesus.”  And honestly I wouldn’t appreciate the good without the hard.  He has taught me so much over the past several years.  I love others better.  I have less judgment.  I’m stronger, I have more courage, I am able to be vulnerable, I have grown so much, I am able to be there for others, and I just want to share Him with others.  My family is also stronger.  We have grown together.

Today I pray that you would give Him a chance.  He loves you no matter what you’ve done and what you’ve been through.  He loves you just as you are (I mean, I’m an alcoholic and He loves me).

Have a good Monday!

Pursuing What Sets My Soul on Fire (Jesus)

Being in a constant state of worship and adoration, service, gratitude, prayer, and confession are what set my heart on fire. Unfortunately my life has been just one struggle after another and my spirit has gotten lost in all of … Continue reading

Beautifully in Over My Head

In Over My Head

I have come to this place in my life
I’m full but I’ve not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
I’m Beautifully in over my head
I’m Beautifully in over my head

Gosh.  This is one of my favorite songs, and I feel that it is more relevant now than ever.  This song was in my head most of the time I was at La Hacienda (as well as another song… that will come).  I have stepped out of my comfort zone more than I ever have.  I’ve stepped off the shore into the unknown.  He has been there from day one, and I feel his presence more than I have in a long time.  I am beautifully in over my head right now as I do step work, share about my addiction and sobriety, continue to share about my mental illness… and most of all, living with these.  I wouldn’t say it takes a strong person to live with these because I am not strong in my own power.  I am strong because God gives me the strength each and every day.  And He has led me to different ways to overcome.  The most important thing is that I am worshipping Him, spending time in His Word, and praying to Him every day.  Without Him I am nothing.

I will definitely serve God through becoming a sponsor through AA eventually (once I get through the 12 steps myself), but I don’t know if that’s enough.

I feel that God has allowed me to have mental illness and alcohol addiction for a reason and a purpose… to help others and to glorify Him.

I am currently praying about going back to school… either to become a licensed chemical dependency counselor or a mental health counselor. God has taught me so much about what I’ve gone through, and I want to serve Him in a way that brings Him glory and brings other people to a place that I am at right now! Free from alcohol/addiction, free in my mental illness… all because of the resources He has sent my way. I don’t know if my mental illness will allow me to work, and I’m currently working with a lawyer to get disability because of my work history. But I’m not sure if my time in the work force is over. I think I can work part time. We’ll see! Robert is all for it if I think I can handle it.

I feel that God will use the suffering that I have gone through to glorify himself.  He has a plan for it!

“Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man. Every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t if it was cancer or critiscim. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It’s not meaningless. Course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you got cancer at 40; when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out. Don’t say “it’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, do not lose heart. Take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for!” John Piper

I have been through a lot in my life. I have been through the gruesome suicide of my brother. Postpartum depression and anxiety. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and severe anxiety with general, panic, obsessive/compulsive, and social. Alcohol addiction. Hospitalizations (inpatient and outpatient), treatment center for alcohol, and lots of doctors appointments and counseling appointments over the years. I have had many suicidal ideations myself. Life has been difficult, but I am finally in a place in which I am free (one day at a time!), and I want to share that with the world through service!

Please be in prayer with me as I make a decision.  It may be a while, but I will keep praying until I feel at peace with a decision.